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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.
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Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at

http://holden–caulfield.blogspot.com/

Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there

 HC

Posh’s boobie, Biel’s kiss, and Aguilera’s hottness September 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Christina Aguilera, Entertainment, Jessica Biel, K-Fed, Lindsay Lohan, Pink, Victoria Beckham.
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— Fashion week was last week in NYC, and one of the best things to come out of it was the appearance of Victoria Beckham’s nipple.  Posh Spice usually just flaunts her silicone chest through her shirt with her headlights on (as seen in the first picture with the pink jacket), but it looks like one of the twins snuck out of her black dress last week.  Nipples want to see the fashions too.  The real question I have is, are her nipples as fake as her boobs?  I mean those water balloons are pumped up to maximum capacity and I just wonder if her nipples are actually that hard and pointy or if they’re just those plastic spouts they have on floats to blow them up.  Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit.  And when did she become an emotionless android?  The computer in War Games showed more personality.

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 — In my perusing of the internet lately, I found some interesting pictures.  Usually, the only pictures I ever seem to find of Jessica Biel are of her working out or running with her dogs or working out and running with her dogs.  BORING!  So when I found pictures of her making out with a GIRL, I felt inclined to post them for you guys.  Now maybe she isn’t exactly making out, but that is only because the photographer was a little slow in squeezing off a picture because he was shocked by the sheer beauty of the kiss.  At least that’s what I’m going to think.  Plus with a tongue like that, the possibilities are just endless.

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 — My favorite little giraffe woman is in the news again and is quickly becoming cliche.  I’m going to keep this short and sweet because I know you need your Lindsay Lohan fix that doesn’t involve a beaver.  First of all, she broke her wrist last week –most likely rubbing one out for a Def Leppard roady.  And then, she went to a birthday party for her mom Dina last week that ended when her mom got sloshed (while setting a stellar example) and Lindsay told her to “Go to Hell”.  Now I don’t know about the birthday parties you guys go to, but at the ones I frequent, the mom usually doesn’t get hammered, and if she does we pretend not to notice.  We certainly don’t tell her to go to hell.  We just eat our cake and ice cream, and discretely spike our own cups of punch.  The Lohans are classy though, so I’ve got to be the one doing it wrong.  

 — Proving that opposites attract, I provide Exhibit A: Christina Aguilera, who is smoking hot, and her husband who is probably suppsoted to be guarding a pot of gold.  Look at him trying to kiss her.  He looks like a monkey trying to lick a coconut.  I seriously doubt they do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.  

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 — In what has become a national phenomenon, our WTF section brings you the cover photo to K-Fag’s new album.  What on this cover would actually inspire someone to buy it?  Maybe it’s the clean-cut image he’s portraying by not showing any of his poser tattoos.  No, maybe it’s the cards and the smoking cigarette next to him.  Nope, I’ve got it; it’s either the drink on fire or the sweet script in which ‘Playing with Fire’ is written in.  Yep, definitely the script.  If there’s any justice in this world, the prankster who graffitied Paris’ album will get a hold of this one too.  Although, what would he really do?  Make K-Fed look like a smug, no-talent, piece of shit?  Done and done.

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 — And one last note, is Pink hot or just a 12-year old boy?  I’m totally confused.

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HC

Lindsay’s bald eagle, Suri Cruise is real…kind of, and much more! September 6, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Christina Aguilera, Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan, Suri Cruise.
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I know I’ve been slacking off the last couple of weeks, and I know no one wants to hear my excuses.  Well, I’m back now, so let’s get it started.

 — Lindsay Lohan has been quite busy over the past couple of weeks.  Besides wearing multiple NEW bikinis, she’s most recently been in Venice promoting her new movie Bobby.  As she’s been skipping around the Italian countryside of Venice, she’s done quite a few interesting things.  Here they are in no particular order. 

First off, at the premiere of Bobby last night, she showed up with her boyfriend, the Pink Taco himself, Harry Morton.  More importantly, she showed up with a giant marble on her finger.  Is she engaged?  Who really cares?  What I want to know is how you afford to buy something like that?  I guess being the heir to the famous Pink Taco franchise (currently 2 restaurants in Vegas and Scottsdale) / and having a dad own the Hard Rock franchise makes that much money.  Possible.  I think he makes his mad cash by running an illegal howler-monkey fighting ring under the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas.  That’s just a guess, but I have a gut feeling on this one.

Here are some pictures of the giant bauble and some other jewelry that are so gaudy, they look fake:

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So after her fancy night at the premiere, I guess she and Harry decided to go on a boat ride somewhere around Venice.  This seems logical I mean Venice has canals throughout the entire city.  The unusual part of the trip is that Lindsay brought her beaver with her and that doesn’t necessarily seem like a good idea.  Generally, beavers are indigenous to the Northwestern United States and enjoy building dams and eating wood.  At least thats what I learned from Looney Toons, which I take as a factual depiction of their lives.  Anyway, the boat ride makes perfect sense, but the beaver seems completely out of place.

What do you think? (Pictures by WWTTD)

****UPDATE ***** – Looks like these are fake, here’s the real one.

*****UPDATED AGAIN***** Well, it looks like as we first reported, the pictures are real.  The photographer has come forward and told the real story.  Looks like LL has some people pretty high up the food chain on her panty patrol.

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But seriously, does this really surprise you?  We all knew she had a beaver and would eventually take it with her and let the world see it.  There’s no secret there.

 — In other interesting news, it turns out that Suri Cruise isn’t an alien like had been previously reported on other ridiculous blogs.  She is a real child as the pictures in the newest issue of Vanity Fair prove.  Actually they don’t prove a damn thing.  That could still be a fake kid.  It’s not like she’s moving in the picture or anything.  And who’s to say it’s their kid at all.  I guess I’m really just struggling with the fact that she looks so normal and I don’t see any devil horns or anything.  Maybe she has a tail!  That’s it, she definitely has a tail.

Here are the pictures from Vanity Fair:

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 — Next up, Christina Aguilera and her giant jugs.  I just can’t say enough about those things.  I know I talked about them a couple weeks ago, but they just boggle my mind.  She’s what, 5′-2″ tall, 100 lbs, wearing a size 0 dress with solid Double D’s?  But are they both Double D’s?  In those first pictures it looks like it could be a D and an E for god’s sake.  Is that possible?  I’m no physics professor but I say no.  Yet picture after picture says yes.  Oh well, I’ll just keep staring in amazement. 

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 — And lastly, I’m sure everyone’s heard this story already but Monday morning while filming a documentary on stingrays, the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin was killed.  A pioneer in being a crazy bastard with wild animals, Irwin died after being stabbed in the heart by one of the rays.  He then pulled the barb out and immediately passed out.  The only reason I bring this up is that because of all the ridiculous shit he’s pulled over the years, who would have guessed he would have gone this way?  Eaten by a crocodile?  Check.  Bitten by a Green Mamba?  Check.  Bitten by a Great White?  Check.  Speared by a Stingray?  Huh?  Oh well, I just think that if he had to be speared by anything, it should have been something amazing, like a unicorn or a triceratops but that’s just me.

HC

Who let the fun-bags out? July 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Christina Aguilera, Entertainment.
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In a new trend that is apparently sweeping through Hollywood and hopefully coming to a local supermarket near you, shopping bra-less is the newest fad and way to be seen.  Time and time again this summer, the stars have been out in their sheer shirts with nothing on underneath to hide those fantastic jumblies.  All I know is this is a fashion trend that I can get behind and will support these Hollywood vixens in any way I can.

Classy Christina Aguilera out for a Sunday stroll:

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Carmen Electra with a Coke and a smile:

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And that hottie Samantha “Sam” Micelli (Alyssa Milano) at a ballgame:

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HC