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Mel Gibson likes his Booze – Crazy Style July 31, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson.
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 — Mel Gibson was pulled over for suspicion of drunk driving this past Friday night in Malibu and then proceeded to go on an Anti-Semitic rampage.  As first reported on TMZ.com,

“According to the report, Gibson became agitated after he was stopped on Pacific Coast Highway and told he was to be detained for drunk driving in Malibu. The actor began swearing uncontrollably. Gibson repeatedly said, “My life is f****d.” Law enforcement sources say the deputy, worried that Gibson might become violent, told the actor that he was supposed to cuff him but would not, as long as Gibson cooperated. As the two stood next to the hood of the patrol car, the deputy asked Gibson to get inside. Deputy Mee then walked over to the passenger door and opened it. The report says Gibson then said, “I’m not going to get in your car,” and bolted to his car. The deputy quickly subdued Gibson, cuffed him and put him inside the patrol car.  Once inside the car, a source directly connected with the case says Gibson began banging himself against the seat. The report says Gibson told the deputy, “You mother f****r. I’m going to f*** you.” The report also says “Gibson almost continually threatened me saying he ‘owns Malibu’ and will spend all of his money to ‘get even’ with me.”  The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: “F*****g Jews… The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” Gibson then asked the deputy, “Are you a Jew?” 

This is definitely a guy I want to teach me about Jebus and the Bible.

A law enforcement source says Gibson then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, “What do you think you’re looking at, sugar tits?”

He then followed up that classic with trying to urinate in his cell and then ultimately smashing the phone he was supposed to use to call his lawyer.  I know everyone is into remaking old movies now, but no one told me about the live remake of Mad Max that was coming out.   Talk about a fun guy to party with, if he loses it like this around the police what does he do around normal people when they call him a pussy for making movies like What Women Want and The Singing Detective?  Does he hurl racial slurs at them and beat them up in front of their mothers?  I hope he doesn’t find out that I thought Lethal Weapon 4 was complete garbage and should have been released straight to DVD.  One thing did become clear out of this whole episode though: now we all understand why he has 13 kids.  If he called a female officer “Sugar Tits,” who undoubtedly looked more like Rosie O’Donnell than a spring break coed, then what kind of dirty talk do you think he uses on his wife in the sack?


 — Lindsay Lohan got bitch slapped last week by Morgan Creek Productions, the production company for her latest movie Georgia Rule, for her “all night partying” which caused her “heat exhaustion” on the set.  Is this some kind of joke?  What do they expect when they hired an 18-year old giraffe-woman for a movie?  Do they think she will just stop prancing around in bikinis and dating B-class stars like Wilmer Valdarama?  Of course not, she’s a wild animal that can’t be tamed.  Would you just expect a koala to stop eating eucalyptus leaves?  No, then stop expecting Lindsay to close her legs and stop eating at the tube steak factory.

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Are you ready for some football, San Diego? July 28, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Football, Sports, Terrell Owens.

As you may or may not know, the NFL football season is right around the corner and that means it is truly time to rejoice.  Don’t get me wrong, I like a good game of stickball as much as the next guy, but football has become the new ”America’s Pastime”’.  Baseball may have history on its side, but football has the stars now.  Most people couldn’t pick Roy Halladay or Albert Poo-hole out of a line-up, but I almost guarantee that you’d be hard pressed to find a man or woman who doesn’t know who Tom Brady is.  So, in the form created by one of my favorite current sports writers, Bill “The Sports Guy” Simmons, I’m going to review the upcoming NFL season using quotes from one of the funniest movies ever, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, to describe some of the top stories around the league.  I’ll start off with a combo quote for probably the biggest ongoing story in the NFL the last couple of years. 

1.  Ron Burgundy (to Baxter) “You’re so wise.  You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair”. 


Ron Burgundy: “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m a big deal.” 

Veronica Corningstone: “Really?” 

RB: “People know me.” 

VC: “Well, I’m very happy for you.” 

RB: “I’m very important.  I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.” 

And so goes the Terrell Owens saga.  T.O. would want you to believe that he has many “leather bound books” written about him, but actually he only has 2 books about him, and he had to write them himself.  We’ll see if the “miniature Buddha” himself, Bill Parcells, can tame the locker-room cancer.  Keeping T.O. quiet though is like keeping Star Jones away from the buffet table, but if there’s any coach in the league who can do it, I’d put my money on Parcells, who’s successfully dealt with tough athletes like Keyshawn Johnson and Lawrence Taylor.  I still think Parcells will have to pull a rabbit out of his ass to tame Owens.   

2.  Ron Burgundy: “Everyone just relax, all right?  Believe me, if there’s one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it’s women.”

Brian Fantana: “I don’t know Ron.”

RB: “Guess what, I do.  I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna get married on top of a mountain, and there’s going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs.  And we will dance till the sun rises.  And then our children will form a family band.  And we will tour the countryside and you won’t be invited.” 

This classic quote about Ron’s perfect world could be about the Steelers’ perfect world after winning the Super Bowl last year.  But that perfect world was shaken this summer when QB Ben Rothlisberger’s face lost a game of  dodge-car, just as Ron’s world was turned upside down when Baxter was kicked off the bridge by Jack Black’s crazy biker character.  There are so many questions about the Steelers that won’t be answered until the season starts.  Can the Steelers repeat?  In a conference with the great squads like the Patriots, Colts and Broncos, the Steelers will have a tough road just to make it out of the playoffs and into the Super Bowl.  How will Big Ben play after his accident?  Will his confidence be shaken at all?  He doesn’t even look like himself, but that might not be a bad thing. 

3.  Veronica Cornerstone: “My God, what is that smell?  Oh.”

Brian Fantana: “That’s the smell of desire my lady.”

VC: “God no, it smells like, like a used diaper…filled with…Indian food.  Oh, excuse me.”

BF: “You know, desire smells like that to some people.”

Garth Holliday: “What is that?  Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.”

News Station Employee: “Smells like Bigfoot’s dick.” 

Desire.  That’s what drives Peyton Manning every year. Not to smell like a turd covered in burnt hair or Bigfoot’s dick, but the desire to still put up gaudy numbers AND win the big game.  Most players have to choose between being an individual star and winning as a team, but Peyton hasn’t figured that out yet.  And with the loss of Edgerrin James in free agency, even more pressure will be on Peyton to pass, pass, and pass some more.  Will Peyton be able to get over the proverbial hump to beat the Patriots and make it to the Super Bowl?  After going 14-2 and clinching home field advantage throughout the playoffs, the Colts lost on the errant foot of Mike Vanderjagt, but he has been replaced by Adam Vinatieri.  Will he be the difference?  The Colts hope so, but the Pats hope not, and that brings me to my next quote… 

4.  Champ Kind: “The bottom line is you’ve been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron.  You’re a member of the Channel Four News Team.”

Ron Burgundy: “That’s a given.”

CK:”We need you.  Hell I need you.  I’m a mess without you.  I miss you so damn much.  I miss being with you, I miss being near you.  I miss your laugh.  I miss your scent; I miss your musk.  When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.”

Brian Fantana: “Take it easy Champ.  Why don’t you stop talking for a while.” 

The New England Patriots are hoping they don’t  feel this same type of pain deep inside over the loss of Adam Vinatieri.  The Patriots have succeeded all of these years because they were strong as a team.  Compounded with the loss of defensive standout Willie McGinnist, they could be hurting this year.  Each of the 3 Super Bowls that the Pats have won in the last 4 years have been by a single field goal, so why did they let Vinatieri go?  Was he stealing Brady’s chicks?  Doubtful.  No one can respect a kicker.  Having the most clutch kicker in NFL history has always been an ace in the hole for the Patriots, and this year he’ll suit up for one of their chief competitors, the Indianapolis Colts.  So the question is, will the Patriots be able to climb back up the mountain to be one of the NFL’s elite?   

5.  Ron Burgundy: “Let’s go to Brian Fantana who’s live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive, Brian?

Brian Fantana: “Panda Watch.  The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this.  I uh…Ching…King is inside right now.  I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can’t do that he’s a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.”

BF (to the panda): “Hey, you’re making me look stupid.  Get out here, Panda Jerk.” 

Will Reggie Bush make the Houston Texans look like jerks for not drafting him?  In passing up on Reggie Bush and hometown icon Vince Young, the Texans took a huge gamble in selecting Mario Williams with the first selection in the draft.  Williams may turn out to be a star defensive end, a la Julius Peppers, but he will always be compared to the two players drafted after him.  Every time Reggie makes a highlight reel run, that will be shown over and over on ESPN, but they won’t show Mario stuffing the run for an entire game.  Every time VY makes an amazing touchdown pass, that too will be shown all over TV, but they won’t show Mario taking up 2 blockers while the rest of the line makes some stops.  The Texans along with new coach Gary Kubiak chose this suicide mission though by resigning former tackling dummy David Carr.  Will they regret passing on Reggie and Vince?  Only time will tell, but how much time they will have is the real question. 

6.  Ron Burgundy: “Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it
San Diego, which of course in German means whale’s vagina.”

Veronica Corningstone: “No, there’s no way that’s correct.”

RB: “I’m sorry; I was trying to impress you.  I don’t know what it means.  I’ll be honest; I don’t think anyone knows what it means anymore.  Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.”

VC: “Doesn’t it mean Saint Diego.”

RB: “No.  No.”

VC: “No, that’s – that’s what it means.  Really.”

RB: “Agree to disagree.” 

Along those same lines is the ongoing story of Reggie in New Orleans.  He’s tried hard to impress the city by donating money from his jersey sales just like Ron trying to impress Veronica on their first date,  but currently Reggie is holding out for a contract worth at least $1 more than the first pick in the draft, Mario Williams.  Will Reggie’s good will be brushed under the table if he ends up entangled in a long contract holdout?  The Saints are said to not want to upset the balance in the NFL by paying Bush more money than a player drafted in front of him, and Reggie’s agent has said that he has already made close to 5 million dollars in endorsements and would reenter the draft if he needed to.  So the question comes down to who will blink first, I just wonder how long the city of New Orleans will continue their love affair with Reggie if he’s not playing. 

7.  Ron Burgundy (to Baxter): “What?  You pooped in the refrigerator?  And you ate the whole…wheel of cheese?  How’d you do that?  Heck, I’m not even mad; that’s amazing.  How ‘bout we get you in your p.j.’s and we hit the hay.”

That’s exactly how Donavan McNabb feels these days.  He doesn’t care if you poop in the fridge or make fun of his mom on the Campbell’s Chunky soup commercials.  He doesn’t have to look at Terrell Owens anymore and that has to make him a happy man.  They did make the Super Bowl with T.O., but before that they had made it to 3 straight NFC Championship games with the likes of Todd Pinkston and Freddie Mitchell.  Reportedly, McNabb is in great shape and great spirits this year.  Last year had to be a bear on McNabb, so it will be interesting to see how he plays this year and making the task even tougher is that the NFC East is arguably the best division in football. 

8.  Veronica Corningstone: “Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.”

Ron Burgundy: “I’m not a baby, I’m a man.  I am an anchorman.”

VC: “You are not a man.  You are a big fat joke.”

RB: “I’m a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn.  That’s what kind of man I am.  You’re just a woman with a small brain.  With a brain a third the size of us.  It’s science.”

VC: “I will have you know that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir.”

RB: “You are a smelly pirate hooker.” 

If Ron’s “science” is right, the Titans must be women with small brains for letting Steve “Air” McNair go to the Ravens.  That situation was set up perfectly for McNair to mentor their incoming 1st round draft pick, Vince Young.  Vince is not your prototypical pocket passing quarterback, so it would have made perfect sense for McNair, also not a pocket passer, to mentor him.  And, they already knew each other with Young flying to Nashville to workout with McNair last year, so why did the Titans screw this relationship up?  Who knows, but I’m sure it has something to do with Bud Adams and his un-ending desire to stick it to his hometown of Houston.  Maybe Bud should worry more about turning around a 4-12 team from last year than sticking it to a town he owned a team in over a decade ago.  They’ve moved on, maybe he should too. 

9.  Ron Burgundy: “The only way to bag a classy lady is to giver her two tickets to the gun show…”

RB: “and see if she likes the goods.” 

Head coach Marvin Lewis must feel like his invitation to the “gun show” was lost in the mail, but the rest of the team received theirs.  The Cincinnati Bengals have become the NFL version of the Portland Trailblazers with half a dozen off the field incidents with the authorities this off-season.  Starting with Chris Henry and his 3 arrests since December to the most recent incident with defensive end Matthias Askew who was ticketed for a parking violation but ended up on the ground on the wrong end of a taser!  A taser for a parking ticket?  What would they need if he was being charged with assault, the SWAT team?  Who is this guy, the Incredible Hulk?  Marvin Lewis has a lot on his plate this year with the high expectations from the city to make a playoff run, a quarterback who shredded his knee in their last game last season, and team with more convicts than Paul Crewe’s team in “The Longest Yard.” 

10.  Ron Burgundy: “Ladies and gentleman, can I please have your attention.  I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story.  I need all of you, to stop what you’re doing and listen.  Cannonball.”

Well, I’m ready to make a splash and make my predictions for the upcoming season.Division Winners:

NFC East:  Washington Redskins      AFC East:  New England Patriots

NFC South:  Carolina Panthers         AFC South:  Indianapolis Colts

NFC North:  Chicago Bears              AFC North:  Pittsburgh Steelers

NFC West:  Seattle Seahawks           AFC West:  Denver Broncos

NFC Wild Cards:  Dallas Cowboys, NY Giants

AFC Wild Cards:  Cincinnati Bengals, Miami Dolphins

NFC Champion:  Carolina Panthers

AFC Champion:  Indianapolis Colts

Super Bowl XLI – Carolina 32  Indianapolis 30 

We’ll see how it all pans out.  You stay classy San Diego.  

Latest on Suri Cruise July 28, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Suri Cruise.

In a surprise announcement that coincided with a Grand Opening of a Discount Tire in Hollywood today, the first picture of Suri Cruise was released to the media.  Now the picture is a little grainy and the man pushing the stroller has not been identified, but the child in the stroller is definitely the child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.



Floyd Landis is a dope July 27, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Cycling, Sports.
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Floyd Landis, the American cyclist who won the Tour de France this past week, apparently has tested positive for high testosterone levels during Stage 17 of the tour according to his Phonak team.  The Swiss-based Phonak team has suspended Landis as they await results on the backup sample to determine if he will be fired from the team.  If he is found guilty, he will most likely be stripped of his Tour de France title and Spain’s Oscar Pereiro (this year’s runner-up) would become the new champion.  The 30-year old Landis had made an unbelievable comeback in Stage 17 by overcoming a 8 1/2 minute deficit to move from 11th place to 3rd in the standings.  He later reclaimed the overall lead and rode into Paris wearing the yellow jersey.  Landis’ victory had been the “feel-good” story of the year because he suffers from a degenerative hip condition that makes painful for him to walk up stairs and even cross his legs.  Maybe we were all naive to think that a guy that walks with a limp could win cycling’s ultimate test of endurance without a little shot of help, but we all fell for it.  If his second tests come back positive all it will really prove to me is that the whole sport of cycling is a complete joke.  Through Lance Armstrong’s run of 7 straight Tour de France titles, he was constantly accused of doping and taking performance enhancing drugs and on the eve of this year’s tour, the UCI busted several riders including pre-race favorites Jan Ullrich, Ivan Basso and Francisco Mancebo in a doping scandal in Spain.  If cycling’s governing body can’t control the cheating in the sport why should anyone care who wins or loses?  Then it’s just a competition between doctors to see who can dope the best.  Give me a break.  If I want to waste my time watching cheaters, I’ll just spend my time next summer watching Barry Bonds and his size XXL head pass Hammerin’ Hank Aaron as the All-time Home Run leader in baseball.


Paris Swims in Poo and Lindsay likes it rough July 27, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton.
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— In a new video on YouTube, Paris gets a little kinky while bathing some kid.  You just have to watch it and try not to go into shock due to sheer amazement.  Fantastic outfit she’s wearing too, that would be like me wearing a gold-sequined thong to wash my dog.  Not happening.  I guess this is a clip from that horrible “Simple Life” show.  I didn’t even know that was still on TV and I wouldn’t even know where to start looking to find it.  OLN?  Food Network?  Sci-Fi?  I don’t know why people keep giving this girl work, but kudos to her for fleecing someone else.  And just like my Tara Reid story earlier this week, I don’t know what parents are allowing their kid in any body of water with either Paris or Tara.  Don’t they know that if anyone has STD’s that can be transmitted by simply breathing, its those two.


— Some new pics are out of our favorite 18-year old, redheaded harlot at Jeremy Piven’s birthday bash.  In one of her multiple bikini changes during the day, Lohan came out in this frilly number and bent over showing her bruised ass.  Maybe its just another chance to show some pics of Lohan in a bikini or maybe it’s a chance to discuss her hiney.  Yeah, I said hiney, I don’t know how it’s spelled and I’m not ashamed.  Whether she’s wearing a bikini at a party or driving a VW bug, this girl really just puts herself out there.  She must just be brimming with confidence.  Confident enough to show the bondage marks on her rear.  Only my grandma spends more time on her back than Lindsay, but that’s not funny because she’s in an iron lung.  Lindsay’s not in an iron long — yet.  Do they still use that to treat syphilis?

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Lance Bass is Gee?!?!? July 26, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment.
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— In a SHOCKING story on the cover of People Magazine, Lance Bass – formerly of the homoerotic pop sensation N’Sync – has come out of the closet, announcing he’s gay and in a ‘very stable relationship’ with a former Amazing Race contestant.  File this under the ‘no shit’ category, because it’s been reported for the last several years that Bass was gay as various magazines have caught him bumpin’ and grindin’ on male genatalia across the globe.  There are certain things that we don’t need press releases for, like 1. Corndogs are amazingly delicious, 2. Britney takes showers with a hose in the backyard and might be related to a hog (third cousin, twice removed on her father’s side), and 3. Lance Bass is gay.  I don’t know which is a bigger shock, that this announcement needs to be made or that there are actually people out there that didn’t see this coming.  Just to let some of you out there in on a little secret, most STRAIGHT 20-something males DO NOT enjoy wearing leather pants daily, practicing dance moves all day long, having their hair highlighted, and having some other guy grind his junk on them.

–And in other news, the wax figure of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt along with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt was unveiled at Madame Tussauds today.  There are a couple things worthy of noting with this.  The first being that there is now a wax figure of Shiloh and not even a photograph or a sketch or a rock carving of the supposed Cruise “child”.  Either Suri is as real as the howler monkey that lives under my bed or they have her more hidden than Paris Hilton’s acting talent.  And as far as the wax figures go, did they run out of time with the Brad Pitt figure?  The baby looks like a Cabbage Patch kid – just like all real babies, Angelina Jolie looks pretty realistic even down to the nipple you can see through her shirt in the 2nd picture and then Brad Pitt looks like he was made by a 5 year-old molding Play-doh. 

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Celebrities today are CRAZY! July 25, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid.
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— Janet Jackson appparently had part of her brain removed along with the 95 extra pounds she was carrying before going from a certifiable tub o’ lard to a rock-hard pop star.  Acting in typical Wacko-Jacko form, Janet did an interview on British Radio where she said she’s not quite sure if she’s getting married on September 26th as it had been reported.

Brit DJ : “You guys are getting married …”

Janet :“That’s what he said. He, um … that’s … everyone’s been asking me about this. He said something about September 26th we were getting married.”

Brit DJ : “What are you saying?”

Janet : “That’s the date the album comes out! September 26th.”

Brit DJ : “Are you engaged?”

Janet :“That’s what he said! So if … I don’t know. You know … everyone’s been asking me about it. And if it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen … (long pause) … Why is everyone just staring at me? It’s really quiet in here. It’s too quiet in here.”

Maybe she’s playing dumb so the paparazzi won’t crash her wedding.  If that’s the case, someone should give her an Oscar, but otherwise did anyone understand that incoherant rambling?  What do you think is going through that head of hers?  If I had to choose between “What can be done to stop all of this fighting in the Middle East” or “Big Bird sure has a lot of feathers”, I’m going with the latter.

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–Natalie Portman went on a hair dy infused rampage the other day.  In Buenos Aires this week, the newly blonde Portman channeled her inner-Ron Artest and charged into the stands of a soccer match to beat up a small child.  Not really, she just pushed away a cameraman who was too close to her, but it would be a lot cooler if she did.  I think I’d find it hard not to laugh when being attacked by someone who is small enough to put in my pocket.  Natalie is too cute to attack paparazzi, but everyone has their limit.  She might go wild now and accidentally use profanity or shoot someone the bird.  I hope not though because I need to keep pretending she’s going to get naked in a movie and naked crazies aren’t nearly as attractive as hot naked girls from Harvard.  For proof, see Tara Reid below.

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— Lindsay Lohan recently attended Jeremy Piven’s birthday party dressed like an extra from Boogie Nights.  First she was seen on the beach last month dressed as a giraffe and now she comes as a 70’s style porn star – a role she was born to play.  I don’t know if she thinks Piven is actually Ari Gold (his fantastic character on Entourage) and was attempting to audition for a midget porn flick or simply ran out of clothes in her closet, but she looks like a lock to play Rollergirl in the remake. 

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— Tara Reid apparently is supplementing her income by teaching swim lessons these days.  The problem is her mangled floatation devices popped out again and probably scarred this kid for life.  I guess seeing a breast at age 4 really isn’t his biggest problem; it’s that his parents let a drunk, chain-smoking harlot teach his swim lessons.  Maybe next they could let him join the circus and walk the tightrope with Stevie Wonder as his coach.

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— And one last thing, isn’t technology amazing (Click the picture of JS)?




Tiger holds off the field for 3rd British Open Victory July 24, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Golf, Sports, Tiger Woods.
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Earlier today, Tiger Woods surged to an emotional victory with his 3rd British Open title in the past 7 years at the 135th edition of the Open Championship.  Playing in his second major tournament since losing his father on May 3rd (He missed the cut in the US Open last month, his first missed cut in a major championship as a professional), Tiger put away the field to win the Claret Jug for the 2nd year in a row.  In what was a closely contested final round, Tiger Woods pulled away with birdies on the 14th, 15th, and 16th holes in route to a final round 67 and a total of 18 under par.  By tying the low round of the day, Tiger held off a hard-charging Chris DiMarco who shot a final round 68 and finished in 2nd place, 2 shots behind Woods.  With many big name players just a shot or two behind Woods to start the Sunday, fans were prepared for a final round shootout at Royal Liverpool, but that never really materialized. 

Tiger started the day with 3 players in the top 10 of the World Rankings just 2 shots behind him, but early bogeys quickly knocked Jim Furyk and Sergio Garcia from contention.  Ernie Els hung on within striking distance through most of the round but couldn’t capitalize on his birdie opportunities throughout the round.  That left DiMarco as the only player who seemed up to the pressure of going toe to toe with the #1 player in the world in the final round of a major.  This wasn’t the first time DiMarco had pushed Tiger in the final round of a major either, he played with Tiger in the final round of the 2005 Masters, eventually losing on the first hole of a playoff.  DiMarco, who has dropped to 26th in the World Rankings after reaching the top 10 last year due to a injury earlier in the season, played some of the best golf of his career as he was also dealing with a great personal loss.  His mother died 2 weeks ago suddenly and he dedicated his performance this week to her at the end of his round.  Although he felt it was “his destiny” to win this weekend, he just didn’t have enough ammunition to take down a driven Tiger.

The victory gave Tiger a total of 11 major titles, tying him for second with Walter Hagan and leaving him 7 titles behind tying Jack Nicklaus for the most career titles.  The victory also cemented his status as the greatest closer in any sport by moving his record to 7-0 when leading after 2 rounds of a major.  Tiger also scored 2 legendary firsts by winning; he won his first major without his father and won his first major without his driver.  By taking a conservative approach, Tiger hit mostly 2-iron and 3-wood off the tee the entire tournament, only taking his driver out of his bag once, during his first round.  Tiger also showed more emotion than we’ve ever seen as he broke down in his caddy, Steve William’s arms after sinking his par putt on the 18th hole and then in his wife Elin’s arms.  “I’ve never done that,” he acknowledged after the trophy ceremony, “You know me. … I guess I’m kind of the one who bottles things up a little bit and moves on, tries to deal with things in my own way. But at the moment it just came pouring out.”  With his victory, Tiger also said he was planning a celebration with the jug, “This jug will be filled up, I’ll tell you that,” he said, “Beverage of my choice, and not just once.”

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British Open Update July 21, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Golf, Sports, Tiger Woods.
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With 6 birdies and an eagle (as a result of holing a 204 yard 4-iron from the fairway on the 14th hole) Tiger Woods has pulled in front of the field by 1 shot at the British Open.  Rolling through the course early this morning, Tiger tied the course record (set by Chris DiMarco an hour earlier and later tied by Ernie Els) by posting a 7 under round of 65.  That puts him at 12 under for the tournament, 1 shot ahead of Els and 3 shots ahead of DiMarco.  The afternoon tee times had some great players, including Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els and Sergio Garcia, but they had to post great rounds today to just stay close to Woods and Els was the only one of the group that could keep up.  Mickelson played a solid round yesterday, shooting a 3 under 69, but couldn’t get anything going today only shooting a 1 under 71 and is currently 8 shots back of Woods.  After capping off his 1st round yesterday with a 35 foot putt for eagle on the 18th hole, Tiger continued his dominance of the Royal Liverpool course today and seems to be well on his way to his 3rd British Open title and 11th major title overall.  With a record of 6-0 when leading a major after 36 holes, Tiger seems to be putting his patented stranglehold on both the course and his competitors and should be raising the Claret Jug Sunday afternoon.

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Britney has a gooey center July 21, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Jessica Simpson.
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Making fun of Britney Spears these days is like shooting fish in a barrel —  really fat, slobbery fish wearing clown make-up in a barrel of Cheetos — but like breathing and slacking off at work, everyone’s got to do it.  And now besides having hot dog eating contests with herself, Britney seems to be losing her mind.  Posted on her website britneyspears.com this past week, Britney posted a poem by William Blake entitled Tigers.

“Tiger!  Tiger!  burning bright, In the forests of the night, What immortal hand or eye, Could frame thy fearful symmetry?”  She then goes on to post  “In some ways, people are a lot like animals.  We all hunger for the same things.  Like twinkies and white, wanna-be rappers?  Love, lust, danger, warmth and adventure.  Like people, animals all have their own rhythm to life.  I’m mesmerized by tigers.  Their eyes, their stripes, their constant quest for survival .  They almost have a sense of mysteriousness about them.  They pull you in and make it difficult to look away.  Damn right if a tiger pulled me in it’s cage I wouldn’t look away!  Well at least not until Superman or Jeebus came to save me.  They make you wonder what is behind their gaze.  A sense of eerie awe comes over you in their presence.  The fear they give you when you pass them is stunning.  Behold the beauty of the tiger.”  I walked past Britney recently and her gaze instilled the same fear and “eerie awe” in me.  Maybe it had something to do with the pot pie I was holding.

Five years ago Britney was a cute, chaste pop starlet dating the cutest boy from the Mickey Mouse club.  Now she’s obviously indulging in Quaaludes before posting on her website.  Maybe she was watching Napoleon Dynamite that day and meant to say “Liger”.  That would make way more sense than this inane piece of crap.  She hadn’t posted on her website in almost 2 months and then puts up this garbage?  If I had to guess, I bet K-Fed was hitting the bong, turned on the computer to go to his favorite midget porn website and her website came up.  After giggling to himself for 20 minutes, he probably wrote this gem and passed out.  Obviously Britney never goes to her site because the pictures haven’t been updated in years.  The pictures are of when she was hot, which has to have been several years ago, because now she looks like the bride of the Marshmallow Man.

And there’s more on the chunky, former pop-star.  The National Enquirer has issued an apology to the Spears’ family over printing a story claiming her marriage to the talentless K-Fed was over.  She didn’t ask for any money, just that a retraction was printed.  The Enquirer said:

“We now accept that their marriage is not over and they are not getting divorced. These allegations are untrue and we now accept Britney’s position that the statements are without foundation. We apologize for any distress caused.”

Really, no money?  That surprises me because all of their midnight trips to Krispy Kreme and In-N-Out burger can’t be cheap.  But I guess since she saves money by doing her own make-up and uses a piece of rope for a belt these days, she’s become fiscally responsible in other ways.  I’m glad these two are staying together though because K-Fed continues to make me look like Husband of the Year.

Pictures of Britney make me gag these days, so here’s your weekly dose of JS:

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