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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at


Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there


Bond Girls put the GR in Grrrrrrrrr September 14, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Eva Green, James Bond, Jessica Simpson, Kate Bosworth, Rachel Bilson.

— Where is He-Man when you need him?  With Skeletor running on the loose, you would think he and Battle Cat would be right around the corner.  And no, I’m not talking about that walking bag of bones, Nicole Richie.  I’m talking about the once extremely attractive Kate Bosworth who now looks to be auditioning for a role as a skeleton at my local haunted house.  Except with no costume…or makeup.  Wasn’t she hot at one time?  Actually, I know she was, and I have the proof.  She was hot in Blue Crush when she didn’t look like a walking corpse.  I don’t know who decided that being super-skinny and weighing less than a 10 year old were good things, but this has to stop.  Eat a burger and bring back the HOT Kate Bosworth!  On a side note, if you’d like to see Kate’s nipple on her gaunt figure, check out the pictures.

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 — Well, now that you’ve had a couple days to see the new trailer for Casino Royale (the new James Bond flick), I thought it was time for you to meet the newest Bond girl.  Her name is Eva Green.  She is smoking hot and has a fantastic rack (as seen in Dreamers).  She’s only been in a couple of movies so far but in Casino Royale she’ll play Russian spy Vesper Lynd.  And as a side-note, what happened to the sexually suggestive Bond girl names?  Dr. Holly Goodhead (Moonraker), Xenia Onatopp (Goldeneye), Octopussy (Octopussy), and my personal favorite Pussy Galore (Goldfinger).  I bet if Sean Connery were still Bond, he’d break all the rules of movies these days by calling women sexually suggestive names and sleeping around the entire movie.  Oh how I long for those days.

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 — File this under the “Wait, they’ve been married 14 years?!?” category.  It looks like Bobby and Whitney are calling it quits after 14 years filled with drug addiction, crack whores, and overdoses (and that’s just Whitney).  One good note is that they only spawned one child, a daughter named Bobby Kristina.  I’m sure she’ll grow up to be a pillar of society, a completely socially adjusted adult.  Just like Macaully Culkin…

 — More hotties in the news lately…Bang Showbiz is reporting that Rachel Bilson will be playing Wonder Woman in an upcoming movie.  Now I barely know who Rachel Bilson is, apparently she’s on that barely watched series The O.C., so I had my crack team of sleuths pull up the Mystery Van and see what we could dig up.  Well slap my ass and call me Shirley, she’s pretty darn hot!  So here’s what we dug up: if you want to see what she’ll look like as Wonder Woman, watch this and if you just want to see her girl-next-door hotness, check her out here.

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 — And last but certainly not least, the following pictures contain a Fed-Ex truck, a Range Rover, a pair of ugly boots, a tool wearing a red shirt with a watch the size of a hand grenade and Jessica’s twins.

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LL is pantyless..again ,Britney reproduces…again, Paris punked…again, Claire Danes in Paris…again, and more…again September 13, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Carmen Electra, Claire Danes, Entertainment, James Bond, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Uncategorized.

 — The panty-less baby giraffe is at it again.  I don’t know what this girl’s deal is; maybe she thinks that if she ‘forgets’ her panties enough times she’ll bump her arch-rival, Paris, from the headlines.  Whatever she thinks, it’s working, because unless she starts dropping trow on a daily basis and I get tired of staring at her wrinkled bits, she’ll headline this site.


— It looks like our favorite corn-dog eating champion has once again reproduced.  The story came out last week that she was having Jailynn (her aptly named son – and by the way, when did Jailynn become a name, much less a GUY’S name?  I know, I know, it’s her parent’s names combined, I’m just so confused by the insanity), but now it is reported that she gave birth to a 6 pound, 12 ounce ball of redneck at 2AM this morning.  KFed apparently had to lay off the bong for a couple hours and drive her to the hospital for her C-section.  I can only imagine how this scene played out at the Spears – Federline household:

Britney (screaming through a mouthful of ding-dongs) – “Kevin, I think my water broke, but on the good side, I think my feet are finally clean.”

KFed (in a smokey haze) – “Damn biatch, what have I done told you about interupting my ‘private’ time?”

Britney – “Please…pretty please will you take me?  I don’t want to have to take the bus to the hospital again!  And can we get an extra bag of Cheetos for the road?”

And so is the life of Cletus and his beautiful bride Brandine.  Here’s a pic of Brandine and a rendering of offspring #2.

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 — Well Paris has been spunked…I mean punked again.  Richard Branson, the uber-billionaire founder of Virgin records recently threw a Mad Hatter bash for his son’s birthday.  Enter Paris Hilton, the slut of all sluts, an unbelievably classless woman with no discernable talents who decided to turn this party into her very own by coming dressed as Alice.  Re-enter Branson who, once he got wind of this, had all of the 60 cocktail waitresses dress as Alice so she would blend in as the waitstaff.  To top it off, he “accidentally” thought she was a waitress and attempted to order a drink and walked off.  Screw Ashton Kutcher, hire Branson to host the next year of Punk’d.  That story was simply fantastic, needs no comments from me, and actually put a hop in my step.

 — What in the world have you been up to Claire Danes?  I can’t remember the last movie I saw her in besides Terminator 3, and I’m slightly embarrassed to say that I saw that movie (but damn, have you seen Arnold’s ass lately?  Mmmmm).  Anyway, just like I had a Kate Hudson story just for the hell of it yesterday, I’m doing the same with Claire.  And just like Kate, she’s not wearing a bra.  But unlike Kate, she’s wearing a white blouse that tends to be a little see-through when photographed in front of the Eiffel Tower.  Damn Frenchies and their trick photography! 

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 — In what is becoming a daily edition of WTF were they thinking, we have our newest entry, Carmen Electra.  I guess these are pictures from a fashion show, but for all I know, they could be pictures from her Vegas wedding to some freak like Marilyn Manson.  Or since they are remaking every movie that made at least $10, maybe this is an audition for Young Frankenstein.  I bet Gene Wilder is rolling over in his grave.  Oh…he’s not dead.

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 — And finally, the clip is out for the new James Bond Trailer.  It looks good except I can’t get over the guy that plays Bond.  He looks so full of himself, like some sort of blonde version of Steven Seagal.  I can’t decide if it looks good or not, so you can take a gander and decide for yourself.