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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.
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Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at

http://holden–caulfield.blogspot.com/

Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there

 HC

Weekend Wrap – Britney + JailFed, Paris, Scarlett, LL and more September 8, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Scarlett Johansson.
2 comments

I decided that since the weekend was upon us and with the return of pro football, that I should post something today so that you guys had something to read over the weekend.  And, because in between sitting by the pool at the Holden Caulfield mansion drinking frozen Cuba Libres (Frozen Rum and Cokes for you novice drinkers out there), checking the scores of my fantasy football teams, and re-looking at the pictures of Lindsay with no underpants, I might not have time to post for a couple days.  Anyway, I digress. 

Here are some stories from the past week that I just couldn’t let slip by:

 — Britney supposedly had her daughter yesterday during a scheduled C-section.  There were 2 conflicting reports.  One from ContactMusic reported that she was going to give birth to her daughter Jailynn (more on that later) yesterday at the UCLA Medical Center in Santa Monica, but the NY Daily Newsis reporting that she was planning to give birth next week on September 14th, coincidentally the same day her other spawn of K-Fed was born, Sean Preston.  So when is Britney going to have her daughter?  Who the hell cares?  More importantly, when is she going to stop popping out kids like a Pez dispenser and get hot again?  I long for the days of Britney in her red latex suit with a hint of cameltoe.  And what the hell is up with the name Jailynn?  I understand that it is supposed to be a combination of her parents’ names (Jamie & Lynn), so how in the hell did she get JAILynn?  I’m confused, is she making the Jail-Fed joke for us now?  I know she made fun of herself on the VMA’s 2 weeks ago, but making your kid’s name a joke?  That’s pretty rough….or brilliant.  Maybe she’s some kind of super-genius sent from the future to trick us all into being white trash and walking barefoot into gas station bathrooms. 

Old Britney (with cameltoe) & Fugly Britney:

 britney.jpg     3awwser.jpg

— The recent weeks haven’t been too kind to that trashy ho Paris Hilton.  First her debut album (using the term “album” extremely loosely) had sales of only 75,000 copies and barely cracked the Billboard Top 100.  Not that this surprised anyone seeing as I’d pay money to see monkeys playing banjos before I’d pay a nickel to that talentless tart.  To make matters worse (and by “worse” I mean hilarious), about 500 copies of her album were tampered with in the UK by an artist named Banksy and replaced with copies that had remixes with titles like: Why am I Famous?, What Have I Done? and What Am I For?.  The kicker was that they replaced the CD sleeve with pictures of her topless.  Now we’ve all seen her topless, but this was a simply fantastic prank on all levels.  The problem is though, with so few copies being bought, the odds are slim that one of those 500 golden CD tickets would actually be found.  But some were, and here are the pictures (I’ll let you guess which is the real one, and by the way, the one with the dog head is terrific):

paris-hilton-cover.jpg     banksy-hilton-01.jpg     banksy-hilton-02.jpg     banksy-hilton-03.jpg     banksy-hilton-04.jpg     banksy-hilton-05.jpg     banksy-hilton-06.jpg     banksy-hilton-07.jpg

And to cap off her stellar week, pictures came out of Paris in handcuffs yesterday.  And no, it wasn’t from some kinky photo-shoot she did to make enough money for blow for the weekend.  She was pulled over for DUI while making a midnight run to In-N-Out Burger.  Now I am quite a fan of In-N-Out Burger myself, but I think if I “hadn’t eaten all day and had a margarita that afternoon” as Paris told Ryan Seacrest yesterday, I probably couldn’t blow .08 for the police.  And isn’t her blowing .08 the joke within itself?  It wouldn’t work nearly as well if it was anyone but Paris.  Here are some of her kinky pics:

1310-ph50.jpg

 — A quick story on Lindsay Lohan because honestly, I’m sick of talking about her.  Unless she’s going to go completely nude in a movie or Playboy, I’m not interested.  I mean, over the last couple of weeks, she’s had a nip slip, a side boob poking out of a potato sack and most recently she went commando in Venice.  So unless she puts it all together for a spread in Hustler, don’t call me.  Oh, who am I kidding, I love that little giraffe woman.  In the latest Lindsay “news”, she was apparently robbed at Heathrow Airport by a 20 year old woman who stole her Hermes bag with approximately $1 million dollars worth of jewelry and her medication.  I’m going to ignore the point that she owns $1 million dollars worth of jewelry seeing as her net worth is only around $7 million and simply question what “medication” she had that is so valuable?  As quoted by her rep and TMZ:

Lindsay’s rep, Leslie Sloane, confirms to TMZ the theft occurred and that Lindsay is extremely upset about the loss of personal belongings. “She is begging for the return of the items,” Sloane says. “She doesn’t care how she gets them back, she just wants her stuff back.”

The Hermès Birkin bag that was stolen also contained Lindsay’s much needed asthma medication.

Much needed asthma medication?  Lets be honest, I understand people can have serious asthma and it can be life threatening if not taken care of, but can’t you by that crap at any drugstore?  She’s F-ing Lindsay Lohan!  Couldn’t she have a whole case sent to her hotel at any time?   There are some things I just don’t understand.

 — Most of you out there know that any chance I get to talk about Scarlett Johansson and her fantastic chest, I will.  So here’s to not letting you down.  This past week, Scarlett had a few too many “champagne cocktails”, was a little tipsy, and broke into her neighbor’s apartment by mistake.  She explains (Starpulse):

“I was coming home, it was very late, mind you, it was like four in the morning. Maybe I’d had like one too many champagne cocktails, or whatever… But I got home, of course I wasn’t driving, and I opened my door and it wasn’t my kitchen! It was somebody else’s kitchen and I left and I realized my key opens up somebody else’s door in my building. It like slides right in and opens it up!

“I slammed the door shut as quickly as I could and I ran to the stairs because I didn’t want them to think, ‘Who the hell was that?’ It was a disaster! Then I thought maybe I should go back and see if they had a can of Coke or something… I just got back from Venice (from the Venice Film Festival), so I don’t have any groceries!”

What?!?!?  I’ve been kneeling next to my bed for the past year praying that this would happen to me and for nothing?  Scarlett Johansson drunk at 4AM in your apartment?  That’s like finding the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and actually getting to meet a leprechaun too.  That’s like the holy grail of medicine, the Front Butt.  I don’t know what to think anymore.  Well, here are some pics of her breasticles from her recent Tonight Show appearance:

 scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-01.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-03.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-04.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-07.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-09.jpg

 — And one last thing.  These pictures of Elizabeth Hurley are just amazing.  She is 41 years old and has a 4 year old son and is still that hot???  How is that genetically possible?  She’s definitely in the Diane Lane and Heather Locklear category for hottest celebrity MILFs around.  Grrr….

 elizabeth_berkley_elle_5_big.jpg     elizabeth_berkley_elle_big.jpg     elizabeth_berkley_elle_7_big.jpg     elizabeth_berkley_elle_2_big.jpg

Have a great weekend kids.

HC