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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at


Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there


Scarlett loves her dairy products … August 4, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Mel Gibson, Scarlett Johansson.

 — Hottie Scarlett Johansson was seen doing something quite odd while shopping in NYC a couple days ago.  She was seen walking with her boyfriend Josh-something or other while, get this, eating ice cream on the street and carrying around milk jugs!  Now eating ice cream these days isn’t unusual at all since the average temperature across the country is just a few notches below hell, but who wants to carry around giant milk jugs in this heat?  I agree that you need to stay hydrated, but is milk really the best solution to that problem?  I don’t know what her deal is, but she seems to be carrying those jugs everywhere she goes these days, from the beach to the movie set and now to the streets of New York.  Weird.  Anyway, if she is going to keep carrying those things around everywhere she goes then we need to get her some more bikinis for God’s sake.  No more silly fish dresses for me.

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— In more Mel-gate news, Rob Schneider has released his own response to Mel’s anti-Semitic tirade.  He has written an open letter to Hollywood about Gibson’s recent arrest and remarks.  Now, I know Rob is trying to be funny, but I don’t think there is anyone on this planet that cares what he has to say, funny or not.  And I’m actually using the word “trying” loosely because that letter isn’t funny at all.  I think he might have more luck getting “Deuce Bigalo: Intergalactic Jack-ass” released in theaters than making someone laugh these days.


— In what has become an inexplicable cult phenomenon, SOAP now has merchandise out.  Don’t know what SOAP is?  SOAP is Snakes on a Plane, the horrible movie coming out in 2 weeks starring Samuel L. Jackson.  How this thing got green-lighted, I’ll never know.  Are the producers blind and dumb?  I guess they figure Samuel Jackson is always good for a $100 mil at the box office.  I’m thinking a great new movie would be with something with monkeys and say….Russell Crowe.  How about he teaches monkeys teamwork and how to play baseball?  A sort of “Bad News Bears” meets the zoo.  Now I’m just rambling.


— And one last note for the weekend, I was cruising the ‘net and found this fantastic clip on Youtube.  Whatever happened to Cindy Crawford?


Mel Gibson likes his Booze – Crazy Style July 31, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson.
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 — Mel Gibson was pulled over for suspicion of drunk driving this past Friday night in Malibu and then proceeded to go on an Anti-Semitic rampage.  As first reported on TMZ.com,

“According to the report, Gibson became agitated after he was stopped on Pacific Coast Highway and told he was to be detained for drunk driving in Malibu. The actor began swearing uncontrollably. Gibson repeatedly said, “My life is f****d.” Law enforcement sources say the deputy, worried that Gibson might become violent, told the actor that he was supposed to cuff him but would not, as long as Gibson cooperated. As the two stood next to the hood of the patrol car, the deputy asked Gibson to get inside. Deputy Mee then walked over to the passenger door and opened it. The report says Gibson then said, “I’m not going to get in your car,” and bolted to his car. The deputy quickly subdued Gibson, cuffed him and put him inside the patrol car.  Once inside the car, a source directly connected with the case says Gibson began banging himself against the seat. The report says Gibson told the deputy, “You mother f****r. I’m going to f*** you.” The report also says “Gibson almost continually threatened me saying he ‘owns Malibu’ and will spend all of his money to ‘get even’ with me.”  The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: “F*****g Jews… The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” Gibson then asked the deputy, “Are you a Jew?” 

This is definitely a guy I want to teach me about Jebus and the Bible.

A law enforcement source says Gibson then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, “What do you think you’re looking at, sugar tits?”

He then followed up that classic with trying to urinate in his cell and then ultimately smashing the phone he was supposed to use to call his lawyer.  I know everyone is into remaking old movies now, but no one told me about the live remake of Mad Max that was coming out.   Talk about a fun guy to party with, if he loses it like this around the police what does he do around normal people when they call him a pussy for making movies like What Women Want and The Singing Detective?  Does he hurl racial slurs at them and beat them up in front of their mothers?  I hope he doesn’t find out that I thought Lethal Weapon 4 was complete garbage and should have been released straight to DVD.  One thing did become clear out of this whole episode though: now we all understand why he has 13 kids.  If he called a female officer “Sugar Tits,” who undoubtedly looked more like Rosie O’Donnell than a spring break coed, then what kind of dirty talk do you think he uses on his wife in the sack?


 — Lindsay Lohan got bitch slapped last week by Morgan Creek Productions, the production company for her latest movie Georgia Rule, for her “all night partying” which caused her “heat exhaustion” on the set.  Is this some kind of joke?  What do they expect when they hired an 18-year old giraffe-woman for a movie?  Do they think she will just stop prancing around in bikinis and dating B-class stars like Wilmer Valdarama?  Of course not, she’s a wild animal that can’t be tamed.  Would you just expect a koala to stop eating eucalyptus leaves?  No, then stop expecting Lindsay to close her legs and stop eating at the tube steak factory.

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