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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at


Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there


Arrrr…..Pirates of the Caribbean made the booty July 11, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Movies.
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Well, apparently I did something this weekend that just under 20 million other people did and that was go see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie.  But with this new record breaking movie, there came many questions that I’m sure bothered more than just me.  Honestly, do you think any self-respecting pirate would have traveled the seas to save Keira Knightly and her sunken chest?  Have you seen this girl?  She can’t weigh more than 75 lbs soaking wet and she was soaking wet in half of the movie.  I don’t know if all that eye makeup has gone to Captain Jack’s head, but what did he see in that girl?  Who in their right mind wants to make out with a skeleton?  And why in the world would he be attracted to a girl that actually dressed as guy for half the movie and no one noticed?!?!?  I don’t know how many pirates you have met, but all the ones I know like their women a bit more curvy.  And drunk.  And easy.  I don’t think Keira Knightly has ever been one of those.  And don’t get me started on the wussification of Orlando Bloom.  Could he pick a role where he didn’t play the lamest character on the screen?  Seriously, the retarded pirate with a wooden eye would kill Bloom in a cage match.   I don’t know how these people get cast for these roles, but he looks like a pirate as much as Britney looks like a Twinkie.  Sorry, bad example.  Britney is undoubtedly all gooey on the inside.  And lastly, when is someone going to walk the plank?  Any believable pirate movie MUST have someone walk the plank.  I don’t care where they walk the plank; just walk the damn plank!  And if we are lucky, it will be that sissy Bloom and we won’t have to see his lame ass anymore.  Anyway, the movie was halfway decent in a mindless / entertaining way.  But since there was no nudity, I give it a B-.

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