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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at


Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there


Scarlett’s back, Jessica’s back and HC is back October 17, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Madonna, Scarlett Johansson.

So as you may have noticed, I haven’t posted in a couple weeks.  Some of you may call me a slacker, some a lazy jackass.  And to tell the truth, I’m a little of both.  But in my own defense, you really shouldn’t expect any less from a guy who writes a blog about trashy celebrities, occasionally during work hours.  

— My girl Scarlett had a couple revealing articles in the last couple weeks that I couldn’t pass up.  First in Allure she said that  

“Contrary to popular belief, I’m not promiscuous.” 

Popular belief?  I thought the general thought on Scarlett was that she was pretty much the “good girl with fantastic cans” surrounded by Hollywood tramps Paris and Lindsay Lohan.  But maybe I was wrong. 

She goes on to get my hopes up by saying

“I’m not a serial monogamist” and “I do think on some basic level we are animals, and by instinct we kind of breed accordingly.” 

She finishes the article off discussing that she is tested for STDs and HIV twice a year.  Not quite sure why she threw that out there though, unless she’s just trying to look like a responsible adult.  Or maybe she just wants to ease the minds of everyone who’s been dreaming of being Benicio del Toro and having a steamy rendevous with her in the Chateau Marmont elevator.  Whatever it is, I’m happy she cleared that up for all of us.

The latest on Scarlett comes from filmmaker Michael Bay who told Esquire that

“Scarlett said, ‘I’m not wearing this [expletive] bra. I’m going naked.’ I said, ‘Scarlett, you can’t go naked, this film is PG13.'”

Wha, wha, WHAT????  Are you F’ing kidding me?  She WANTED to take her bra off and you denied America this?  Are you some kind of commie?  Maybe Michael Bay should go back to blowing shit up and I’ll handle when beautiful women want to take their clothes off.  Can we all agree on that? 


 — I guess the Simpson girls took some time off from being photographed by their creepy-ass dad to show off their bras and matching noses the last couple of weeks.

Well, Ashlee showed her bra

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And Jessica showed some bra and a little more… 

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Now I know you have all seen these fantastic jugs before, but I can’t ever pass up a chance to see this rack.  Even if her hair is a little f’d up.  And she makes out with her gay hairdresser.  And she misses Nick Lachey’s poser tattoos. 

 — I’m sure you all heard that Madonna is using all of her celebrity status, fake British accent and cone bras to adopt some African kid.  I don’t know if she can speak in clicks already or plans on learning, but what the hell is behind this?  Is she trying to compete with hot dog lips herself, Angelina Jolie?  Give it up Madonna, you’re done.  Adopting poor kids from other countries may sound all glamorous but it really isn’t.  Trust me, I know.  Last time I was at the beach, I adopted a hermit crab and boy was he a son-of-a-bitch.  Sometimes you just can’t please everyone. 

 — Some chick named Amber Tamblyn let her nipple loose a couple days ago.  Honestly, I had no idea who she was, but apparently she’s done great work including starring in Joan of Arcadia and The Grudge 2.  Really though, who cares.  We’ve seen her nipple now, so no need to go to the movies to be teased out of that.


 — And lastly, how can you pass up a video with Bikini Bull Riding?

If you don’t like it, you’re gay…or blind….or dead…


Britney sucks in her gut, Paris in Hell, and Posh’s pokies September 20, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Victoria Beckham.

 — Here are some new pictures of Posh Spice and her pokies out on the town.  Are we sure that’s really her though?  I’m not a scientist, but people’s eyes usually don’t bulge out like that, and their skin doesn’t usually look like wax.  I think someone stole her wax figure out of Madame Tussaud’s and is carrying it around putting different outfits on her.  Some outfits just happen to be more revealing than others.  One thing we can all agree on though is that she has fantastic cans.  Silicone, wax, or whatever, they’re terrific.

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 — Although it pains me to talk about her, I have to mention this.  It looks like Paris Hilton has dropped another notch further into the depths of hell.  In her new video, Nothing in this World, she’s shown gyrating on what looks to be 12 year old boy.  No, not Pink, an actual 12 year old boy.  Anyway, I could care less about what the song is about or what the video is about; all I want to know is how this doesn’t break any child endangerment laws?  Isn’t there something in the Declaration of Independence about not allowing harlots within so many yards of children?  I swear I learned that in 7th grade.

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 — Now the church is giving my girl, Jessica, a hard time too.  A Christian minister from Texas is now criticizing the Simpson sisters for using sex to sell their music.  Here are a couple tidbits from his rant and a couple of my comments:

“They don’t represent American standards and certainly not Christian standards,”

Interesting, I didn’t know molesting small boys and criticizing Muslims was an American or Christian standard.

“Their father has replaced his faith in the Lord with the love of money, which is the root of all evil. He has replaced holiness with horniness.”

This very well may be true, but his daughters are smoking hot and….seriously, I can’t argue with that.  Their dad creeps me the hell out.

“[Jessica and Ashlee] will reap the dismal crops they are sowing. Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither and they will be left with nothing but a hollow shell.”

Really?  “Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither”?  Has he heard of plastic surgery?  Maybe they don’t have it in the small ass town he’s from, but I think the last thing JS would do is let her boobs sag.  She flaunts those bad boys like she’s getting paid for it.  Oh wait, she is – I guess that’s the crazy Texan minister’s point, but I’d do it too if I was blessed with them (actually I’d probably stay home all day and play with them, but that’s the difference between you and me).  And lastly:

“But it looks like they’ve lost a lucrative segment of their record buyers along the way.”

According to my extensive research, 12 year old girls buy 2000% more albums than creepy Christian ministers.  Now this may be off by a small percentage, but much time was put into the calculations.

So what’s the big damn deal?  Maybe he’s just jealous because he can’t have kids who make tons of cash so he could retire.  Or, maybe he does have kids and they are ugly, talentless fools. 

 — So, while Redneck Spears was in the hospital having K-Fed’s spawn, it’s being reported that she also had a tummy tuck.  Now I’m no doctor, but I’ve watched enough infomercials to know that the only way to get rock-hard abs like mine is to do 2000 crunches daily with a brand name product, like the Ab Roller.  Why would Britney take the easy way out??  Because she’s easy.  Do you think K-Fed would disagree?  Maybe she needed to be skinnier to fit into her Corn-Dog costume for Halloween.  No matter how she does it, if she gets back into “Pre-KFag” shape like these pictures, I’m definitely okay with that.

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Bond Girls put the GR in Grrrrrrrrr September 14, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Eva Green, James Bond, Jessica Simpson, Kate Bosworth, Rachel Bilson.

— Where is He-Man when you need him?  With Skeletor running on the loose, you would think he and Battle Cat would be right around the corner.  And no, I’m not talking about that walking bag of bones, Nicole Richie.  I’m talking about the once extremely attractive Kate Bosworth who now looks to be auditioning for a role as a skeleton at my local haunted house.  Except with no costume…or makeup.  Wasn’t she hot at one time?  Actually, I know she was, and I have the proof.  She was hot in Blue Crush when she didn’t look like a walking corpse.  I don’t know who decided that being super-skinny and weighing less than a 10 year old were good things, but this has to stop.  Eat a burger and bring back the HOT Kate Bosworth!  On a side note, if you’d like to see Kate’s nipple on her gaunt figure, check out the pictures.

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 — Well, now that you’ve had a couple days to see the new trailer for Casino Royale (the new James Bond flick), I thought it was time for you to meet the newest Bond girl.  Her name is Eva Green.  She is smoking hot and has a fantastic rack (as seen in Dreamers).  She’s only been in a couple of movies so far but in Casino Royale she’ll play Russian spy Vesper Lynd.  And as a side-note, what happened to the sexually suggestive Bond girl names?  Dr. Holly Goodhead (Moonraker), Xenia Onatopp (Goldeneye), Octopussy (Octopussy), and my personal favorite Pussy Galore (Goldfinger).  I bet if Sean Connery were still Bond, he’d break all the rules of movies these days by calling women sexually suggestive names and sleeping around the entire movie.  Oh how I long for those days.

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 — File this under the “Wait, they’ve been married 14 years?!?” category.  It looks like Bobby and Whitney are calling it quits after 14 years filled with drug addiction, crack whores, and overdoses (and that’s just Whitney).  One good note is that they only spawned one child, a daughter named Bobby Kristina.  I’m sure she’ll grow up to be a pillar of society, a completely socially adjusted adult.  Just like Macaully Culkin…

 — More hotties in the news lately…Bang Showbiz is reporting that Rachel Bilson will be playing Wonder Woman in an upcoming movie.  Now I barely know who Rachel Bilson is, apparently she’s on that barely watched series The O.C., so I had my crack team of sleuths pull up the Mystery Van and see what we could dig up.  Well slap my ass and call me Shirley, she’s pretty darn hot!  So here’s what we dug up: if you want to see what she’ll look like as Wonder Woman, watch this and if you just want to see her girl-next-door hotness, check her out here.

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 — And last but certainly not least, the following pictures contain a Fed-Ex truck, a Range Rover, a pair of ugly boots, a tool wearing a red shirt with a watch the size of a hand grenade and Jessica’s twins.

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Natalie Portman is on high beam alert! August 14, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Natalie Portman.
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 — As I’ve discussed multiple times this summer like here and here, this bra-less trend that has been sweeping the nation is quite fantastic.  I don’t know if this started like one of those stupid Bill Gates is going to pay us all a million dollars if I respond emails or if it was created by ‘Man Law’ and Miller Lite and I just missed the memo.  Either way, I don’t care, I just simply love it. 

The newest member of the bra-less society is sweet, innocent Natalie Portman.  I guess a degree from Harvard doesn’t teach you to put your underwear on…

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 — This is actually from last week, but it was just too funny to pass up.  Last week in a British Tabloid, the headline ran, “Val Kilmer Goes from Batman to Fatman” as some pictures surfaced of Val on the beach looking like a beached whale.  I’m not saying that I have the most svelte figure (think Fat Elvis), but I also don’t get paid millions of dollars to make shitty movies.  Maybe if you had a job at the Pawtucket Brewery, then you’d have a solid reason for that beer gut.  At least the cowboy hat takes away from his pasty white ass….


 — In new Jessica Simpson news, she’s still wearing tight pants and bust-enhancing tops, but she brought something new to the party this weekend, her moose knuckle.  I don’t know if she was out on the town, at a concert, or performing herself, but that is a serious moose knuckle on display.  And for all you female readers out there (thats quite an assumption I just made there, first that their are readers and second that any females would actually read this junk) how do you let your pants ride that far up your ass?  Can you not feel that?  For a girl with such a kick-ass body, she wears some serious garbage out on a daily basis.

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Jessica tired of creepy dad and Scarlett on Baywatch?? August 9, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Scarlett Johansson.
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I am utterly exhausted from talking about media whores like Paris and Lindsay Lohan, so I’m going to try to avoid them for an entire week.  I don’t know if it’s possible because they are the easiest targets around these days, but I’m going to make a solid effort.  You guys with me?

 — Jessica Simpson’s dad is creepy even to me, a guy who posts paparazzi pics of nip slips and see-thru dresses.  A perennial father of the year candidate, Joe Simpson gave GQ the classic quotes of “She’s got doubleD’s!” and “You can’t cover those suckers up!” referring to his well endowed blonde daughter.  Yeah it’s normal to talk about your daughter’s breasticles like you have a fistful of dollars and are seated in front of a pole listening to Kid Rock.  US Weekly has quoted a “source” as saying the daughters are finally fed up with it:  “It creeps everyone out.  And he thinks he knows what he’s doing, and that he’s doing what’s best for his kids.”  I understand he’s done a good job making his 2 marginally talented daughters successful, but he’s about as qualified to be their manager as I am to train astronauts to fix the space station.  Actually I might be more qualified because I submitted an application to Space Camp 20 years ago. 


 — Unfortunately Scarlett’s not going to be in a remake of Baywatch anytime soon.  Well at least not that I know of and I’m a charter member of the Baywatch fan and have David Hasselhoff on speed dial.  Well, she may not be in a Baywatch movie, but she’s definitely in a Baywatch swimsuit in her latest movie Scoop.  All I know about this movie are these things: it is a Woody Allen movie, it has Scarlett Johansson, and it has Scarlett Johansson’s boobies.  The movie apparently has received decent reviews, and here is a clip of the movie, some pictures of Scarlett and her aforementioned boobies.  Enjoy.

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 — And lastly, I don’t know who out there doesn’t watch The Office, but here is another reason to watch (And by the way, if you don’t watch you are a DAMN fool and I’m personally sending Dwight and his bobble head to beat your ass).  Anyway, I have no idea where this picture is from or what it is for, but I’m not complaining.  For your viewing pleasure, Pam (Jenna Fisher for you non-Office watching fools).



Employee of the Month Promo August 9, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Dane Cook, Entertainment, Jessica Simpson.
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Well, I just saw the preview to the new movie, Employee of the Month.  I don’t know if it’s been out for a while and I was the last jackass on earth that hadn’t seen it or if it just came out 5 minutes ago.  All I know is that I think Dane Cook is one funny bastard and Jessica Simpson has fantastic cans, I mean ears.




Oh Glorious day! August 2, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Jessica Simpson.

 — Yesterday may not have been a special day for most of us.  Maybe you went to work and slacked off all day and wrote a blog.  Maybe you sat in a smokey bar all day wondering what it would be like to ride in a barrell over Niagra Falls.  However, if you had been at the Ivy last night in LA, you would have thought yesterday was a very special day.  You see, Jessica Simpson was at the Ivy last night dining on delicious foods from around the world and drinking her fill of fantastic champagne and wine.  After having a fantastic evening with her friends, she walked right out of the restaurant, through all of the paparazzi and got in her shiny, black Range Rover and drove off.  Now that may not seem like the fantastic day that I had mentioned earlier, but I may have left a little detail out.  See, she wore a nice blue dress with a tan belt and a white purse, but she was missing a relatively important part of clothing that she is ALWAYS wearing.  Some of you may call it a bra while others call it an “over the shoulder boulder holder”.  Anyway, the result was the first pictures of Jessica in a see through dress WITHOUT a bra.  Fantastic day indeed.

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 — And on another less breast-related note, the guys from ‘South Park’ are up to their crazy ways again.  In an ad running in Hollywood trade magazines, ‘South Park’ is congratulated on their Primetime Emmy nomination for Outstanding Animated Program and makes some references to Jews and Hollywood.  Has that been in the news lately?  I only remember the “sugar tits” comment.  Anyway, this is a pretty bold move by the ‘South Park’ guys.  If the Scientologists can make a baby disappear, then they surely could have a cartoon cancelled on Comedy Central.  Let’s hope not though, there definitely aren’t enough cartoons with foul-mouthed 8 year olds.



Celebrities today are CRAZY! July 25, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid.
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— Janet Jackson appparently had part of her brain removed along with the 95 extra pounds she was carrying before going from a certifiable tub o’ lard to a rock-hard pop star.  Acting in typical Wacko-Jacko form, Janet did an interview on British Radio where she said she’s not quite sure if she’s getting married on September 26th as it had been reported.

Brit DJ : “You guys are getting married …”

Janet :“That’s what he said. He, um … that’s … everyone’s been asking me about this. He said something about September 26th we were getting married.”

Brit DJ : “What are you saying?”

Janet : “That’s the date the album comes out! September 26th.”

Brit DJ : “Are you engaged?”

Janet :“That’s what he said! So if … I don’t know. You know … everyone’s been asking me about it. And if it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen … (long pause) … Why is everyone just staring at me? It’s really quiet in here. It’s too quiet in here.”

Maybe she’s playing dumb so the paparazzi won’t crash her wedding.  If that’s the case, someone should give her an Oscar, but otherwise did anyone understand that incoherant rambling?  What do you think is going through that head of hers?  If I had to choose between “What can be done to stop all of this fighting in the Middle East” or “Big Bird sure has a lot of feathers”, I’m going with the latter.

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–Natalie Portman went on a hair dy infused rampage the other day.  In Buenos Aires this week, the newly blonde Portman channeled her inner-Ron Artest and charged into the stands of a soccer match to beat up a small child.  Not really, she just pushed away a cameraman who was too close to her, but it would be a lot cooler if she did.  I think I’d find it hard not to laugh when being attacked by someone who is small enough to put in my pocket.  Natalie is too cute to attack paparazzi, but everyone has their limit.  She might go wild now and accidentally use profanity or shoot someone the bird.  I hope not though because I need to keep pretending she’s going to get naked in a movie and naked crazies aren’t nearly as attractive as hot naked girls from Harvard.  For proof, see Tara Reid below.

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— Lindsay Lohan recently attended Jeremy Piven’s birthday party dressed like an extra from Boogie Nights.  First she was seen on the beach last month dressed as a giraffe and now she comes as a 70’s style porn star – a role she was born to play.  I don’t know if she thinks Piven is actually Ari Gold (his fantastic character on Entourage) and was attempting to audition for a midget porn flick or simply ran out of clothes in her closet, but she looks like a lock to play Rollergirl in the remake. 

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— Tara Reid apparently is supplementing her income by teaching swim lessons these days.  The problem is her mangled floatation devices popped out again and probably scarred this kid for life.  I guess seeing a breast at age 4 really isn’t his biggest problem; it’s that his parents let a drunk, chain-smoking harlot teach his swim lessons.  Maybe next they could let him join the circus and walk the tightrope with Stevie Wonder as his coach.

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— And one last thing, isn’t technology amazing (Click the picture of JS)?




Britney has a gooey center July 21, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Jessica Simpson.
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Making fun of Britney Spears these days is like shooting fish in a barrel —  really fat, slobbery fish wearing clown make-up in a barrel of Cheetos — but like breathing and slacking off at work, everyone’s got to do it.  And now besides having hot dog eating contests with herself, Britney seems to be losing her mind.  Posted on her website britneyspears.com this past week, Britney posted a poem by William Blake entitled Tigers.

“Tiger!  Tiger!  burning bright, In the forests of the night, What immortal hand or eye, Could frame thy fearful symmetry?”  She then goes on to post  “In some ways, people are a lot like animals.  We all hunger for the same things.  Like twinkies and white, wanna-be rappers?  Love, lust, danger, warmth and adventure.  Like people, animals all have their own rhythm to life.  I’m mesmerized by tigers.  Their eyes, their stripes, their constant quest for survival .  They almost have a sense of mysteriousness about them.  They pull you in and make it difficult to look away.  Damn right if a tiger pulled me in it’s cage I wouldn’t look away!  Well at least not until Superman or Jeebus came to save me.  They make you wonder what is behind their gaze.  A sense of eerie awe comes over you in their presence.  The fear they give you when you pass them is stunning.  Behold the beauty of the tiger.”  I walked past Britney recently and her gaze instilled the same fear and “eerie awe” in me.  Maybe it had something to do with the pot pie I was holding.

Five years ago Britney was a cute, chaste pop starlet dating the cutest boy from the Mickey Mouse club.  Now she’s obviously indulging in Quaaludes before posting on her website.  Maybe she was watching Napoleon Dynamite that day and meant to say “Liger”.  That would make way more sense than this inane piece of crap.  She hadn’t posted on her website in almost 2 months and then puts up this garbage?  If I had to guess, I bet K-Fed was hitting the bong, turned on the computer to go to his favorite midget porn website and her website came up.  After giggling to himself for 20 minutes, he probably wrote this gem and passed out.  Obviously Britney never goes to her site because the pictures haven’t been updated in years.  The pictures are of when she was hot, which has to have been several years ago, because now she looks like the bride of the Marshmallow Man.

And there’s more on the chunky, former pop-star.  The National Enquirer has issued an apology to the Spears’ family over printing a story claiming her marriage to the talentless K-Fed was over.  She didn’t ask for any money, just that a retraction was printed.  The Enquirer said:

“We now accept that their marriage is not over and they are not getting divorced. These allegations are untrue and we now accept Britney’s position that the statements are without foundation. We apologize for any distress caused.”

Really, no money?  That surprises me because all of their midnight trips to Krispy Kreme and In-N-Out burger can’t be cheap.  But I guess since she saves money by doing her own make-up and uses a piece of rope for a belt these days, she’s become fiscally responsible in other ways.  I’m glad these two are staying together though because K-Fed continues to make me look like Husband of the Year.

Pictures of Britney make me gag these days, so here’s your weekly dose of JS:

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