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2006 Emmy’s bring down the house and someone’s top too. August 28, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment.
4 comments

Honestly I don’t how exciting they were because I was watching more important things like preseason NFL football and Entourage.  But, there are several things I have discovered this morning that are more than noteworthy and include a nip slip during the awards.

First off, there were some definite hotties there, one of which is a preggo that is still damn hot.  And given what little I know about fashion, I can’t tell if Jennifer Love Hewitt’s dress is asymmetrical or if one of her breasticles is much bigger than the other.  I would never discriminate against a giant boob, but I’d like to see them in person and in all their glory to make an educated opinion.  For sake of science of course.  Oh, and I’m pretty sure there’s a tranny standing behind her.

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 And some not-so-hotties.  I know that Paula Abdul is semi-famous, mostly for her drunken slurs on American Idol, but they should institute a rule that if you shop at Salvation Army, you can’t attend awards shows.  Agreed?  And I don’t know if I missed something, but how was the bumbling mother-daughter team of Riverses not nominated for their highly comical red carpet shows?  Joan has no idea where she, is except that it is “fabulous,” and Melissa is just hanging on her mom’s surgically altered coattails.

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Secondly, a couple random notes: Did Gillian Anderson have to eat all of the unsold X-Files DVD’s to get invited to this thing?  Someone please tell Ellen Pompeo to eat something.  I don’t think I can handle another hot actress going the way of Skeletor.  Although her dress is ugo, when did Tracey Gold get hot?  And when did Morgan Fairchild (age 56) get those giant jugs?  Why isn’t Sarah Chalke (Elliott from Scrubs) in more things?  She looks damn good.  And finally, Dr. Melfi needs to put down the canoli and get on a Stairmaster every once in a while. 

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As far as the winners go, some of them were interesting – Jeremy Piven from Entourage for best Supporting Actor in a Comedy, Julia Louis-Dreyfus for best Actress in a Comedy (apparently this was awarded for her work in “The New Adventures of Old Christine” which if there are more than 6 people who have even heard of this show, I’d be shocked), and The Office winning for best Comedy during which, there was a wardrobe malfunction.  Sorry though, it wasn’t Pam (Jenna Fisher) but the EXTREMELY ANNOYING Kelly (Mindy Kaling).  Also, did everyone catch the opening monologue by Conan?  It was fantastic. 

Here’s Conan’s monologue:  21.jpg

HC

 

Fat Feats – Top Ten Sports Fat Asses August 28, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Baseball, Basketball, Football, Sports.
2 comments

There are a million Top 10 lists out there, but those have all been for athletes and athletic accomplishments that we couch potatoes could never achieve.  Well, that needs to change.  There need to be lists out there of things we can accomplish.  So to kick off this phenomenon, I’m doing my own list, a list of fat bastards who still made significant achievements in the sporting world. 

11. (Honorable Mention) – Phil “Bitch-tits” Mickelson– 6′-2″, 190 lb – 225 lb – Now I know I said this was a top 10 list, but I thought this was the perfect spot for Phil.  His weight has fluctuated up and down the past several years bringing him in and out of contention for a spot on this list.  Currently he sits on the outside looking in, but last year when he won the Masters he had a full set of D cups bouncing around.  Once known as the “best golfer not to have won a major”, Phil finally won his first major in 47 tries by winning the 2004 Masters.  He followed that up with victories at the 2005 PGA Championship and the 2006 Masters.  Phil – leave the gym and eat a chili cheese dog.  We want you back.

10. William “Refrigerator” Perry – 6′-2″, 370 lb – The nickname alone tells you that this former Chicago Bears defensive tackle was one huge guy.  Looking more like ‘Fat Bastard’ from Austin Powers than a football player, Perry is known mainly for scoring a touchdown as a rookie in Super Bowl XX and for the gap in his teeth that you could fit a hamburger through.  After his Super Bowl success, Perry really made it big by having a GI Joe action figure designed after him.  The remainder of Perry’s career was relatively quiet as he played in just 138 games over an 11 year career in the NFL.  The Fridge was a beast and paved the way for future great fat asses to show up at training camp 95 pounds overweight.  (e.g. Larry Allen, #8 below).

9.  Sebastian “Fat-foot” Janikowski – 6’2″, 250 lb– The Polish Pork-chop has been a fixture on the Oakland Raiders the past 5 seasons as their place kicker and resident jailbird.  Having been arrested multiple times for offenses such as assault, bribery of a cop, and possession of GHB Seabass’ off-the-field record has overshadowed his on-the-field performance.  Janikowski was the nation’s top kicker in his final 2 seasons at Florida State and has ranked in the top half of the league his entire career in the NFL — except of course when he was sidelined in 2001 for “cellulitis of the foot”!  Fat-Foot?!?!  Who knew that was even real until that ran on the NFL injury reports.  Janikowski makes me proud of my Polish roots.  A lesser fat ass would have been deported by now.

8.  Larry Allen – 6′-3″, 325 – 360 lbs– Allen was an anchor of the Dallas Cowboy’s offensive line for the past 12 years before leaving in free agency to join the San Francisco 49ers this past off-season.  Known for his enormous size and strength (he has benched 700 lbs, squatted 900 lbs, and is the reigning Strongman champion in the NFL), Allen is also well-known for his enormous appetite (he has been known to eat an entire large pizza and drink a 2-liter of cola before games) and sweat stains (thanks to John Madden’s telestrator).  His appetite and excessive sweating ability hasn’t kept him from succeeding though as he’s been to 10 Pro Bowls and been voted All-Pro 8 times.  He should have retired as a Cowboy, but I’m not telling him that to his face unless I’m armed with a giant bucket of chicken and a liter ‘o cola.

7.  Cecil “Big Daddy” Fielder – 6′-3″, 240 lb – 270 lb– A power hitter in the ‘deadball’ era, Fielder hit 51 home-runs in 1990 becoming, at the time, only the 11th player to hit over 50 home runs in a season and only the 2nd in the past 25 years to accomplish that feat.  Never a slim man, Fielder’s weight fluctuated throughout his career, but he reached his peak fighting weight as he helped the New York Yankees reach and win the World Series in 1996.  A 3-time All-Star, Fielder gets bonus points for having a son (Prince Fielder) who weighs close to 3 bills and is the starting first baseman for the Milwaukee Brewers.  God bless the American League’s designated hitter for paving the way for fat asses like Cecil and Big Papi Ortiz.

6.  David “Boomer” Wells – 6′-3″, 230 lb – 260 lb – Wells, who currently pitches for the Boston Red Sox, has bounced around the league bringing his unique personality and drinking prowess to each team he’s been to.  Wells has pitched for 18 seasons, accumulating 227 wins, 3 All Star selections, and was the MVP of the 1998 ALCS.  He is probably best known for wearing an actual Babe Ruth hat when he pitched his perfect game in 1998.  It has also been told that he drank a pitcher of beer in between each inning of that game too.  God I hope that’s true.  I try to replicate that feat every time I watch an Astros game.

5.  Shaquille O’Neal – 7′-1″, 315 lb – 345 lb – A 4-time NBA Champion with the LA Lakers and Miami Heat, O’Neal has been a beast in the middle for the past decade.  As the 1st pick overall in the 1992 NBA draft out of LSU, O’Neal was barely pushing 300 lbs but as his weight has grown, so have the accolades.  A 3-time Finals MVP with the Lakers, O’Neal was the 1999 League MVP, 12 time All-Star, and voted one of the Top 50 players in the NBA.  He’s also broadened his career with his rapper alias ‘Shaq Diesel’ and the classic film ‘Kazaam’.  Lately Shaq has even begun taking the beginnings of seasons off to get in shape so that he has to work as little as possible but can still excel during the playoffs.  We can all hope that one day we’re in a position to negotiate a contract allowing us to skip the first third of the work day so we don’t have to strain ourselves later.

4.  George Foreman – 6′-3″, 217 lb – 250 lb – The weight change in George Foreman didn’t just take place over a couple years, but over the 20 years in between the 2 times he held the boxing Heavyweight title.  Originally a gold medalist in the 1968 Olympics, Foreman first won the title in 1973 over Joe Frazier.  He didn’t win it again until 1994 when at age 45 he was outboxed for 10 rounds until he connected with a devastating right hook and knocked out Michael Moorer.  Now more well-known for selling tires and electric grills, the robust Foreman hasn’t missed many meals since his career started almost 40 years ago.  He is a fatty helping average joes meet their full-fat potential.  You already had several ways to cook a burger (your grill or frying pan, etc…), but Foreman found a way to do it faster.  That extra minute you stand around waiting for the other side of the burger to brown is a minute of calorie absorption wasted.

3.    Charles “The Round Mound of Rebound” Barkley – Listed @ 6′-6″, 250 lb, Closer to 6′-4″, 300lb – One of the best power forwards to play the game, Barkley earned a reputation for saying and doing whatever he wanted on and off the court.  A tireless worker on the court, he didn’t have the best work ethic off of it, resulting in his ballooning at the end of his career.  A 2 time gold medalist, member of the NBA top 50 players and MVP of the 1993 NBA season, Barkley was never one to turn away from a microphone with classics like:

“I don’t care what people think.  People are stupid.”

Charles Barkley: “I’m so sick of fat people.”
Kenny Smith: “Why? You can’t live with yourself?”
Barkley: “First of all, they killed Oreos.  You know they can’t make the Double-Stuff Oreos anymore because fat people can’t keep their mouths shut.  Now they’re killing the McDonald’s super-size.  Can you believe that?  Just because fat people are lazy and don’t work out and can’t keep their mouths shut, they have to ruin it for everybody.  They’ll probably kill ice cream next! Is that my fault they can’t stop eating?  I’m so sick of these fat people suing these companies.  Stop eating!”

and my personal favorite:

Greg Gumbel: ” Happy St Patrick’s Day”.
Barkley: “Great. Another reason for the Irish to go out and drink.”

I can’t wait to vote for him for President.

2.  “Big” John Daly – 5′-11″, 220 lb – 250 lb – Known as one of the longest drivers on tour for the past 15 years, Daly has earned a reputation for living life fast and hard in every sense of the word.  A 2-time major winner, Daly won the PGA Championship in 1991, his rookie season, and followed that up with a British Open Championship in 1995 at St. Andrews.  Since then, his life has been full of ups and downs, mostly downs though with excessive gambling, drinking, smoking, and mullet-wearing.  He admits to losing over $50 million gambling and only puts his cigarettes down to tee off.  Daly is everything sports shouldn’t be, and we love him for it.

1.  George “Babe” Ruth – 6′-2″, 215 lb – 270 lb –  Arguably the greatest baseball player of all time, he was the 1st player in baseball history to hit 20, 30, 40, 50, and 60 home-runs.  He also set the home-run record at 60 home-runs, which stood for 34 years until it was broken by Roger Maris in 1961.  But, some of his greatest feats took place, not on the playing field, but at the local diner.  Ruth was once said to have eaten 24 hot dogs in one sitting, and that was between the 2 games of a double header.  He was also said to have gone to Coney Island one morning and eaten 4 Porterhouse steaks, 8 hot dogs, and drank 8 sodas just as a pregame snack.  With those eating skills and hitting his last home run at a stout 270 lbs, Ruth reigns supreme of Fat Athletes.

HC

Lindsay makes more cash and K-Fed still sucks August 25, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan, Sports.
1 comment so far

 — File this away under “How does this bitch keep making money with no discernable talents, giant jumblies, and a firecrotch?”  Well maybe it has something to do with the jumblies.  Anyway, Lindsay Lohan is selling her West Hollywood condo for $2.85 million after buying it for $1.9 million just last year.  And here’s the real kicker, she never moved in!  Who blows that kind of money on a house and never moves in?  The type of girl that would blow MacGuyver if that got her into a club faster — that’s who.  The reason she never moved in is because she’s been living at the posh Chateau Marmont hotel for the past 9 months.  I’m sure her activities included sitting on the beach and throwing DVD release parties for Herbie 4 – Herbie is a Tin Can from Mexico.  By my rough calculations, which are very rough because I get confused by the 99 bottles of beer song, I bet she has spent close to $150,000 on her hotel and looks to make close to a million bucks on her unused condo.  If she makes that kind of cash for doing pretty much nothing, why is she always wearing that potato sack?  Anyway, as far as the house goes at least all prospective buyers will know that if the house is anything like the girl, the carpet will match the drapes.

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 — Poor K-Fed.  Not only is he getting eaten out of house and home by his Chunky Monkey for a wife, but his career is going nowhere too.  What’s new about that you might ask?  Well, after having to produce his own album because he was told the Wiggles had more talent, he some how landed a gig at last week’s Teen Choice awards.  In true K-Fed fashion he felt the need to prove his lack of talent to the world and sing his new single, “Lose Control”.  Now I know you thought Paris Hilton was a talentless whore, and I’m not disagreeing, but at least she is easy on the eyes.  K-Fed is just a douche bag who hit the lottery by marrying a Louisiana hick who might just be stupider than he is.  At the show, his song predictably bombed and to top it off, no one even wanted to come to his after party.  A source said:

“After everyone saw Kevin’s performance, no one wanted to be stuck having to pretend it was good.”

My guess as to why no one showed up?  Not because of K-Fed’s lack of talent but because they were worried they would get injured in the melee of Britney charging the buffet table.

 — I don’t know how many of you out there read the Sports Guy at ESPN, but his latest article is one of his funniest.  Just a couple tidbits:

Q: Was I the only one expecting Josh Blue to pull off the Keyser Soze “straightening walk” after he won “Last Comic Standing,” as a stunned Anthony Clark drops his coffee?
–Frank B., Bethlehem, Pa.

SG: The only one who’s headed to hell? Or the only one, period?

Q: What do you think your daughter’s nickname is going to be on the 2023 edition of “Flavor of Love?”
–Matt D., New York

SG: Orphan

Utterly Fantastic. 
HC

NFL Preview – AFC West August 23, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Football, Sports.
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So it’s back to NFL previews, and this week we are starting with the AFC West.  Full of teams with plenty of potential, the AFC West has 3 teams that could potentially win the division and one team that is in line to have the first choice in the Brady Quinn / Adrian Peterson sweepstakes.

AFC West Review (Ranked by Predicted Record)

1.  Denver Broncos –(Predicted: 11-5) – After a season where they made it to the AFC Championship game on the arm of Jake Plummer and the legs of Tatum Bell and Ron Dayne, the Broncos look to make it to the Super Bowl this year, again relying on the arm of Plummer and on the legs of Bell.  However, this time it might not be Tatum Bell, the 2nd round draft pick out of Oklahoma State, but undrafted rookie Mike Bell out of the University of Arizona.  As the newly appointed starter, Mike Bell looks to be the next in a long line of 1,000-yard rushers in the Denver backfield and carry the Broncos to the next level.  It is still questionable whether Mike Bell will remain the starting RB in Denver.  With competition from Tatum Bell and former Heisman trophy winner Ron Dayne, he might not be able to hold on to the top spot.  The Denver running game has long been the staple for their success, but the addition of former Pro-Bowl WR Javon Walker will add to their passing offense.  It’s also questionable if Denver’s defense (who made no major additions in the off-season) will be able to stop anyone come January.  You can depend on the frequent snowstorms at your stadium and score 50 points a game, but it doesn’t matter when your opponents score 51. 

2.  Kansas City Chiefs – (Predicted: 9-7) – We all know that KC can run the ball.  In the recent past the’ve featured prolific ball carriers Priest Holmes and last year’s surprise star Larry Johnson, but can they do anything else?  Even with the loss of OT Willie Roaf, Larry Johnson should still be a fantasy and rushing stud as he’ll push the 2,000-yard mark for the next several seasons.  The Cheifs have struggled through on the other side of the ball.  Will the addition of defensive minded head coach Herm Edwards help a defense that has ranked in the bottom third of the league the past 4 years running?  In addition to the new blood at the helm, the Chiefs also added star CB Ty Law to play along 2nd-year LB Derrick Johnson, so their defense should be on the upswing, but with no major additions on offense, I don’t see the Chiefs overtaking the Broncos this year.

3.  San Diego Chargers – (Predicted: 9-7) – On a team that finished 9-7 last year, but finished 1-3 in their last 4 games, what do you think the best move would be?  Release your Pro-Bowl QB in exchange for a 3rd year QB who has only thrown 30 passes in the NFL?  I didn’t think so, but that is exactly what this team, formerly on the cusp, did.  Philip Rivers may turn out to be a Pro-Bowler in his own right, but besides the money factor I don’t understand how you just let a solid QB like Drew Brees walk away.  I guess Marty Schottenheimer knows a lot more than I do.  Actually who doesn’t?  Anyway, the Chargers still have offensive stars in Ladanian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates, but the void of experience at QB scares me.  I don’t think they get over the playoff hump this year.

4.  Oakland Raiders – (Predicted: 3-13) – I don’t know how a team could go from making the Super Bowl in 2002 to only winning 14 games over the last 4 years.  And no, that isn’t a typo.  The Raiders have only won 14 games over the last 4 years — less than the Houston Texans, less than the 49ers, and even less than that garbage in Cleveland.  Will they turn it around this year?  Hell no.  If Al Davis is constructing this team, he must have gone completely senile several years ago.  Their best free agent pickup this year….Aaron Brooks.  Now the only reason you might know who Aaron Brooks is, is because he’s well known in fantasy football circles for having decent season stats that are loaded with 2 or 3 game amazing performances and 13 to 14 games of stinkers.  Is that who you want leading your team into the season?  Of course not, but on the plus side, they do have a cocky receiver in Randy Moss, and they released their best cover cornerback, Charles Woodson.  Oh, those aren’t good things.  Hello Raiders, you are currently on the clock for the 1st draft pick of 2007.

HC

Jessica Biel’s bootie ….. Heath and Michelle say F U August 22, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Jessica Biel, Penelope Cruz.
3 comments

Sorry, it’s been a while since I posted.  I’ve been traveling for work and partying with rockstars, but you don’t care about the details.  All you care about is taking 15 minutes out of your day to read some celebrity nonsense and that’s what I’m here for.  So, away we go….and I’ll try to keep more up to date, but you get what you pay for.

— First up, Jessica Biel and her sweet arse.  At the New York premiere of The Illusionist, Jessica Biel brought a little more than her sweet smile and pearly whites.  Actually she brought a whole lot more.  I don’t know if she has 2 canned hams taped to her backside, but that is one sweet looking ass.  I’ve never seen that TV show she’s in, but if she wears ass-accentuating outfits, I might have to start tuning in.  Actually there is no way I’d watch a show on the WB or Oxygen or whatever station she’s on, but as long as she continues to show up at movie premieres I can get my fix there.  She definitely puts the “donk” in “ba-donk-a-donk”.

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— Here’s a question for you.  What is the most annoying noise you’ve ever heard?  A baby screaming?  Maybe your neighbor’s dog barking at 6AM across the street.  For me though, the most annoying noise I’ve ever heard is the voice of the annoying, mousey actress, Penelope Cruz.  I don’t know why she’s famous.  I don’t even think I could name one movie that she’s ever been in.  I guess she’s mildly attractive, but she doesn’t hold a candle to the aforementioned Jessica Biel.  Anyway, the only reason I bring her up at all is because I guess last weekend she decided to go swimming in a bikini and had a little trouble keeping the twins wrapped up.  Well one twin got out and she had a bit of a nipple slip.  God bless the evil twin.  Like I said before, I don’t know any movies she’s ever been in, so she could get naked in everything she’s in.  Maybe she’s actually a famous porn star named Slutty McSlut and the only thing dirtier than she is, is the New Jersey Shore.  I just don’t know anymore, but the bottom line is that I’m seeing her nips for the first time, and I’m sharing them with you.

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— And lastly I don’t know where celebrities think they get off these days.  Some of them yell at the paparazzi, some of them punch cameramen, and some even get drunk and call police officers horrible things like “sugar tits”.  But this following picture is just a horrible commentary on our society today.  Who do Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams think they are?  Actors we’ve actually heard of?  You’ve got to admire their choreography though.  They look like off-color syncronized swimmers gearing up for a meet.

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HC

So it’s been a week right?….. August 16, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan.
2 comments

I know I said I wouldn’t talk about those skanky-ass fools, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, but I think it’s been a week and I just can’t help myself with pics like these.  Apparently she’s off her bikini-a-week kick and into wearing burlap sacks now.  Seriously.  No, I’m not kidding.  What was she thinking when she walked into her closet?  Should I wear my pink bikini or blue bikini?  No, I’ll just mix it up a little and wear the burlap bag that my coffee beans came in?!?!  When I want to mix it up, I might wear shorts, not go to an extreme like wearing a gorilla suit.  Maybe she was so distracted by her bitchin’ case of VD or by the conch shell stuck in her ass from her crazy beach romp the night before, that she just decided to wear the bag her potatoes came in.  Whatever her problem was, we’ll never know.  But what I do know is that along with her sack outfit came a classy side boob shot.  Well, maybe classy for the red-light district, but nonetheless I enjoyed it.

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HC

NFL Preview – NFC South August 16, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Football, Sports.
1 comment so far

So, as we march on through the NFL preseason, I am marching on through my review of all of the NFL divisions.  Last week I went through the AFC South and NFC East, and this week I’m starting off with the NFC South.  Several teams in this division are on the rise, but will they just end up beating each other up?  On a side note for you fellow fantasy football addicts, my review on the NFC East could be way off if Clinton Portis’ injury from last night keeps him out of any games this season.  Injuries like that — he was tackling a defensive back returning an INT — on a meaning less play could make a huge impact on the upcoming season.  Hopefully he comes back in the next couple of weeks.

NFC South Review (Ranked by Predicted Record)

1.  Carolina Panthers – (Predicted: 12-4) – After losing in the NFC Championship game last year to the Seattle Seahawks and losing by a field goal to the Patriots 3 years ago, the Panthers should be up to the challenge of making it to the big game this year.  By adding a key-possession WR in the form of Keyshawn Johnson to play with All-World WR Steve Smith, the Panthers hope to improve their offense from the bottom half of the league last year.  Another improvement they made to the offense was adding rookie RB DeAngelo Williams out of the University of Memphis who led the nation in rushing last season with nearly 2,000 yards.  Now with an improved offense to mirror their third-ranked defense, the Panthers should be able to control the NFC South and power into the playoffs. 

2.  Tampa Bay Buccaneers – (Predicted: 9-7) – With a youth movement driving the offense but an aging defense, the Bucs are at a crossroads as they try to remain among the elite in their conference.  With an 11-5 record last year including a healthy 5-1 record in their division, the Bucs had a successful season.  But, when your best defenders (Simeon Rice, Derrick Brooks, Anthony “Booger” McFarland, and Ronde Barber) have played a total of 41 seasons in the league you know your defense is on it’s last legs.  By drafting 3 offensive players with their first 3 picks, their defense definitely didn’t get any younger, but with a rejuvenated offense with young stars at all key offensive positions (QB – Chris Simms, RB – Cadillac Williams, & WR – Michael Clayton), the Bucs are buoying their time on top.  After winning the Super Bowl in the 2002 season, the Bucs missed the playoffs two straight years before winning the division last year, so which team will show up this year?  As always, the health of key starters (Clayton and Williams both missed games last year) will play the key role in the Buccaneers success this year.

3.  Atlanta Falcons – (Predicted: 8-8) – For a team that finished last season 2-6 following a promising 6-2 start, the Falcons made too few changes in their roster to expect any significant improvement.  The Falcons have consistently relied on their power running game and an above-average defense, and they will again have to once again depend on these assets this year.  By not bringing in any new help for Michael Vick and the 27th ranked passing offense in the league, it looks like the Falcons will once again have to rely on his play-making ability to move the ball.  There are a few notable additions: the Falcons brought in veterans John Abraham and Lawyer Milloy who along defensive standouts CB DeAngelo Hall and DE Patrick Kerney will definitely solidify their defense.  Will this be enough to make them competitive with the top-tier teams in the league, much less their division?  My guess is no.

4.  New Orleans Saints – (Predicted: 6-10) – After hovering around 8 and 9 wins for several years, the Saints plummeted to the bottom of the league with a 3-13 record last season.  Of course, we all remember the pictures from Hurricane Katrina and the hardships that entire region went through in the last 12 months, so never being able to play at home, much less spend a night in your own bed all season had a dramatic effect on the team.  Now the team is armed with the #2 overall pick in the draft, uber-back Reggie Bush.  When you throw newcomer QB Drew Brees and a healthy Deuce McAllister into the mix, they are definitely on the road back to respectability.  With a team that mirrors a city in rebuilding mode they are putting the pieces in place to be able to have a very competitive team in the near future, just not this year.

HC

Natalie Portman is on high beam alert! August 14, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Natalie Portman.
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 — As I’ve discussed multiple times this summer like here and here, this bra-less trend that has been sweeping the nation is quite fantastic.  I don’t know if this started like one of those stupid Bill Gates is going to pay us all a million dollars if I respond emails or if it was created by ‘Man Law’ and Miller Lite and I just missed the memo.  Either way, I don’t care, I just simply love it. 

The newest member of the bra-less society is sweet, innocent Natalie Portman.  I guess a degree from Harvard doesn’t teach you to put your underwear on…

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 — This is actually from last week, but it was just too funny to pass up.  Last week in a British Tabloid, the headline ran, “Val Kilmer Goes from Batman to Fatman” as some pictures surfaced of Val on the beach looking like a beached whale.  I’m not saying that I have the most svelte figure (think Fat Elvis), but I also don’t get paid millions of dollars to make shitty movies.  Maybe if you had a job at the Pawtucket Brewery, then you’d have a solid reason for that beer gut.  At least the cowboy hat takes away from his pasty white ass….

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 — In new Jessica Simpson news, she’s still wearing tight pants and bust-enhancing tops, but she brought something new to the party this weekend, her moose knuckle.  I don’t know if she was out on the town, at a concert, or performing herself, but that is a serious moose knuckle on display.  And for all you female readers out there (thats quite an assumption I just made there, first that their are readers and second that any females would actually read this junk) how do you let your pants ride that far up your ass?  Can you not feel that?  For a girl with such a kick-ass body, she wears some serious garbage out on a daily basis.

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 HC

NFL Preview – NFC East August 11, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Football, Sports.
3 comments

Next up on the preview trail is probably the toughest division in the NFL this season, the NFC East.  In a division that is loaded with talent and new faces, the team that comes out on top of this division will definitely be battle tested.  Not only will the division winner make the playoffs, I think both Wild Card teams will come out of this division too.

NFC East Review (Ranked by predicted record)

1.  Washington Redskins (Prediction: 12-4) – The Redskins finished the 2005 season on a huge roll by winning their last 5 straight games and look to continue this success in the 2006 season.  With the additions of WRs Brandon Lloyd and Antwaan Randle El, the Redskins should be able to stretch the field more for star RB Clinton Portis who finished last season with 7 straight 100 yd rushing performances.  But the biggest addition to the Redskins offense will never see the field in 2006: offensive guru / coach Al Saunders.  Saunders previously coached some of the most explosive rushing attacks in the league at Kansas City and will surely bring this successful system to Washington.  Along with defensive coordinator Gregg Williams the Redskins will be tough to stop on both sides of the field.

2.  New York Giants (Prediction: 11-5) – Last year’s division champs will follow up their 11-5 record last year with…an 11-5 record.  Their offense is downright scary with a maturing Eli Manning, a stud RB in Tiki Barber (not in a fantasy sense though, he just doesn’t score enough TDs and will probably score even fewer this year), one of the top 3 TEs in the league with resident loud-mouth Jeremy Shockey, and a great one-two punch of WRs with Plaxico Burress and the aging Amani Toomer.  I wonder how well this offense will play when on the field though.  With one of the 3 hardest schedules in the league, the Giants’ offense missed a chance to gain some chemistry this past summer when Shockey and Plaxico opted to work out on their own in Miami instead of working in camp with Manning and the rest of the team.  Will this have an effect on timing routes and the offense?  Only time will tell.  On the defensive side they made huge improvements.  By adding LaVar Arrington and Sam Madison to a group that already included Michael Strahan, Osi Umenyiora, and Antonio Pierce, the Giants could have 5 Pro Bowlers on that side of the ball. 

3.  Dallas Cowboys (Prediction: 10-6) – Bill Parcells has only himself to live up to this season since he has been to the Super Bowl in his 4th season at a team every time he has coached somewhere that long.  Along with the addition of resident QB-basher Terrell Owens, the Cowboys added one of the best kickers in the league in Mike Vanderjagt (although one of the least clutch) and OT Jason Fabini.  Expectations in Big D are extremely high this year, but I’m not sure if I agree with those sentiments.  Although Owens was a huge acquisition and a possibly huge headache to boot, I don’t think he is that significant an upgrade over Keyshawn Johnson.  He is definitely a game breaker, but I’m not sure if the headaches will be worth it and he still doesn’t provide them with any more depth than they had last year.  Behind Owens and Glenn, the remaining WRs only have a total of 38 catches.  But, if TO is on his best behavior, he could bring a swagger that they’ve been lacking in Big D for years.  The question still remains if Julius Jones can stay healthy and if their defense can stop some people this year.

4.  Philadelphia Eagles (Prediction: 7-9) – Well, no matter how their season finishes this year, I think Donovan McNabb will have a lot less stress on him.  In a TO-free season, Donovan will look to prove that he can once again lead the Eagles into playoffs as he had the four seasons prior to last year.  The problem is though, his best receiver is probably 2nd year veteran Reggie Brown who is just one among the cast of characters competing for catches.  The best receiver on the team may very well not even be a receiver but a running back.  Brian Westbrook will once again be the focal point of the offense, but the question, as always, will be if he can carry the load of a full season.  Westbrook has never completed a full season in his 4 year career and is backed up by oft-injured Correll Buckhalter and inexperienced Ryan Moats so depth at running back is definitely a concern for head coach Andy Reid.  Their defense, led by Jevon Kearse and Jeremiah Trotter, will be stout as always, but in such a difficult division, will they be able to hold down the fort the entire season?  My money says no.

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HC

Jessica tired of creepy dad and Scarlett on Baywatch?? August 9, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Scarlett Johansson.
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I am utterly exhausted from talking about media whores like Paris and Lindsay Lohan, so I’m going to try to avoid them for an entire week.  I don’t know if it’s possible because they are the easiest targets around these days, but I’m going to make a solid effort.  You guys with me?

 — Jessica Simpson’s dad is creepy even to me, a guy who posts paparazzi pics of nip slips and see-thru dresses.  A perennial father of the year candidate, Joe Simpson gave GQ the classic quotes of “She’s got doubleD’s!” and “You can’t cover those suckers up!” referring to his well endowed blonde daughter.  Yeah it’s normal to talk about your daughter’s breasticles like you have a fistful of dollars and are seated in front of a pole listening to Kid Rock.  US Weekly has quoted a “source” as saying the daughters are finally fed up with it:  “It creeps everyone out.  And he thinks he knows what he’s doing, and that he’s doing what’s best for his kids.”  I understand he’s done a good job making his 2 marginally talented daughters successful, but he’s about as qualified to be their manager as I am to train astronauts to fix the space station.  Actually I might be more qualified because I submitted an application to Space Camp 20 years ago. 

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 — Unfortunately Scarlett’s not going to be in a remake of Baywatch anytime soon.  Well at least not that I know of and I’m a charter member of the Baywatch fan and have David Hasselhoff on speed dial.  Well, she may not be in a Baywatch movie, but she’s definitely in a Baywatch swimsuit in her latest movie Scoop.  All I know about this movie are these things: it is a Woody Allen movie, it has Scarlett Johansson, and it has Scarlett Johansson’s boobies.  The movie apparently has received decent reviews, and here is a clip of the movie, some pictures of Scarlett and her aforementioned boobies.  Enjoy.

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 — And lastly, I don’t know who out there doesn’t watch The Office, but here is another reason to watch (And by the way, if you don’t watch you are a DAMN fool and I’m personally sending Dwight and his bobble head to beat your ass).  Anyway, I have no idea where this picture is from or what it is for, but I’m not complaining.  For your viewing pleasure, Pam (Jenna Fisher for you non-Office watching fools).

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HC