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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at


Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there


Scarlett’s back, Jessica’s back and HC is back October 17, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Madonna, Scarlett Johansson.

So as you may have noticed, I haven’t posted in a couple weeks.  Some of you may call me a slacker, some a lazy jackass.  And to tell the truth, I’m a little of both.  But in my own defense, you really shouldn’t expect any less from a guy who writes a blog about trashy celebrities, occasionally during work hours.  

— My girl Scarlett had a couple revealing articles in the last couple weeks that I couldn’t pass up.  First in Allure she said that  

“Contrary to popular belief, I’m not promiscuous.” 

Popular belief?  I thought the general thought on Scarlett was that she was pretty much the “good girl with fantastic cans” surrounded by Hollywood tramps Paris and Lindsay Lohan.  But maybe I was wrong. 

She goes on to get my hopes up by saying

“I’m not a serial monogamist” and “I do think on some basic level we are animals, and by instinct we kind of breed accordingly.” 

She finishes the article off discussing that she is tested for STDs and HIV twice a year.  Not quite sure why she threw that out there though, unless she’s just trying to look like a responsible adult.  Or maybe she just wants to ease the minds of everyone who’s been dreaming of being Benicio del Toro and having a steamy rendevous with her in the Chateau Marmont elevator.  Whatever it is, I’m happy she cleared that up for all of us.

The latest on Scarlett comes from filmmaker Michael Bay who told Esquire that

“Scarlett said, ‘I’m not wearing this [expletive] bra. I’m going naked.’ I said, ‘Scarlett, you can’t go naked, this film is PG13.'”

Wha, wha, WHAT????  Are you F’ing kidding me?  She WANTED to take her bra off and you denied America this?  Are you some kind of commie?  Maybe Michael Bay should go back to blowing shit up and I’ll handle when beautiful women want to take their clothes off.  Can we all agree on that? 


 — I guess the Simpson girls took some time off from being photographed by their creepy-ass dad to show off their bras and matching noses the last couple of weeks.

Well, Ashlee showed her bra

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And Jessica showed some bra and a little more… 

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Now I know you have all seen these fantastic jugs before, but I can’t ever pass up a chance to see this rack.  Even if her hair is a little f’d up.  And she makes out with her gay hairdresser.  And she misses Nick Lachey’s poser tattoos. 

 — I’m sure you all heard that Madonna is using all of her celebrity status, fake British accent and cone bras to adopt some African kid.  I don’t know if she can speak in clicks already or plans on learning, but what the hell is behind this?  Is she trying to compete with hot dog lips herself, Angelina Jolie?  Give it up Madonna, you’re done.  Adopting poor kids from other countries may sound all glamorous but it really isn’t.  Trust me, I know.  Last time I was at the beach, I adopted a hermit crab and boy was he a son-of-a-bitch.  Sometimes you just can’t please everyone. 

 — Some chick named Amber Tamblyn let her nipple loose a couple days ago.  Honestly, I had no idea who she was, but apparently she’s done great work including starring in Joan of Arcadia and The Grudge 2.  Really though, who cares.  We’ve seen her nipple now, so no need to go to the movies to be teased out of that.


 — And lastly, how can you pass up a video with Bikini Bull Riding?

If you don’t like it, you’re gay…or blind….or dead…


Paris’ arse, Izzy in a Bikini, and the Wonders of Photoshop October 3, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Erika Christensen, Janet Jackson, Katherine Heigl, Paris Hilton, Uncategorized.

 — We are going to start off today with an all too familiar topic: Paris Hilton and her inability to cover up her skanky ass.  Last week, at the anniversary party for Tao in the Venetian in Vegas, Paris, Katherine Heigl (Izzy on Grey’s Anatomy….grrrrr) and one of the least insane Jacksons, Janet (who was having a coinciding CD release party), were all there.  Paris pulled her standard maneuver to steal all of the attention by getting hammered, standing on stage, and pulling her skirt up to show her ass cheeks.  At least she decided to go with pink panties.  We’ve seen enough of her crab trap.  Will it never end with this girl?  Her dad must be so proud.  I mean, who wouldn’t be proud that at 25 your daughter was a world renowned old tramp who had her bits on the internet every week?  So, here’s  everyone at the party and the aforementioned ass cheeks.

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Now we can get to the interesting part.  From the looks of the next pictures, they had some enormous snake at the party to greet people.  WTF you might ask?  Well, I completely agree, but I just can’t figure one thing out.  This would have been the perfect opportunity to take out that trampy Hilton and it was wasted.  Where is Steve Irwin when we need him now?  And screw GI Joe, that snake could have been the “Real American Hero”.  I don’t know why I’m not consulted on these things.  There would definitely be a lot fewer STDs out there.  And a couple other notes, why in the world is the “snake lady” wearing a corset and pasties?  I’m not complaining, but if I’d known that was standard snake handler wear, I’d be going to the zoo a hell of a lot more often.  And another thing, why is Janet Jackson dressed like a hobbit or some kind of extra for Star Wars at her CD release party.  That makes absolutely no sense to me unless she’s auditioning for a new jedi, something like Obi Wan Cleavage.

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— There were some pictures of Katherine Heigl earlier wearing some hideous outfit, so I thought you could use some pics of her in a bikini to even it out.  They aren’t the best quality and are from some foreign magazine that I can’t understand but they aren’t bad.  My favorite picture is the last one because it looks like they are laughing because they are being subtitled.

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— One more note on Vegas.  It looks like our resident philandering octogenarian, Hugh Hefner, is reopening the Playboy Club in Vegas.  The franchise which at one time had 22 locations around the world, last closed its last doors in 1991.  It will be located on the top 3 floors of the Palms casino and will feature Playboy bunnies working as waitresses and dealers.  Sounds like a simply fantastic idea to me.  How did we live without this for fifteen years?

— The powers of photoshop are on full display in the newest issue of Q magazine.  Of the 20 different covers celebrating their 20th anniversary, one is of a pregnant Britney Spears looking very svelte except for her baby bump.  Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I switch to my ding dongs, ho-hos and cheetos diet, I usually find it difficult to keep my rock hard abs and chiseled frame.  But it looks like that works for Britney.  Maybe she has some crazy metabolism where she processes twinkies better than vegetables.  I guess it’s possible.  Actually, look at the pictures; it’s not possible at all.  All we want is the old spandex-wearing, chain smoking, K-Fag-less, Britney.  Is that so much to ask for?

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 — I haven’t watched this new show 6 Degrees on ABC after Grey’s Anatomy, but I’ll tell you one thing, if Erika Christensen and her gi-normous boobies are prominently involved, I need to find time for this show.  Or at least time on my TIVO.  And when did these appear?  The first picture is from a couple years ago and you can see quite a difference.  I just feel like I should be informed about these things.  A phone call maybe, an email notice at least?

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 — And one last thing, I know we are at war and all, but is it necessary for civilians to be carrying around weapons of mass destruction out in the open?  Mariah Carey had her mud cannons on full alert recently so we should all feel a little safer.

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Posh smuggles melons, Natalie slips, and the Sexiest Woman Alive October 2, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Sports, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

 — In what has developed into an ongoing topic here at HC, it looks like Posh Spice and her knockers were out again last week in the produce section.  Now I know that her husband, soccer star David Beckham, just lost his spot on the English national team, but are they that hard up for money that they are in the smuggling business?  And if you were going to smuggle something for a profit, wouldn’t you chose something less obvious and more profitable than 2 enormous melons?  Maybe the melon market is different in other countries than it is here, but I can go to my local grocery store and buy a cantaloupe or honeydew for a couple bucks.  I guess the Brits have a love for melons that rivals their disdain for orthodontics.

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— Although it really has nothing to do with anything recent, some pictures of Natalie Portman’s nipple surfaced from the movie Closer.  I find this interesting because just a couple months ago she discussed how she wouldn’t appear nude in any of her movies.  And since she has already appeared nude (not really nude, but a nip slip counts for something), I think she now falls under the “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” category.  You know what I think is funny about her?  She probably has the smallest boobs in Hollywood that people are actually clamoring to see.

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  — In the latest issue of Esquire magazine, hitting newsstands on October 18th, Scarlett Johansson is voted Sexiest Woman Alive.  What I don’t get is that the magazine describes her in the pictures (shown below) as an “enigmatic trailer-park temptress.”  What does that even mean?  If anyone should be described as trailer-park, it’s my girl Britney Spears and her Walmart-feet.  Anyway, the more I read about Scarlett, the more I don’t know how anyone can not like her.  When asked about all of the attention to her curves and hourglass figure, she says

“What about my brain? What about my heart? What about my kidneys and my gallbladder?”  

Later in the article, she also talks about how in making a sign to carry while photographed by the paparazzi, she wrote “The person taking this picture is harassing me,” but misspelled harass.   Could she be anymore down-to-earth?  And could her jugs be anymore fantastic?  Here are some pictures from the magazine so you don’t have to be a douche and go out and buy it.

scarlett-johansson-sexiest-01.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-02.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-03.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-04.jpg    

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— And lastly, there is a great clip on YouTube of Denis Leary drunk and out of control at a recent Red Sox game.  Now you might be wondering why this is anything new for Denis Leary and I have the explanation.  Leary is hammered during the Red Sox broadcast on the air and discusses such things as Jewish baseball players on the Red Sox, Mel Gibson’s rehab, and the possibility of an all Jewish infield for the Red Sox.  Since today is Yom Kippur, I found this clip especially (in)appropriate.


New Hotties to spice up your Thursday September 21, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Erica Durance, Kristin Kreuk, Sophie Monk.
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As all of you know who come here on a regular basis, this site caters to those looking for celebrity drivel and the occasional sports story.  With that being said, most stories revolve around the utterly stupid and trashy (e.g. Lindsay Lohan and Paris) or stars that I find extremely attractive (Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Simpson).  So, I’ve decided to change it up a bit and show you guys some new faces (like you’re looking at their faces) to drool over.  That work for everyone?

 — First up is Erica Durance who plays “Lois Lane” on the new network CW’s show, Smallville.  I looked her up on IMDB and she hasn’t done much yet, which I would soley attribute to her being Canadian – that’s a real liability in Hollywood.  Once she gets a couple good roles under her belt, no one will hold that against her anymore.

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 — Next is another attractive lady from Smallville, Kristin Kreuk, even if she looks like she’s wearing a Glad trash bag.  Maybe they can’t afford real clothes working for the CW.  She hasn’t done much either, but was in Eurotrip; however, since she wasn’t her, her or her, I didn’t recognize her. 

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 — And lastly is some girl named Sophie Monk who is dating one of those posers from Good Charlotte.  With all the money that guy has made from looking tough but selling out to 13 year old girls, could he at least dress like a normal adult?  I bet those tattoos are rub-ons and I think I can smell him from here.  Well, at least his girlfriends boob pops out.

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Britney sucks in her gut, Paris in Hell, and Posh’s pokies September 20, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Victoria Beckham.

 — Here are some new pictures of Posh Spice and her pokies out on the town.  Are we sure that’s really her though?  I’m not a scientist, but people’s eyes usually don’t bulge out like that, and their skin doesn’t usually look like wax.  I think someone stole her wax figure out of Madame Tussaud’s and is carrying it around putting different outfits on her.  Some outfits just happen to be more revealing than others.  One thing we can all agree on though is that she has fantastic cans.  Silicone, wax, or whatever, they’re terrific.

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 — Although it pains me to talk about her, I have to mention this.  It looks like Paris Hilton has dropped another notch further into the depths of hell.  In her new video, Nothing in this World, she’s shown gyrating on what looks to be 12 year old boy.  No, not Pink, an actual 12 year old boy.  Anyway, I could care less about what the song is about or what the video is about; all I want to know is how this doesn’t break any child endangerment laws?  Isn’t there something in the Declaration of Independence about not allowing harlots within so many yards of children?  I swear I learned that in 7th grade.

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 — Now the church is giving my girl, Jessica, a hard time too.  A Christian minister from Texas is now criticizing the Simpson sisters for using sex to sell their music.  Here are a couple tidbits from his rant and a couple of my comments:

“They don’t represent American standards and certainly not Christian standards,”

Interesting, I didn’t know molesting small boys and criticizing Muslims was an American or Christian standard.

“Their father has replaced his faith in the Lord with the love of money, which is the root of all evil. He has replaced holiness with horniness.”

This very well may be true, but his daughters are smoking hot and….seriously, I can’t argue with that.  Their dad creeps me the hell out.

“[Jessica and Ashlee] will reap the dismal crops they are sowing. Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither and they will be left with nothing but a hollow shell.”

Really?  “Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither”?  Has he heard of plastic surgery?  Maybe they don’t have it in the small ass town he’s from, but I think the last thing JS would do is let her boobs sag.  She flaunts those bad boys like she’s getting paid for it.  Oh wait, she is – I guess that’s the crazy Texan minister’s point, but I’d do it too if I was blessed with them (actually I’d probably stay home all day and play with them, but that’s the difference between you and me).  And lastly:

“But it looks like they’ve lost a lucrative segment of their record buyers along the way.”

According to my extensive research, 12 year old girls buy 2000% more albums than creepy Christian ministers.  Now this may be off by a small percentage, but much time was put into the calculations.

So what’s the big damn deal?  Maybe he’s just jealous because he can’t have kids who make tons of cash so he could retire.  Or, maybe he does have kids and they are ugly, talentless fools. 

 — So, while Redneck Spears was in the hospital having K-Fed’s spawn, it’s being reported that she also had a tummy tuck.  Now I’m no doctor, but I’ve watched enough infomercials to know that the only way to get rock-hard abs like mine is to do 2000 crunches daily with a brand name product, like the Ab Roller.  Why would Britney take the easy way out??  Because she’s easy.  Do you think K-Fed would disagree?  Maybe she needed to be skinnier to fit into her Corn-Dog costume for Halloween.  No matter how she does it, if she gets back into “Pre-KFag” shape like these pictures, I’m definitely okay with that.

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Scarlett has a fantastic rack…and knows it September 19, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Scarlett Johansson.

In a new article for InStyle, the star of The Black Dahlia – Scarlett Johansson, tells the magazine that just because she is famous, doesn’t mean that the world needs to know everything about her life. 

“I can’t stand those articles where people spill their life story,” Johansson says in the October issue of InStyle magazine, on newsstands Friday. “After a while I feel like I know more about them than their best friend does and that’s weird. It’s better when you don’t know everything.”

She also talks about how she loves her figure and wouldn’t change a thing about it.

“I’m curvy I’m never going to be 5’11’ and 120 pounds. But I feel lucky to have what I’ve got.”

We all feel lucky that you have what you’ve got.  What a breath of fresh air.  Seriously, I’m so sick of these trashy whores mucking up Hollywood.  It’s always: Lindsay Lohan broke her wrist while jacking off a donkey in Tijuana, Paris Hilton got an STD from a panda in China, Britney is pregnant with her ump-teenth trailer trash kid or something else equally tacky.   

Scarlett’s last quote is the best:

“Whose life would I like to step into for the day? The president’s. I could probably get some things done in the Oval Office.”

The president?  If you asked Lindsay Lohan that question I almost guarantee it would be some nightclub owner or a DJ.  And if you asked Paris where the President worked, she couldn’t tell you even if you spotted her the White and the House.  And Scarlett could definitely get something done with a rack like that.  It’s a well known fact that ample amounts of cleavage can solve most disputes including world hunger.

I could write all day about his girl.  She is simply gorgeous, seems to have it all together, would rather spend her time working on her craft instead of partying – which is only unfortunate because her craft isn’t wearing a french maid outfit at the Holden Caulfield mansion and serving me fruity drinks by the pool – and she’s smoking hot.  Did I say that already?  Anyway, I’m babbling and here are the pictures from the magazine and a couple others.

 scarlett-johansson-vogue-uk-03.jpg     scarlett-johansson-vogue-uk-04.jpg     scarlett_johansson11.jpg     scarlett6.jpg


Posh’s boobie, Biel’s kiss, and Aguilera’s hottness September 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Christina Aguilera, Entertainment, Jessica Biel, K-Fed, Lindsay Lohan, Pink, Victoria Beckham.

— Fashion week was last week in NYC, and one of the best things to come out of it was the appearance of Victoria Beckham’s nipple.  Posh Spice usually just flaunts her silicone chest through her shirt with her headlights on (as seen in the first picture with the pink jacket), but it looks like one of the twins snuck out of her black dress last week.  Nipples want to see the fashions too.  The real question I have is, are her nipples as fake as her boobs?  I mean those water balloons are pumped up to maximum capacity and I just wonder if her nipples are actually that hard and pointy or if they’re just those plastic spouts they have on floats to blow them up.  Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit.  And when did she become an emotionless android?  The computer in War Games showed more personality.

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 — In my perusing of the internet lately, I found some interesting pictures.  Usually, the only pictures I ever seem to find of Jessica Biel are of her working out or running with her dogs or working out and running with her dogs.  BORING!  So when I found pictures of her making out with a GIRL, I felt inclined to post them for you guys.  Now maybe she isn’t exactly making out, but that is only because the photographer was a little slow in squeezing off a picture because he was shocked by the sheer beauty of the kiss.  At least that’s what I’m going to think.  Plus with a tongue like that, the possibilities are just endless.

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 — My favorite little giraffe woman is in the news again and is quickly becoming cliche.  I’m going to keep this short and sweet because I know you need your Lindsay Lohan fix that doesn’t involve a beaver.  First of all, she broke her wrist last week –most likely rubbing one out for a Def Leppard roady.  And then, she went to a birthday party for her mom Dina last week that ended when her mom got sloshed (while setting a stellar example) and Lindsay told her to “Go to Hell”.  Now I don’t know about the birthday parties you guys go to, but at the ones I frequent, the mom usually doesn’t get hammered, and if she does we pretend not to notice.  We certainly don’t tell her to go to hell.  We just eat our cake and ice cream, and discretely spike our own cups of punch.  The Lohans are classy though, so I’ve got to be the one doing it wrong.  

 — Proving that opposites attract, I provide Exhibit A: Christina Aguilera, who is smoking hot, and her husband who is probably suppsoted to be guarding a pot of gold.  Look at him trying to kiss her.  He looks like a monkey trying to lick a coconut.  I seriously doubt they do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.  

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 — In what has become a national phenomenon, our WTF section brings you the cover photo to K-Fag’s new album.  What on this cover would actually inspire someone to buy it?  Maybe it’s the clean-cut image he’s portraying by not showing any of his poser tattoos.  No, maybe it’s the cards and the smoking cigarette next to him.  Nope, I’ve got it; it’s either the drink on fire or the sweet script in which ‘Playing with Fire’ is written in.  Yep, definitely the script.  If there’s any justice in this world, the prankster who graffitied Paris’ album will get a hold of this one too.  Although, what would he really do?  Make K-Fed look like a smug, no-talent, piece of shit?  Done and done.


 — And one last note, is Pink hot or just a 12-year old boy?  I’m totally confused.



Firecrotch is hitched? September 14, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan.
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Say it isn’t so. My favorite little giraffe may have gone and gotten hitched to Harry “Pink” Morton.  The always reliable Star reports that Lindsay called her mom and announced “Mom, I’m getting married.”  I’m going to choose not to believe this one.  If it were true, we’d have seen her in a “Mrs. Morton” bikini by now.  And, if I can’t have her, no one can.  She’s too young, and her breasts (and other parts) are too untamed for one man.

Maybe she’ll pull out the potato sack for the honeymoon.

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Bond Girls put the GR in Grrrrrrrrr September 14, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Eva Green, James Bond, Jessica Simpson, Kate Bosworth, Rachel Bilson.

— Where is He-Man when you need him?  With Skeletor running on the loose, you would think he and Battle Cat would be right around the corner.  And no, I’m not talking about that walking bag of bones, Nicole Richie.  I’m talking about the once extremely attractive Kate Bosworth who now looks to be auditioning for a role as a skeleton at my local haunted house.  Except with no costume…or makeup.  Wasn’t she hot at one time?  Actually, I know she was, and I have the proof.  She was hot in Blue Crush when she didn’t look like a walking corpse.  I don’t know who decided that being super-skinny and weighing less than a 10 year old were good things, but this has to stop.  Eat a burger and bring back the HOT Kate Bosworth!  On a side note, if you’d like to see Kate’s nipple on her gaunt figure, check out the pictures.

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 — Well, now that you’ve had a couple days to see the new trailer for Casino Royale (the new James Bond flick), I thought it was time for you to meet the newest Bond girl.  Her name is Eva Green.  She is smoking hot and has a fantastic rack (as seen in Dreamers).  She’s only been in a couple of movies so far but in Casino Royale she’ll play Russian spy Vesper Lynd.  And as a side-note, what happened to the sexually suggestive Bond girl names?  Dr. Holly Goodhead (Moonraker), Xenia Onatopp (Goldeneye), Octopussy (Octopussy), and my personal favorite Pussy Galore (Goldfinger).  I bet if Sean Connery were still Bond, he’d break all the rules of movies these days by calling women sexually suggestive names and sleeping around the entire movie.  Oh how I long for those days.

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 — File this under the “Wait, they’ve been married 14 years?!?” category.  It looks like Bobby and Whitney are calling it quits after 14 years filled with drug addiction, crack whores, and overdoses (and that’s just Whitney).  One good note is that they only spawned one child, a daughter named Bobby Kristina.  I’m sure she’ll grow up to be a pillar of society, a completely socially adjusted adult.  Just like Macaully Culkin…

 — More hotties in the news lately…Bang Showbiz is reporting that Rachel Bilson will be playing Wonder Woman in an upcoming movie.  Now I barely know who Rachel Bilson is, apparently she’s on that barely watched series The O.C., so I had my crack team of sleuths pull up the Mystery Van and see what we could dig up.  Well slap my ass and call me Shirley, she’s pretty darn hot!  So here’s what we dug up: if you want to see what she’ll look like as Wonder Woman, watch this and if you just want to see her girl-next-door hotness, check her out here.

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 — And last but certainly not least, the following pictures contain a Fed-Ex truck, a Range Rover, a pair of ugly boots, a tool wearing a red shirt with a watch the size of a hand grenade and Jessica’s twins.

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