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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at


Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there


Scarlett’s back, Jessica’s back and HC is back October 17, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Madonna, Scarlett Johansson.

So as you may have noticed, I haven’t posted in a couple weeks.  Some of you may call me a slacker, some a lazy jackass.  And to tell the truth, I’m a little of both.  But in my own defense, you really shouldn’t expect any less from a guy who writes a blog about trashy celebrities, occasionally during work hours.  

— My girl Scarlett had a couple revealing articles in the last couple weeks that I couldn’t pass up.  First in Allure she said that  

“Contrary to popular belief, I’m not promiscuous.” 

Popular belief?  I thought the general thought on Scarlett was that she was pretty much the “good girl with fantastic cans” surrounded by Hollywood tramps Paris and Lindsay Lohan.  But maybe I was wrong. 

She goes on to get my hopes up by saying

“I’m not a serial monogamist” and “I do think on some basic level we are animals, and by instinct we kind of breed accordingly.” 

She finishes the article off discussing that she is tested for STDs and HIV twice a year.  Not quite sure why she threw that out there though, unless she’s just trying to look like a responsible adult.  Or maybe she just wants to ease the minds of everyone who’s been dreaming of being Benicio del Toro and having a steamy rendevous with her in the Chateau Marmont elevator.  Whatever it is, I’m happy she cleared that up for all of us.

The latest on Scarlett comes from filmmaker Michael Bay who told Esquire that

“Scarlett said, ‘I’m not wearing this [expletive] bra. I’m going naked.’ I said, ‘Scarlett, you can’t go naked, this film is PG13.'”

Wha, wha, WHAT????  Are you F’ing kidding me?  She WANTED to take her bra off and you denied America this?  Are you some kind of commie?  Maybe Michael Bay should go back to blowing shit up and I’ll handle when beautiful women want to take their clothes off.  Can we all agree on that? 


 — I guess the Simpson girls took some time off from being photographed by their creepy-ass dad to show off their bras and matching noses the last couple of weeks.

Well, Ashlee showed her bra

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And Jessica showed some bra and a little more… 

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Now I know you have all seen these fantastic jugs before, but I can’t ever pass up a chance to see this rack.  Even if her hair is a little f’d up.  And she makes out with her gay hairdresser.  And she misses Nick Lachey’s poser tattoos. 

 — I’m sure you all heard that Madonna is using all of her celebrity status, fake British accent and cone bras to adopt some African kid.  I don’t know if she can speak in clicks already or plans on learning, but what the hell is behind this?  Is she trying to compete with hot dog lips herself, Angelina Jolie?  Give it up Madonna, you’re done.  Adopting poor kids from other countries may sound all glamorous but it really isn’t.  Trust me, I know.  Last time I was at the beach, I adopted a hermit crab and boy was he a son-of-a-bitch.  Sometimes you just can’t please everyone. 

 — Some chick named Amber Tamblyn let her nipple loose a couple days ago.  Honestly, I had no idea who she was, but apparently she’s done great work including starring in Joan of Arcadia and The Grudge 2.  Really though, who cares.  We’ve seen her nipple now, so no need to go to the movies to be teased out of that.


 — And lastly, how can you pass up a video with Bikini Bull Riding?

If you don’t like it, you’re gay…or blind….or dead…


Paris’ arse, Izzy in a Bikini, and the Wonders of Photoshop October 3, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Erika Christensen, Janet Jackson, Katherine Heigl, Paris Hilton, Uncategorized.

 — We are going to start off today with an all too familiar topic: Paris Hilton and her inability to cover up her skanky ass.  Last week, at the anniversary party for Tao in the Venetian in Vegas, Paris, Katherine Heigl (Izzy on Grey’s Anatomy….grrrrr) and one of the least insane Jacksons, Janet (who was having a coinciding CD release party), were all there.  Paris pulled her standard maneuver to steal all of the attention by getting hammered, standing on stage, and pulling her skirt up to show her ass cheeks.  At least she decided to go with pink panties.  We’ve seen enough of her crab trap.  Will it never end with this girl?  Her dad must be so proud.  I mean, who wouldn’t be proud that at 25 your daughter was a world renowned old tramp who had her bits on the internet every week?  So, here’s  everyone at the party and the aforementioned ass cheeks.

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Now we can get to the interesting part.  From the looks of the next pictures, they had some enormous snake at the party to greet people.  WTF you might ask?  Well, I completely agree, but I just can’t figure one thing out.  This would have been the perfect opportunity to take out that trampy Hilton and it was wasted.  Where is Steve Irwin when we need him now?  And screw GI Joe, that snake could have been the “Real American Hero”.  I don’t know why I’m not consulted on these things.  There would definitely be a lot fewer STDs out there.  And a couple other notes, why in the world is the “snake lady” wearing a corset and pasties?  I’m not complaining, but if I’d known that was standard snake handler wear, I’d be going to the zoo a hell of a lot more often.  And another thing, why is Janet Jackson dressed like a hobbit or some kind of extra for Star Wars at her CD release party.  That makes absolutely no sense to me unless she’s auditioning for a new jedi, something like Obi Wan Cleavage.

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— There were some pictures of Katherine Heigl earlier wearing some hideous outfit, so I thought you could use some pics of her in a bikini to even it out.  They aren’t the best quality and are from some foreign magazine that I can’t understand but they aren’t bad.  My favorite picture is the last one because it looks like they are laughing because they are being subtitled.

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— One more note on Vegas.  It looks like our resident philandering octogenarian, Hugh Hefner, is reopening the Playboy Club in Vegas.  The franchise which at one time had 22 locations around the world, last closed its last doors in 1991.  It will be located on the top 3 floors of the Palms casino and will feature Playboy bunnies working as waitresses and dealers.  Sounds like a simply fantastic idea to me.  How did we live without this for fifteen years?

— The powers of photoshop are on full display in the newest issue of Q magazine.  Of the 20 different covers celebrating their 20th anniversary, one is of a pregnant Britney Spears looking very svelte except for her baby bump.  Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I switch to my ding dongs, ho-hos and cheetos diet, I usually find it difficult to keep my rock hard abs and chiseled frame.  But it looks like that works for Britney.  Maybe she has some crazy metabolism where she processes twinkies better than vegetables.  I guess it’s possible.  Actually, look at the pictures; it’s not possible at all.  All we want is the old spandex-wearing, chain smoking, K-Fag-less, Britney.  Is that so much to ask for?

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 — I haven’t watched this new show 6 Degrees on ABC after Grey’s Anatomy, but I’ll tell you one thing, if Erika Christensen and her gi-normous boobies are prominently involved, I need to find time for this show.  Or at least time on my TIVO.  And when did these appear?  The first picture is from a couple years ago and you can see quite a difference.  I just feel like I should be informed about these things.  A phone call maybe, an email notice at least?

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 — And one last thing, I know we are at war and all, but is it necessary for civilians to be carrying around weapons of mass destruction out in the open?  Mariah Carey had her mud cannons on full alert recently so we should all feel a little safer.

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Posh smuggles melons, Natalie slips, and the Sexiest Woman Alive October 2, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Sports, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

 — In what has developed into an ongoing topic here at HC, it looks like Posh Spice and her knockers were out again last week in the produce section.  Now I know that her husband, soccer star David Beckham, just lost his spot on the English national team, but are they that hard up for money that they are in the smuggling business?  And if you were going to smuggle something for a profit, wouldn’t you chose something less obvious and more profitable than 2 enormous melons?  Maybe the melon market is different in other countries than it is here, but I can go to my local grocery store and buy a cantaloupe or honeydew for a couple bucks.  I guess the Brits have a love for melons that rivals their disdain for orthodontics.

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— Although it really has nothing to do with anything recent, some pictures of Natalie Portman’s nipple surfaced from the movie Closer.  I find this interesting because just a couple months ago she discussed how she wouldn’t appear nude in any of her movies.  And since she has already appeared nude (not really nude, but a nip slip counts for something), I think she now falls under the “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” category.  You know what I think is funny about her?  She probably has the smallest boobs in Hollywood that people are actually clamoring to see.

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  — In the latest issue of Esquire magazine, hitting newsstands on October 18th, Scarlett Johansson is voted Sexiest Woman Alive.  What I don’t get is that the magazine describes her in the pictures (shown below) as an “enigmatic trailer-park temptress.”  What does that even mean?  If anyone should be described as trailer-park, it’s my girl Britney Spears and her Walmart-feet.  Anyway, the more I read about Scarlett, the more I don’t know how anyone can not like her.  When asked about all of the attention to her curves and hourglass figure, she says

“What about my brain? What about my heart? What about my kidneys and my gallbladder?”  

Later in the article, she also talks about how in making a sign to carry while photographed by the paparazzi, she wrote “The person taking this picture is harassing me,” but misspelled harass.   Could she be anymore down-to-earth?  And could her jugs be anymore fantastic?  Here are some pictures from the magazine so you don’t have to be a douche and go out and buy it.

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— And lastly, there is a great clip on YouTube of Denis Leary drunk and out of control at a recent Red Sox game.  Now you might be wondering why this is anything new for Denis Leary and I have the explanation.  Leary is hammered during the Red Sox broadcast on the air and discusses such things as Jewish baseball players on the Red Sox, Mel Gibson’s rehab, and the possibility of an all Jewish infield for the Red Sox.  Since today is Yom Kippur, I found this clip especially (in)appropriate.