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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at


Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there


Paris’ arse, Izzy in a Bikini, and the Wonders of Photoshop October 3, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Erika Christensen, Janet Jackson, Katherine Heigl, Paris Hilton, Uncategorized.

 — We are going to start off today with an all too familiar topic: Paris Hilton and her inability to cover up her skanky ass.  Last week, at the anniversary party for Tao in the Venetian in Vegas, Paris, Katherine Heigl (Izzy on Grey’s Anatomy….grrrrr) and one of the least insane Jacksons, Janet (who was having a coinciding CD release party), were all there.  Paris pulled her standard maneuver to steal all of the attention by getting hammered, standing on stage, and pulling her skirt up to show her ass cheeks.  At least she decided to go with pink panties.  We’ve seen enough of her crab trap.  Will it never end with this girl?  Her dad must be so proud.  I mean, who wouldn’t be proud that at 25 your daughter was a world renowned old tramp who had her bits on the internet every week?  So, here’s  everyone at the party and the aforementioned ass cheeks.

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Now we can get to the interesting part.  From the looks of the next pictures, they had some enormous snake at the party to greet people.  WTF you might ask?  Well, I completely agree, but I just can’t figure one thing out.  This would have been the perfect opportunity to take out that trampy Hilton and it was wasted.  Where is Steve Irwin when we need him now?  And screw GI Joe, that snake could have been the “Real American Hero”.  I don’t know why I’m not consulted on these things.  There would definitely be a lot fewer STDs out there.  And a couple other notes, why in the world is the “snake lady” wearing a corset and pasties?  I’m not complaining, but if I’d known that was standard snake handler wear, I’d be going to the zoo a hell of a lot more often.  And another thing, why is Janet Jackson dressed like a hobbit or some kind of extra for Star Wars at her CD release party.  That makes absolutely no sense to me unless she’s auditioning for a new jedi, something like Obi Wan Cleavage.

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— There were some pictures of Katherine Heigl earlier wearing some hideous outfit, so I thought you could use some pics of her in a bikini to even it out.  They aren’t the best quality and are from some foreign magazine that I can’t understand but they aren’t bad.  My favorite picture is the last one because it looks like they are laughing because they are being subtitled.

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— One more note on Vegas.  It looks like our resident philandering octogenarian, Hugh Hefner, is reopening the Playboy Club in Vegas.  The franchise which at one time had 22 locations around the world, last closed its last doors in 1991.  It will be located on the top 3 floors of the Palms casino and will feature Playboy bunnies working as waitresses and dealers.  Sounds like a simply fantastic idea to me.  How did we live without this for fifteen years?

— The powers of photoshop are on full display in the newest issue of Q magazine.  Of the 20 different covers celebrating their 20th anniversary, one is of a pregnant Britney Spears looking very svelte except for her baby bump.  Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I switch to my ding dongs, ho-hos and cheetos diet, I usually find it difficult to keep my rock hard abs and chiseled frame.  But it looks like that works for Britney.  Maybe she has some crazy metabolism where she processes twinkies better than vegetables.  I guess it’s possible.  Actually, look at the pictures; it’s not possible at all.  All we want is the old spandex-wearing, chain smoking, K-Fag-less, Britney.  Is that so much to ask for?

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 — I haven’t watched this new show 6 Degrees on ABC after Grey’s Anatomy, but I’ll tell you one thing, if Erika Christensen and her gi-normous boobies are prominently involved, I need to find time for this show.  Or at least time on my TIVO.  And when did these appear?  The first picture is from a couple years ago and you can see quite a difference.  I just feel like I should be informed about these things.  A phone call maybe, an email notice at least?

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 — And one last thing, I know we are at war and all, but is it necessary for civilians to be carrying around weapons of mass destruction out in the open?  Mariah Carey had her mud cannons on full alert recently so we should all feel a little safer.

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