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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at


Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there


Posh smuggles melons, Natalie slips, and the Sexiest Woman Alive October 2, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Sports, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

 — In what has developed into an ongoing topic here at HC, it looks like Posh Spice and her knockers were out again last week in the produce section.  Now I know that her husband, soccer star David Beckham, just lost his spot on the English national team, but are they that hard up for money that they are in the smuggling business?  And if you were going to smuggle something for a profit, wouldn’t you chose something less obvious and more profitable than 2 enormous melons?  Maybe the melon market is different in other countries than it is here, but I can go to my local grocery store and buy a cantaloupe or honeydew for a couple bucks.  I guess the Brits have a love for melons that rivals their disdain for orthodontics.

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— Although it really has nothing to do with anything recent, some pictures of Natalie Portman’s nipple surfaced from the movie Closer.  I find this interesting because just a couple months ago she discussed how she wouldn’t appear nude in any of her movies.  And since she has already appeared nude (not really nude, but a nip slip counts for something), I think she now falls under the “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” category.  You know what I think is funny about her?  She probably has the smallest boobs in Hollywood that people are actually clamoring to see.

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  — In the latest issue of Esquire magazine, hitting newsstands on October 18th, Scarlett Johansson is voted Sexiest Woman Alive.  What I don’t get is that the magazine describes her in the pictures (shown below) as an “enigmatic trailer-park temptress.”  What does that even mean?  If anyone should be described as trailer-park, it’s my girl Britney Spears and her Walmart-feet.  Anyway, the more I read about Scarlett, the more I don’t know how anyone can not like her.  When asked about all of the attention to her curves and hourglass figure, she says

“What about my brain? What about my heart? What about my kidneys and my gallbladder?”  

Later in the article, she also talks about how in making a sign to carry while photographed by the paparazzi, she wrote “The person taking this picture is harassing me,” but misspelled harass.   Could she be anymore down-to-earth?  And could her jugs be anymore fantastic?  Here are some pictures from the magazine so you don’t have to be a douche and go out and buy it.

scarlett-johansson-sexiest-01.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-02.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-03.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-04.jpg    

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— And lastly, there is a great clip on YouTube of Denis Leary drunk and out of control at a recent Red Sox game.  Now you might be wondering why this is anything new for Denis Leary and I have the explanation.  Leary is hammered during the Red Sox broadcast on the air and discusses such things as Jewish baseball players on the Red Sox, Mel Gibson’s rehab, and the possibility of an all Jewish infield for the Red Sox.  Since today is Yom Kippur, I found this clip especially (in)appropriate.


Natalie Portman is on high beam alert! August 14, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Natalie Portman.
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 — As I’ve discussed multiple times this summer like here and here, this bra-less trend that has been sweeping the nation is quite fantastic.  I don’t know if this started like one of those stupid Bill Gates is going to pay us all a million dollars if I respond emails or if it was created by ‘Man Law’ and Miller Lite and I just missed the memo.  Either way, I don’t care, I just simply love it. 

The newest member of the bra-less society is sweet, innocent Natalie Portman.  I guess a degree from Harvard doesn’t teach you to put your underwear on…

 np3.jpg     np2.jpg     np4.jpg     np1.jpg

 — This is actually from last week, but it was just too funny to pass up.  Last week in a British Tabloid, the headline ran, “Val Kilmer Goes from Batman to Fatman” as some pictures surfaced of Val on the beach looking like a beached whale.  I’m not saying that I have the most svelte figure (think Fat Elvis), but I also don’t get paid millions of dollars to make shitty movies.  Maybe if you had a job at the Pawtucket Brewery, then you’d have a solid reason for that beer gut.  At least the cowboy hat takes away from his pasty white ass….


 — In new Jessica Simpson news, she’s still wearing tight pants and bust-enhancing tops, but she brought something new to the party this weekend, her moose knuckle.  I don’t know if she was out on the town, at a concert, or performing herself, but that is a serious moose knuckle on display.  And for all you female readers out there (thats quite an assumption I just made there, first that their are readers and second that any females would actually read this junk) how do you let your pants ride that far up your ass?  Can you not feel that?  For a girl with such a kick-ass body, she wears some serious garbage out on a daily basis.

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