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New Hotties to spice up your Thursday September 21, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Erica Durance, Kristin Kreuk, Sophie Monk.
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As all of you know who come here on a regular basis, this site caters to those looking for celebrity drivel and the occasional sports story.  With that being said, most stories revolve around the utterly stupid and trashy (e.g. Lindsay Lohan and Paris) or stars that I find extremely attractive (Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Simpson).  So, I’ve decided to change it up a bit and show you guys some new faces (like you’re looking at their faces) to drool over.  That work for everyone?

 — First up is Erica Durance who plays “Lois Lane” on the new network CW’s show, Smallville.  I looked her up on IMDB and she hasn’t done much yet, which I would soley attribute to her being Canadian – that’s a real liability in Hollywood.  Once she gets a couple good roles under her belt, no one will hold that against her anymore.

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 — Next is another attractive lady from Smallville, Kristin Kreuk, even if she looks like she’s wearing a Glad trash bag.  Maybe they can’t afford real clothes working for the CW.  She hasn’t done much either, but was in Eurotrip; however, since she wasn’t her, her or her, I didn’t recognize her. 

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 — And lastly is some girl named Sophie Monk who is dating one of those posers from Good Charlotte.  With all the money that guy has made from looking tough but selling out to 13 year old girls, could he at least dress like a normal adult?  I bet those tattoos are rub-ons and I think I can smell him from here.  Well, at least his girlfriends boob pops out.

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HC

Britney sucks in her gut, Paris in Hell, and Posh’s pokies September 20, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Victoria Beckham.
6 comments

 — Here are some new pictures of Posh Spice and her pokies out on the town.  Are we sure that’s really her though?  I’m not a scientist, but people’s eyes usually don’t bulge out like that, and their skin doesn’t usually look like wax.  I think someone stole her wax figure out of Madame Tussaud’s and is carrying it around putting different outfits on her.  Some outfits just happen to be more revealing than others.  One thing we can all agree on though is that she has fantastic cans.  Silicone, wax, or whatever, they’re terrific.

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 — Although it pains me to talk about her, I have to mention this.  It looks like Paris Hilton has dropped another notch further into the depths of hell.  In her new video, Nothing in this World, she’s shown gyrating on what looks to be 12 year old boy.  No, not Pink, an actual 12 year old boy.  Anyway, I could care less about what the song is about or what the video is about; all I want to know is how this doesn’t break any child endangerment laws?  Isn’t there something in the Declaration of Independence about not allowing harlots within so many yards of children?  I swear I learned that in 7th grade.

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 — Now the church is giving my girl, Jessica, a hard time too.  A Christian minister from Texas is now criticizing the Simpson sisters for using sex to sell their music.  Here are a couple tidbits from his rant and a couple of my comments:

“They don’t represent American standards and certainly not Christian standards,”

Interesting, I didn’t know molesting small boys and criticizing Muslims was an American or Christian standard.

“Their father has replaced his faith in the Lord with the love of money, which is the root of all evil. He has replaced holiness with horniness.”

This very well may be true, but his daughters are smoking hot and….seriously, I can’t argue with that.  Their dad creeps me the hell out.

“[Jessica and Ashlee] will reap the dismal crops they are sowing. Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither and they will be left with nothing but a hollow shell.”

Really?  “Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither”?  Has he heard of plastic surgery?  Maybe they don’t have it in the small ass town he’s from, but I think the last thing JS would do is let her boobs sag.  She flaunts those bad boys like she’s getting paid for it.  Oh wait, she is – I guess that’s the crazy Texan minister’s point, but I’d do it too if I was blessed with them (actually I’d probably stay home all day and play with them, but that’s the difference between you and me).  And lastly:

“But it looks like they’ve lost a lucrative segment of their record buyers along the way.”

According to my extensive research, 12 year old girls buy 2000% more albums than creepy Christian ministers.  Now this may be off by a small percentage, but much time was put into the calculations.

So what’s the big damn deal?  Maybe he’s just jealous because he can’t have kids who make tons of cash so he could retire.  Or, maybe he does have kids and they are ugly, talentless fools. 

 — So, while Redneck Spears was in the hospital having K-Fed’s spawn, it’s being reported that she also had a tummy tuck.  Now I’m no doctor, but I’ve watched enough infomercials to know that the only way to get rock-hard abs like mine is to do 2000 crunches daily with a brand name product, like the Ab Roller.  Why would Britney take the easy way out??  Because she’s easy.  Do you think K-Fed would disagree?  Maybe she needed to be skinnier to fit into her Corn-Dog costume for Halloween.  No matter how she does it, if she gets back into “Pre-KFag” shape like these pictures, I’m definitely okay with that.

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HC

Scarlett has a fantastic rack…and knows it September 19, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Scarlett Johansson.
4 comments

In a new article for InStyle, the star of The Black Dahlia – Scarlett Johansson, tells the magazine that just because she is famous, doesn’t mean that the world needs to know everything about her life. 

“I can’t stand those articles where people spill their life story,” Johansson says in the October issue of InStyle magazine, on newsstands Friday. “After a while I feel like I know more about them than their best friend does and that’s weird. It’s better when you don’t know everything.”

She also talks about how she loves her figure and wouldn’t change a thing about it.

“I’m curvy I’m never going to be 5’11’ and 120 pounds. But I feel lucky to have what I’ve got.”

We all feel lucky that you have what you’ve got.  What a breath of fresh air.  Seriously, I’m so sick of these trashy whores mucking up Hollywood.  It’s always: Lindsay Lohan broke her wrist while jacking off a donkey in Tijuana, Paris Hilton got an STD from a panda in China, Britney is pregnant with her ump-teenth trailer trash kid or something else equally tacky.   

Scarlett’s last quote is the best:

“Whose life would I like to step into for the day? The president’s. I could probably get some things done in the Oval Office.”

The president?  If you asked Lindsay Lohan that question I almost guarantee it would be some nightclub owner or a DJ.  And if you asked Paris where the President worked, she couldn’t tell you even if you spotted her the White and the House.  And Scarlett could definitely get something done with a rack like that.  It’s a well known fact that ample amounts of cleavage can solve most disputes including world hunger.

I could write all day about his girl.  She is simply gorgeous, seems to have it all together, would rather spend her time working on her craft instead of partying – which is only unfortunate because her craft isn’t wearing a french maid outfit at the Holden Caulfield mansion and serving me fruity drinks by the pool – and she’s smoking hot.  Did I say that already?  Anyway, I’m babbling and here are the pictures from the magazine and a couple others.

 scarlett-johansson-vogue-uk-03.jpg     scarlett-johansson-vogue-uk-04.jpg     scarlett_johansson11.jpg     scarlett6.jpg

HC

Posh’s boobie, Biel’s kiss, and Aguilera’s hottness September 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Christina Aguilera, Entertainment, Jessica Biel, K-Fed, Lindsay Lohan, Pink, Victoria Beckham.
2 comments

— Fashion week was last week in NYC, and one of the best things to come out of it was the appearance of Victoria Beckham’s nipple.  Posh Spice usually just flaunts her silicone chest through her shirt with her headlights on (as seen in the first picture with the pink jacket), but it looks like one of the twins snuck out of her black dress last week.  Nipples want to see the fashions too.  The real question I have is, are her nipples as fake as her boobs?  I mean those water balloons are pumped up to maximum capacity and I just wonder if her nipples are actually that hard and pointy or if they’re just those plastic spouts they have on floats to blow them up.  Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit.  And when did she become an emotionless android?  The computer in War Games showed more personality.

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 — In my perusing of the internet lately, I found some interesting pictures.  Usually, the only pictures I ever seem to find of Jessica Biel are of her working out or running with her dogs or working out and running with her dogs.  BORING!  So when I found pictures of her making out with a GIRL, I felt inclined to post them for you guys.  Now maybe she isn’t exactly making out, but that is only because the photographer was a little slow in squeezing off a picture because he was shocked by the sheer beauty of the kiss.  At least that’s what I’m going to think.  Plus with a tongue like that, the possibilities are just endless.

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 — My favorite little giraffe woman is in the news again and is quickly becoming cliche.  I’m going to keep this short and sweet because I know you need your Lindsay Lohan fix that doesn’t involve a beaver.  First of all, she broke her wrist last week –most likely rubbing one out for a Def Leppard roady.  And then, she went to a birthday party for her mom Dina last week that ended when her mom got sloshed (while setting a stellar example) and Lindsay told her to “Go to Hell”.  Now I don’t know about the birthday parties you guys go to, but at the ones I frequent, the mom usually doesn’t get hammered, and if she does we pretend not to notice.  We certainly don’t tell her to go to hell.  We just eat our cake and ice cream, and discretely spike our own cups of punch.  The Lohans are classy though, so I’ve got to be the one doing it wrong.  

 — Proving that opposites attract, I provide Exhibit A: Christina Aguilera, who is smoking hot, and her husband who is probably suppsoted to be guarding a pot of gold.  Look at him trying to kiss her.  He looks like a monkey trying to lick a coconut.  I seriously doubt they do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.  

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 — In what has become a national phenomenon, our WTF section brings you the cover photo to K-Fag’s new album.  What on this cover would actually inspire someone to buy it?  Maybe it’s the clean-cut image he’s portraying by not showing any of his poser tattoos.  No, maybe it’s the cards and the smoking cigarette next to him.  Nope, I’ve got it; it’s either the drink on fire or the sweet script in which ‘Playing with Fire’ is written in.  Yep, definitely the script.  If there’s any justice in this world, the prankster who graffitied Paris’ album will get a hold of this one too.  Although, what would he really do?  Make K-Fed look like a smug, no-talent, piece of shit?  Done and done.

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 — And one last note, is Pink hot or just a 12-year old boy?  I’m totally confused.

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HC

Firecrotch is hitched? September 14, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan.
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Say it isn’t so. My favorite little giraffe may have gone and gotten hitched to Harry “Pink” Morton.  The always reliable Star reports that Lindsay called her mom and announced “Mom, I’m getting married.”  I’m going to choose not to believe this one.  If it were true, we’d have seen her in a “Mrs. Morton” bikini by now.  And, if I can’t have her, no one can.  She’s too young, and her breasts (and other parts) are too untamed for one man.

Maybe she’ll pull out the potato sack for the honeymoon.

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HC

Bond Girls put the GR in Grrrrrrrrr September 14, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Eva Green, James Bond, Jessica Simpson, Kate Bosworth, Rachel Bilson.
2 comments

— Where is He-Man when you need him?  With Skeletor running on the loose, you would think he and Battle Cat would be right around the corner.  And no, I’m not talking about that walking bag of bones, Nicole Richie.  I’m talking about the once extremely attractive Kate Bosworth who now looks to be auditioning for a role as a skeleton at my local haunted house.  Except with no costume…or makeup.  Wasn’t she hot at one time?  Actually, I know she was, and I have the proof.  She was hot in Blue Crush when she didn’t look like a walking corpse.  I don’t know who decided that being super-skinny and weighing less than a 10 year old were good things, but this has to stop.  Eat a burger and bring back the HOT Kate Bosworth!  On a side note, if you’d like to see Kate’s nipple on her gaunt figure, check out the pictures.

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 — Well, now that you’ve had a couple days to see the new trailer for Casino Royale (the new James Bond flick), I thought it was time for you to meet the newest Bond girl.  Her name is Eva Green.  She is smoking hot and has a fantastic rack (as seen in Dreamers).  She’s only been in a couple of movies so far but in Casino Royale she’ll play Russian spy Vesper Lynd.  And as a side-note, what happened to the sexually suggestive Bond girl names?  Dr. Holly Goodhead (Moonraker), Xenia Onatopp (Goldeneye), Octopussy (Octopussy), and my personal favorite Pussy Galore (Goldfinger).  I bet if Sean Connery were still Bond, he’d break all the rules of movies these days by calling women sexually suggestive names and sleeping around the entire movie.  Oh how I long for those days.

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 — File this under the “Wait, they’ve been married 14 years?!?” category.  It looks like Bobby and Whitney are calling it quits after 14 years filled with drug addiction, crack whores, and overdoses (and that’s just Whitney).  One good note is that they only spawned one child, a daughter named Bobby Kristina.  I’m sure she’ll grow up to be a pillar of society, a completely socially adjusted adult.  Just like Macaully Culkin…

 — More hotties in the news lately…Bang Showbiz is reporting that Rachel Bilson will be playing Wonder Woman in an upcoming movie.  Now I barely know who Rachel Bilson is, apparently she’s on that barely watched series The O.C., so I had my crack team of sleuths pull up the Mystery Van and see what we could dig up.  Well slap my ass and call me Shirley, she’s pretty darn hot!  So here’s what we dug up: if you want to see what she’ll look like as Wonder Woman, watch this and if you just want to see her girl-next-door hotness, check her out here.

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 — And last but certainly not least, the following pictures contain a Fed-Ex truck, a Range Rover, a pair of ugly boots, a tool wearing a red shirt with a watch the size of a hand grenade and Jessica’s twins.

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HC

LL is pantyless..again ,Britney reproduces…again, Paris punked…again, Claire Danes in Paris…again, and more…again September 13, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Carmen Electra, Claire Danes, Entertainment, James Bond, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Uncategorized.
3 comments

 — The panty-less baby giraffe is at it again.  I don’t know what this girl’s deal is; maybe she thinks that if she ‘forgets’ her panties enough times she’ll bump her arch-rival, Paris, from the headlines.  Whatever she thinks, it’s working, because unless she starts dropping trow on a daily basis and I get tired of staring at her wrinkled bits, she’ll headline this site.

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— It looks like our favorite corn-dog eating champion has once again reproduced.  The story came out last week that she was having Jailynn (her aptly named son – and by the way, when did Jailynn become a name, much less a GUY’S name?  I know, I know, it’s her parent’s names combined, I’m just so confused by the insanity), but now it is reported that she gave birth to a 6 pound, 12 ounce ball of redneck at 2AM this morning.  KFed apparently had to lay off the bong for a couple hours and drive her to the hospital for her C-section.  I can only imagine how this scene played out at the Spears – Federline household:

Britney (screaming through a mouthful of ding-dongs) – “Kevin, I think my water broke, but on the good side, I think my feet are finally clean.”

KFed (in a smokey haze) – “Damn biatch, what have I done told you about interupting my ‘private’ time?”

Britney – “Please…pretty please will you take me?  I don’t want to have to take the bus to the hospital again!  And can we get an extra bag of Cheetos for the road?”

And so is the life of Cletus and his beautiful bride Brandine.  Here’s a pic of Brandine and a rendering of offspring #2.

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 — Well Paris has been spunked…I mean punked again.  Richard Branson, the uber-billionaire founder of Virgin records recently threw a Mad Hatter bash for his son’s birthday.  Enter Paris Hilton, the slut of all sluts, an unbelievably classless woman with no discernable talents who decided to turn this party into her very own by coming dressed as Alice.  Re-enter Branson who, once he got wind of this, had all of the 60 cocktail waitresses dress as Alice so she would blend in as the waitstaff.  To top it off, he “accidentally” thought she was a waitress and attempted to order a drink and walked off.  Screw Ashton Kutcher, hire Branson to host the next year of Punk’d.  That story was simply fantastic, needs no comments from me, and actually put a hop in my step.

 — What in the world have you been up to Claire Danes?  I can’t remember the last movie I saw her in besides Terminator 3, and I’m slightly embarrassed to say that I saw that movie (but damn, have you seen Arnold’s ass lately?  Mmmmm).  Anyway, just like I had a Kate Hudson story just for the hell of it yesterday, I’m doing the same with Claire.  And just like Kate, she’s not wearing a bra.  But unlike Kate, she’s wearing a white blouse that tends to be a little see-through when photographed in front of the Eiffel Tower.  Damn Frenchies and their trick photography! 

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 — In what is becoming a daily edition of WTF were they thinking, we have our newest entry, Carmen Electra.  I guess these are pictures from a fashion show, but for all I know, they could be pictures from her Vegas wedding to some freak like Marilyn Manson.  Or since they are remaking every movie that made at least $10, maybe this is an audition for Young Frankenstein.  I bet Gene Wilder is rolling over in his grave.  Oh…he’s not dead.

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 — And finally, the clip is out for the new James Bond Trailer.  It looks good except I can’t get over the guy that plays Bond.  He looks so full of himself, like some sort of blonde version of Steven Seagal.  I can’t decide if it looks good or not, so you can take a gander and decide for yourself.

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HC

Lindsay sans bra, Kate with her bikini, and a little Tennis fo’ yo ass September 11, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, John Travolta, Kate Hudson, Lindsay Lohan, Maria Sharapova, Sports.
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 — As the weeks go by, I guess nothing about these young celebrities should surprise us anymore.  Lindsay Lohan seems to have gone to the Paris Hilton school of marketing because whether forgetting to wear panties as you get off a boat in Venice or going bra-less while wearing your see-through shirt as you walk down the street in LA, those two will stop at nothing to get their names in headlines every week.  Next thing you know, Jessica Simpson will be doing naked cartwheels in Times Square (if her dad’s lucky) or Scarlett Johansson will be riding a motorcycle over the Snake River naked just to steal the headlines from those two.  So as I’ve alluded to, Lindsay decided to continue her rebellion against underwear by walking the streets in a see-through shirt sans bra.  My favorite part of the outfit, besides the obvious, is the black fedora.  Who wears hats like that anymore??  Did she just get finished filming a remake to Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal?  What confuses me the most about this girl is that I can’t tell if she is doing all of these things on purpose.  Is this a concerted effort to prove to the world that she is the sluttiest 20-year old on the planet?  Or is she just a damn fool that gets too much attention for accomplishing VERY LITTLE.  I’m going with option A, because I can’t believe anyone with that kind of money would have hired ALL idiots to work with her.  I guess all I’m proving is that, for the 838th time, I tend to give people entirely too much credit.

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 — I found some new bikini pictures, and since they didn’t involve Lindsay, I felt compelled to post them.  Kate Hudson decided to bring out her stripity-striped bikini and head to the beach.  Damn she has a nice body.  That hippie-haired guy in that band we never hear anymore needs to do everything he can do to hold on to that.  He’ll clearly never do any better.  Too bad she’s not “stupid” enough to walk around without panties or generally make an ass out of herself on a consistent basis or we’d see her here on HC more often.  Since she doesn’t, I have to take advantage of what I get.  I threw in a picture from Almost Famous just in case you’d forgotten about her many talents.

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 — Speaking of hotties, look at the one on the left in this picture:

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WTF you might ask?  It’s Johnny Travolta and I know it’s for his role as Edna Turnblad in Hairspray, but after you get photographed kissing a guy just a couple weeks ago people start to question everything you do.  People like me.  So this is what I think, I think he’s a flaming douche-bag and that Scientology is making him dress like a woman and kiss men to try to take some of the heat off of Tom Cruise.  Only time will tell whether my theory is correct.

 — And one last sports note.  I don’t know if anyone watched the Women’s US Open final on Saturday night — I flicked it on during the Ohio State – Texas massacre — and holy crap am I going to start watching more women’s tennis.  Yes, I already knew that Maria Sharapova was a stone-cold fox, but did anyone catch her at the US Open?  She has to be one of the hottest women in sports and she actually has some talent, enough talent to win 2 Grand Slams. 

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HC

Weekend Wrap – Britney + JailFed, Paris, Scarlett, LL and more September 8, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Scarlett Johansson.
2 comments

I decided that since the weekend was upon us and with the return of pro football, that I should post something today so that you guys had something to read over the weekend.  And, because in between sitting by the pool at the Holden Caulfield mansion drinking frozen Cuba Libres (Frozen Rum and Cokes for you novice drinkers out there), checking the scores of my fantasy football teams, and re-looking at the pictures of Lindsay with no underpants, I might not have time to post for a couple days.  Anyway, I digress. 

Here are some stories from the past week that I just couldn’t let slip by:

 — Britney supposedly had her daughter yesterday during a scheduled C-section.  There were 2 conflicting reports.  One from ContactMusic reported that she was going to give birth to her daughter Jailynn (more on that later) yesterday at the UCLA Medical Center in Santa Monica, but the NY Daily Newsis reporting that she was planning to give birth next week on September 14th, coincidentally the same day her other spawn of K-Fed was born, Sean Preston.  So when is Britney going to have her daughter?  Who the hell cares?  More importantly, when is she going to stop popping out kids like a Pez dispenser and get hot again?  I long for the days of Britney in her red latex suit with a hint of cameltoe.  And what the hell is up with the name Jailynn?  I understand that it is supposed to be a combination of her parents’ names (Jamie & Lynn), so how in the hell did she get JAILynn?  I’m confused, is she making the Jail-Fed joke for us now?  I know she made fun of herself on the VMA’s 2 weeks ago, but making your kid’s name a joke?  That’s pretty rough….or brilliant.  Maybe she’s some kind of super-genius sent from the future to trick us all into being white trash and walking barefoot into gas station bathrooms. 

Old Britney (with cameltoe) & Fugly Britney:

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— The recent weeks haven’t been too kind to that trashy ho Paris Hilton.  First her debut album (using the term “album” extremely loosely) had sales of only 75,000 copies and barely cracked the Billboard Top 100.  Not that this surprised anyone seeing as I’d pay money to see monkeys playing banjos before I’d pay a nickel to that talentless tart.  To make matters worse (and by “worse” I mean hilarious), about 500 copies of her album were tampered with in the UK by an artist named Banksy and replaced with copies that had remixes with titles like: Why am I Famous?, What Have I Done? and What Am I For?.  The kicker was that they replaced the CD sleeve with pictures of her topless.  Now we’ve all seen her topless, but this was a simply fantastic prank on all levels.  The problem is though, with so few copies being bought, the odds are slim that one of those 500 golden CD tickets would actually be found.  But some were, and here are the pictures (I’ll let you guess which is the real one, and by the way, the one with the dog head is terrific):

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And to cap off her stellar week, pictures came out of Paris in handcuffs yesterday.  And no, it wasn’t from some kinky photo-shoot she did to make enough money for blow for the weekend.  She was pulled over for DUI while making a midnight run to In-N-Out Burger.  Now I am quite a fan of In-N-Out Burger myself, but I think if I “hadn’t eaten all day and had a margarita that afternoon” as Paris told Ryan Seacrest yesterday, I probably couldn’t blow .08 for the police.  And isn’t her blowing .08 the joke within itself?  It wouldn’t work nearly as well if it was anyone but Paris.  Here are some of her kinky pics:

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 — A quick story on Lindsay Lohan because honestly, I’m sick of talking about her.  Unless she’s going to go completely nude in a movie or Playboy, I’m not interested.  I mean, over the last couple of weeks, she’s had a nip slip, a side boob poking out of a potato sack and most recently she went commando in Venice.  So unless she puts it all together for a spread in Hustler, don’t call me.  Oh, who am I kidding, I love that little giraffe woman.  In the latest Lindsay “news”, she was apparently robbed at Heathrow Airport by a 20 year old woman who stole her Hermes bag with approximately $1 million dollars worth of jewelry and her medication.  I’m going to ignore the point that she owns $1 million dollars worth of jewelry seeing as her net worth is only around $7 million and simply question what “medication” she had that is so valuable?  As quoted by her rep and TMZ:

Lindsay’s rep, Leslie Sloane, confirms to TMZ the theft occurred and that Lindsay is extremely upset about the loss of personal belongings. “She is begging for the return of the items,” Sloane says. “She doesn’t care how she gets them back, she just wants her stuff back.”

The Hermès Birkin bag that was stolen also contained Lindsay’s much needed asthma medication.

Much needed asthma medication?  Lets be honest, I understand people can have serious asthma and it can be life threatening if not taken care of, but can’t you by that crap at any drugstore?  She’s F-ing Lindsay Lohan!  Couldn’t she have a whole case sent to her hotel at any time?   There are some things I just don’t understand.

 — Most of you out there know that any chance I get to talk about Scarlett Johansson and her fantastic chest, I will.  So here’s to not letting you down.  This past week, Scarlett had a few too many “champagne cocktails”, was a little tipsy, and broke into her neighbor’s apartment by mistake.  She explains (Starpulse):

“I was coming home, it was very late, mind you, it was like four in the morning. Maybe I’d had like one too many champagne cocktails, or whatever… But I got home, of course I wasn’t driving, and I opened my door and it wasn’t my kitchen! It was somebody else’s kitchen and I left and I realized my key opens up somebody else’s door in my building. It like slides right in and opens it up!

“I slammed the door shut as quickly as I could and I ran to the stairs because I didn’t want them to think, ‘Who the hell was that?’ It was a disaster! Then I thought maybe I should go back and see if they had a can of Coke or something… I just got back from Venice (from the Venice Film Festival), so I don’t have any groceries!”

What?!?!?  I’ve been kneeling next to my bed for the past year praying that this would happen to me and for nothing?  Scarlett Johansson drunk at 4AM in your apartment?  That’s like finding the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and actually getting to meet a leprechaun too.  That’s like the holy grail of medicine, the Front Butt.  I don’t know what to think anymore.  Well, here are some pics of her breasticles from her recent Tonight Show appearance:

 scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-01.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-03.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-04.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-07.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-09.jpg

 — And one last thing.  These pictures of Elizabeth Hurley are just amazing.  She is 41 years old and has a 4 year old son and is still that hot???  How is that genetically possible?  She’s definitely in the Diane Lane and Heather Locklear category for hottest celebrity MILFs around.  Grrr….

 elizabeth_berkley_elle_5_big.jpg     elizabeth_berkley_elle_big.jpg     elizabeth_berkley_elle_7_big.jpg     elizabeth_berkley_elle_2_big.jpg

Have a great weekend kids.

HC

NFL Preview – NFC North, NFC West, AFC East, AFC North September 7, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Football, Sports.
1 comment so far

Well, as some of you may have noticed, I was doing some previews of each NFL division over the past couple of weeks.  And, you also may have noticed that I haven’t posted one in weeks.  Now instead of calling me names like “Slack-ass” and “Stupid piece of crap” maybe you should be happy for the half of the league I did review.  Greedy bastards.  Well, I decided that since the beginning of the season is upon us in just a couple hours, it would be appropriate for me to actually finish my reviews.  For the sake of time though, I’m just going to do a quick recap of each division just so you know what’s going on.  Like I actually know myself.

NFC North– The NFC’s northern division will once again be dominated by the Chicago Bears and their top-notch defense.  I loved the way the Bears approached the draft this year: if they couldn’t get a top notch offensive talent they weren’t going to waste it.  So what did they do?  They drafted almost exclusively defense to make their top-ranked defense even more potent.  Expect a lot of 10-3 games at Solider Field this year.  Next up should be the improving Minnesota Vikings.  After last year’s ‘Sex Boat’ scandal you can expect new coach Brad Childress to install some discipline on this team.  The additions of new RB Chester Taylor and All-Pro Guard Steve Hutchinson should help this team put some points on the board.  Bringing up the rear of the division will be the Detroit Lions and the Green Bay Packers.  The Lions have been in complete disarray the past several years under the guidance of GM Matt Millen and the addition of Offensive Coordinator Mike Martz won’t help the situation.  After blowing draft picks on Joey Harrington (traded to Miami), Charles Rogers (cut), and Mike Williams (currently their 5th WR), the Lions have no depth and no direction.  This isn’t the year they turn it around.  As for the Packers, hopefully this is Brett Favre’s swansong.  He came back to a team hurting for talent on both sides of the ball, but like a fat girl at the prom, he’s just happy to be there.  The 2 biggest questions for the Pack will be if Favre throws fewer INTs than TDs this year and if they can win as many games as his jersey number – 4.  For you non-football peeps, that’s not good.

Predicted Records:  Chicago Bears  11-5,  Minnesota Vikings  8-8,  Detroit Lions  5-11,  Green Bay Packers  4-12

NFC West– This is another division that should be dominated again by last year’s division winner.  The Seattle Seahawks made it all the way to the Super Bowl last year, and no one in their division should stand in their way of making the playoffs again this year.  Although the loss of Steve Hutchinson will hurt the offense, the additions of Nate Burleson and 2-time Pro-Bowl LB Julian Peterson should more than make up for that loss on the other side of the ball.  The only team in the NFC West with a chance to unseat the Seahawks is the St. Louis Rams.  Now that the Mike Martz experiment has failed and Martz has been pawned off on Detroit, the Rams should be able to field an extremely talented offense led by the threesome of QB Marc Bulger, RB Steven Jackson, and WR Torry Holt.  If Bulger can get some protection and time to throw the ball and if Jackson can run effectively, the Rams could push the Seahawks in the division and should definitely contend for the Wild card.  Vying for third in the West is the vastly improved Arizona Cardinals.  Behind the guidance of new head coach Dennis Green and with the key addition of All-Pro RB Edgerrin James, the Cardinals’ offense should be one of the best in the league.  Pairing James with WRs Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin has tons of potential, but the question mark will still be on the health of QB Kurt Warner.  A healthy Warner could lead to a wild card berth, but an injury early on will force rookie QB Matt Leinart into action and another sub-par season.  Bringing up the rear of the division, as they have the past 2 years, will be the San Francisco 49ers.  Once one of the top franchises in the league, the 49ers have fallen all the way to the bottom of the league, turning dynasty to disaster.  Without some radical changes, they don’t look to be moving up anytime soon.  The only bright spot for the 49ers should be RB Frank Gore who is finally healthy and looks primed for a breakout season.

Predicted Records:  Seattle Seahawks  12-4,  St. Louis Rams  8-8,  Arizona Cardinals  7-9,  San Francisco 49ers  4-12

AFC East – Now on to the AFC’s eastern division.  This should be a 2-team race between the steady New England Patriots and the upstart Miami Dolphins.  Some of the Patriots losses could have a huge impact on the race though.  Losing PK Adam Vinatieri and LB Willie McGinnist will have a huge impact on the team both on the field and in the locker room.  The holdout of their top WR Deion Branch also doesn’t help the offense, but they still have the best field general in the league when it comes to leading his team to the ultimate prize in February, so my money is still on NE.  Hot on their tails will be the Miami Dolphins who finally realized that incompetence at the QB position does not win championships.  For the first time since Dan Marino retired in 2000, the Dolphins have some talent at QB that will help them win games.  Along with Nick Saban’s coaching talent and the always talented defense, Miami is primed to reappear in the playoff race this year.  Battling to bring up the rear of the division will be the Buffalo Bills and the New York Jets — as was the case last year.  Buffalo’s biggest off-season acquisition was none of their own work, but the work of science, as star LB Takeo Spikes comes back from injury to stiffen up their defense.  Their offense is still full of questions, but RB Willis McGahee is showing the speed and burst that he had in Miami before his horrific knee injury in the Orange Bowl.  J P Losman is still a liability at QB, but this is his year to put up or shut up before he finds himself sharing a tent with Ricky Williams in 2007.  The NY Jets have issues on both sides of the ball and after looking closely at their schedule, I only see about 5 games they even have a chance to win.  With their disarray at the QB position and the uncertainty at RB, their offense will be lucky to score 14 pts a game, and they definitely don’t have the defense to stop anyone.  J-E-T-S?  Suck.  Suck.  Suck.

Predicted Records:  New England Patriots  11-5,  Miami Dolphins  10-6,  Buffalo Bills  5-11,  New York Jets  5-11

AFC North – And finally on to the division with our defending Super Bowl champion.  Pittsburgh should still be solid, but the health of both QB Ben Rothlisberger and WR Hines Ward will have a huge effect on their offense.  Their defense should still be solid, but I don’t know if that will be enough to hold off the extremely talented squad from Cincinnati.  With QB Carson Palmer looking healthy and a receiving corps that is loaded from top to bottom – both on and off the field – the Bengals will be a tough team to beat if than can keep themselves out of the big house.  One question for the Bengals though: with such a defensive minded head coach in Marvin Lewis, why hasn’t the defense shown up yet?  Maybe this will be the year.  As far as the rest of the division, count me as one that thinks the Steve McNair pick-up by the Baltimore Ravens was like using a band-aid to fix a severed leg.  I don’t see anyway that even a healthy McNair can lead this offense to a winning record, and healty is a big “if” for Air McNair.  Plus on defense, S Ed Reed is still a monster in the middle, but LB Ray Lewis looks to be a step slower and they just aren’t the powerhouse they were when the won the Super Bowl 5 years ago.  Bringing up the rear of the division this year will bethe Cleveland Browns.  With Charlie Frye at QB – Who?!? – Reuben Droughns at RB, oft-injured Kellen Winslow Jr. at TE and Braylon Edwards at WR, the Browns have some talent on offense, but I just don’t see one stand-out player on that offense that puts any fear into a defense.  LB Willie McGinnist will help on defense, but he’s only one out of eleven, so I wouldn’t count on a big change.

Predicted Records:  Cincinnati Bengals  12-4,  Pittsburgh Steelers  11-5,  Baltimore Ravens  7-9,  Cleveland Browns  6-10

HC