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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at


Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there


Paris’ arse, Izzy in a Bikini, and the Wonders of Photoshop October 3, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Erika Christensen, Janet Jackson, Katherine Heigl, Paris Hilton, Uncategorized.

 — We are going to start off today with an all too familiar topic: Paris Hilton and her inability to cover up her skanky ass.  Last week, at the anniversary party for Tao in the Venetian in Vegas, Paris, Katherine Heigl (Izzy on Grey’s Anatomy….grrrrr) and one of the least insane Jacksons, Janet (who was having a coinciding CD release party), were all there.  Paris pulled her standard maneuver to steal all of the attention by getting hammered, standing on stage, and pulling her skirt up to show her ass cheeks.  At least she decided to go with pink panties.  We’ve seen enough of her crab trap.  Will it never end with this girl?  Her dad must be so proud.  I mean, who wouldn’t be proud that at 25 your daughter was a world renowned old tramp who had her bits on the internet every week?  So, here’s  everyone at the party and the aforementioned ass cheeks.

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Now we can get to the interesting part.  From the looks of the next pictures, they had some enormous snake at the party to greet people.  WTF you might ask?  Well, I completely agree, but I just can’t figure one thing out.  This would have been the perfect opportunity to take out that trampy Hilton and it was wasted.  Where is Steve Irwin when we need him now?  And screw GI Joe, that snake could have been the “Real American Hero”.  I don’t know why I’m not consulted on these things.  There would definitely be a lot fewer STDs out there.  And a couple other notes, why in the world is the “snake lady” wearing a corset and pasties?  I’m not complaining, but if I’d known that was standard snake handler wear, I’d be going to the zoo a hell of a lot more often.  And another thing, why is Janet Jackson dressed like a hobbit or some kind of extra for Star Wars at her CD release party.  That makes absolutely no sense to me unless she’s auditioning for a new jedi, something like Obi Wan Cleavage.

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— There were some pictures of Katherine Heigl earlier wearing some hideous outfit, so I thought you could use some pics of her in a bikini to even it out.  They aren’t the best quality and are from some foreign magazine that I can’t understand but they aren’t bad.  My favorite picture is the last one because it looks like they are laughing because they are being subtitled.

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— One more note on Vegas.  It looks like our resident philandering octogenarian, Hugh Hefner, is reopening the Playboy Club in Vegas.  The franchise which at one time had 22 locations around the world, last closed its last doors in 1991.  It will be located on the top 3 floors of the Palms casino and will feature Playboy bunnies working as waitresses and dealers.  Sounds like a simply fantastic idea to me.  How did we live without this for fifteen years?

— The powers of photoshop are on full display in the newest issue of Q magazine.  Of the 20 different covers celebrating their 20th anniversary, one is of a pregnant Britney Spears looking very svelte except for her baby bump.  Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I switch to my ding dongs, ho-hos and cheetos diet, I usually find it difficult to keep my rock hard abs and chiseled frame.  But it looks like that works for Britney.  Maybe she has some crazy metabolism where she processes twinkies better than vegetables.  I guess it’s possible.  Actually, look at the pictures; it’s not possible at all.  All we want is the old spandex-wearing, chain smoking, K-Fag-less, Britney.  Is that so much to ask for?

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 — I haven’t watched this new show 6 Degrees on ABC after Grey’s Anatomy, but I’ll tell you one thing, if Erika Christensen and her gi-normous boobies are prominently involved, I need to find time for this show.  Or at least time on my TIVO.  And when did these appear?  The first picture is from a couple years ago and you can see quite a difference.  I just feel like I should be informed about these things.  A phone call maybe, an email notice at least?

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 — And one last thing, I know we are at war and all, but is it necessary for civilians to be carrying around weapons of mass destruction out in the open?  Mariah Carey had her mud cannons on full alert recently so we should all feel a little safer.

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Britney sucks in her gut, Paris in Hell, and Posh’s pokies September 20, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Victoria Beckham.

 — Here are some new pictures of Posh Spice and her pokies out on the town.  Are we sure that’s really her though?  I’m not a scientist, but people’s eyes usually don’t bulge out like that, and their skin doesn’t usually look like wax.  I think someone stole her wax figure out of Madame Tussaud’s and is carrying it around putting different outfits on her.  Some outfits just happen to be more revealing than others.  One thing we can all agree on though is that she has fantastic cans.  Silicone, wax, or whatever, they’re terrific.

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 — Although it pains me to talk about her, I have to mention this.  It looks like Paris Hilton has dropped another notch further into the depths of hell.  In her new video, Nothing in this World, she’s shown gyrating on what looks to be 12 year old boy.  No, not Pink, an actual 12 year old boy.  Anyway, I could care less about what the song is about or what the video is about; all I want to know is how this doesn’t break any child endangerment laws?  Isn’t there something in the Declaration of Independence about not allowing harlots within so many yards of children?  I swear I learned that in 7th grade.

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 — Now the church is giving my girl, Jessica, a hard time too.  A Christian minister from Texas is now criticizing the Simpson sisters for using sex to sell their music.  Here are a couple tidbits from his rant and a couple of my comments:

“They don’t represent American standards and certainly not Christian standards,”

Interesting, I didn’t know molesting small boys and criticizing Muslims was an American or Christian standard.

“Their father has replaced his faith in the Lord with the love of money, which is the root of all evil. He has replaced holiness with horniness.”

This very well may be true, but his daughters are smoking hot and….seriously, I can’t argue with that.  Their dad creeps me the hell out.

“[Jessica and Ashlee] will reap the dismal crops they are sowing. Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither and they will be left with nothing but a hollow shell.”

Really?  “Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither”?  Has he heard of plastic surgery?  Maybe they don’t have it in the small ass town he’s from, but I think the last thing JS would do is let her boobs sag.  She flaunts those bad boys like she’s getting paid for it.  Oh wait, she is – I guess that’s the crazy Texan minister’s point, but I’d do it too if I was blessed with them (actually I’d probably stay home all day and play with them, but that’s the difference between you and me).  And lastly:

“But it looks like they’ve lost a lucrative segment of their record buyers along the way.”

According to my extensive research, 12 year old girls buy 2000% more albums than creepy Christian ministers.  Now this may be off by a small percentage, but much time was put into the calculations.

So what’s the big damn deal?  Maybe he’s just jealous because he can’t have kids who make tons of cash so he could retire.  Or, maybe he does have kids and they are ugly, talentless fools. 

 — So, while Redneck Spears was in the hospital having K-Fed’s spawn, it’s being reported that she also had a tummy tuck.  Now I’m no doctor, but I’ve watched enough infomercials to know that the only way to get rock-hard abs like mine is to do 2000 crunches daily with a brand name product, like the Ab Roller.  Why would Britney take the easy way out??  Because she’s easy.  Do you think K-Fed would disagree?  Maybe she needed to be skinnier to fit into her Corn-Dog costume for Halloween.  No matter how she does it, if she gets back into “Pre-KFag” shape like these pictures, I’m definitely okay with that.

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LL is pantyless..again ,Britney reproduces…again, Paris punked…again, Claire Danes in Paris…again, and more…again September 13, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Carmen Electra, Claire Danes, Entertainment, James Bond, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Uncategorized.

 — The panty-less baby giraffe is at it again.  I don’t know what this girl’s deal is; maybe she thinks that if she ‘forgets’ her panties enough times she’ll bump her arch-rival, Paris, from the headlines.  Whatever she thinks, it’s working, because unless she starts dropping trow on a daily basis and I get tired of staring at her wrinkled bits, she’ll headline this site.


— It looks like our favorite corn-dog eating champion has once again reproduced.  The story came out last week that she was having Jailynn (her aptly named son – and by the way, when did Jailynn become a name, much less a GUY’S name?  I know, I know, it’s her parent’s names combined, I’m just so confused by the insanity), but now it is reported that she gave birth to a 6 pound, 12 ounce ball of redneck at 2AM this morning.  KFed apparently had to lay off the bong for a couple hours and drive her to the hospital for her C-section.  I can only imagine how this scene played out at the Spears – Federline household:

Britney (screaming through a mouthful of ding-dongs) – “Kevin, I think my water broke, but on the good side, I think my feet are finally clean.”

KFed (in a smokey haze) – “Damn biatch, what have I done told you about interupting my ‘private’ time?”

Britney – “Please…pretty please will you take me?  I don’t want to have to take the bus to the hospital again!  And can we get an extra bag of Cheetos for the road?”

And so is the life of Cletus and his beautiful bride Brandine.  Here’s a pic of Brandine and a rendering of offspring #2.

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 — Well Paris has been spunked…I mean punked again.  Richard Branson, the uber-billionaire founder of Virgin records recently threw a Mad Hatter bash for his son’s birthday.  Enter Paris Hilton, the slut of all sluts, an unbelievably classless woman with no discernable talents who decided to turn this party into her very own by coming dressed as Alice.  Re-enter Branson who, once he got wind of this, had all of the 60 cocktail waitresses dress as Alice so she would blend in as the waitstaff.  To top it off, he “accidentally” thought she was a waitress and attempted to order a drink and walked off.  Screw Ashton Kutcher, hire Branson to host the next year of Punk’d.  That story was simply fantastic, needs no comments from me, and actually put a hop in my step.

 — What in the world have you been up to Claire Danes?  I can’t remember the last movie I saw her in besides Terminator 3, and I’m slightly embarrassed to say that I saw that movie (but damn, have you seen Arnold’s ass lately?  Mmmmm).  Anyway, just like I had a Kate Hudson story just for the hell of it yesterday, I’m doing the same with Claire.  And just like Kate, she’s not wearing a bra.  But unlike Kate, she’s wearing a white blouse that tends to be a little see-through when photographed in front of the Eiffel Tower.  Damn Frenchies and their trick photography! 

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 — In what is becoming a daily edition of WTF were they thinking, we have our newest entry, Carmen Electra.  I guess these are pictures from a fashion show, but for all I know, they could be pictures from her Vegas wedding to some freak like Marilyn Manson.  Or since they are remaking every movie that made at least $10, maybe this is an audition for Young Frankenstein.  I bet Gene Wilder is rolling over in his grave.  Oh…he’s not dead.

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 — And finally, the clip is out for the new James Bond Trailer.  It looks good except I can’t get over the guy that plays Bond.  He looks so full of himself, like some sort of blonde version of Steven Seagal.  I can’t decide if it looks good or not, so you can take a gander and decide for yourself.



Weekend Wrap – Britney + JailFed, Paris, Scarlett, LL and more September 8, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Scarlett Johansson.

I decided that since the weekend was upon us and with the return of pro football, that I should post something today so that you guys had something to read over the weekend.  And, because in between sitting by the pool at the Holden Caulfield mansion drinking frozen Cuba Libres (Frozen Rum and Cokes for you novice drinkers out there), checking the scores of my fantasy football teams, and re-looking at the pictures of Lindsay with no underpants, I might not have time to post for a couple days.  Anyway, I digress. 

Here are some stories from the past week that I just couldn’t let slip by:

 — Britney supposedly had her daughter yesterday during a scheduled C-section.  There were 2 conflicting reports.  One from ContactMusic reported that she was going to give birth to her daughter Jailynn (more on that later) yesterday at the UCLA Medical Center in Santa Monica, but the NY Daily Newsis reporting that she was planning to give birth next week on September 14th, coincidentally the same day her other spawn of K-Fed was born, Sean Preston.  So when is Britney going to have her daughter?  Who the hell cares?  More importantly, when is she going to stop popping out kids like a Pez dispenser and get hot again?  I long for the days of Britney in her red latex suit with a hint of cameltoe.  And what the hell is up with the name Jailynn?  I understand that it is supposed to be a combination of her parents’ names (Jamie & Lynn), so how in the hell did she get JAILynn?  I’m confused, is she making the Jail-Fed joke for us now?  I know she made fun of herself on the VMA’s 2 weeks ago, but making your kid’s name a joke?  That’s pretty rough….or brilliant.  Maybe she’s some kind of super-genius sent from the future to trick us all into being white trash and walking barefoot into gas station bathrooms. 

Old Britney (with cameltoe) & Fugly Britney:

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— The recent weeks haven’t been too kind to that trashy ho Paris Hilton.  First her debut album (using the term “album” extremely loosely) had sales of only 75,000 copies and barely cracked the Billboard Top 100.  Not that this surprised anyone seeing as I’d pay money to see monkeys playing banjos before I’d pay a nickel to that talentless tart.  To make matters worse (and by “worse” I mean hilarious), about 500 copies of her album were tampered with in the UK by an artist named Banksy and replaced with copies that had remixes with titles like: Why am I Famous?, What Have I Done? and What Am I For?.  The kicker was that they replaced the CD sleeve with pictures of her topless.  Now we’ve all seen her topless, but this was a simply fantastic prank on all levels.  The problem is though, with so few copies being bought, the odds are slim that one of those 500 golden CD tickets would actually be found.  But some were, and here are the pictures (I’ll let you guess which is the real one, and by the way, the one with the dog head is terrific):

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And to cap off her stellar week, pictures came out of Paris in handcuffs yesterday.  And no, it wasn’t from some kinky photo-shoot she did to make enough money for blow for the weekend.  She was pulled over for DUI while making a midnight run to In-N-Out Burger.  Now I am quite a fan of In-N-Out Burger myself, but I think if I “hadn’t eaten all day and had a margarita that afternoon” as Paris told Ryan Seacrest yesterday, I probably couldn’t blow .08 for the police.  And isn’t her blowing .08 the joke within itself?  It wouldn’t work nearly as well if it was anyone but Paris.  Here are some of her kinky pics:


 — A quick story on Lindsay Lohan because honestly, I’m sick of talking about her.  Unless she’s going to go completely nude in a movie or Playboy, I’m not interested.  I mean, over the last couple of weeks, she’s had a nip slip, a side boob poking out of a potato sack and most recently she went commando in Venice.  So unless she puts it all together for a spread in Hustler, don’t call me.  Oh, who am I kidding, I love that little giraffe woman.  In the latest Lindsay “news”, she was apparently robbed at Heathrow Airport by a 20 year old woman who stole her Hermes bag with approximately $1 million dollars worth of jewelry and her medication.  I’m going to ignore the point that she owns $1 million dollars worth of jewelry seeing as her net worth is only around $7 million and simply question what “medication” she had that is so valuable?  As quoted by her rep and TMZ:

Lindsay’s rep, Leslie Sloane, confirms to TMZ the theft occurred and that Lindsay is extremely upset about the loss of personal belongings. “She is begging for the return of the items,” Sloane says. “She doesn’t care how she gets them back, she just wants her stuff back.”

The Hermès Birkin bag that was stolen also contained Lindsay’s much needed asthma medication.

Much needed asthma medication?  Lets be honest, I understand people can have serious asthma and it can be life threatening if not taken care of, but can’t you by that crap at any drugstore?  She’s F-ing Lindsay Lohan!  Couldn’t she have a whole case sent to her hotel at any time?   There are some things I just don’t understand.

 — Most of you out there know that any chance I get to talk about Scarlett Johansson and her fantastic chest, I will.  So here’s to not letting you down.  This past week, Scarlett had a few too many “champagne cocktails”, was a little tipsy, and broke into her neighbor’s apartment by mistake.  She explains (Starpulse):

“I was coming home, it was very late, mind you, it was like four in the morning. Maybe I’d had like one too many champagne cocktails, or whatever… But I got home, of course I wasn’t driving, and I opened my door and it wasn’t my kitchen! It was somebody else’s kitchen and I left and I realized my key opens up somebody else’s door in my building. It like slides right in and opens it up!

“I slammed the door shut as quickly as I could and I ran to the stairs because I didn’t want them to think, ‘Who the hell was that?’ It was a disaster! Then I thought maybe I should go back and see if they had a can of Coke or something… I just got back from Venice (from the Venice Film Festival), so I don’t have any groceries!”

What?!?!?  I’ve been kneeling next to my bed for the past year praying that this would happen to me and for nothing?  Scarlett Johansson drunk at 4AM in your apartment?  That’s like finding the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and actually getting to meet a leprechaun too.  That’s like the holy grail of medicine, the Front Butt.  I don’t know what to think anymore.  Well, here are some pics of her breasticles from her recent Tonight Show appearance:

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 — And one last thing.  These pictures of Elizabeth Hurley are just amazing.  She is 41 years old and has a 4 year old son and is still that hot???  How is that genetically possible?  She’s definitely in the Diane Lane and Heather Locklear category for hottest celebrity MILFs around.  Grrr….

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Have a great weekend kids.


Paris to dominate the world or will Britney eat it first?? August 8, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Jessica Alba, Paris Hilton.
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 — In a recent interview with the UK version of Marie Clare magazine, Paris discusses how her final goal in life is “World Domination”; how she will begin filming a new movie this September, but doesn’t know who the director is and doesn’t care because, “All I know, is I’m the star”; and how she isn’t worried about any of her projects failing because “They always work.”  Always work?  I guess if partying all night and not having anything close to a job is your standard, you can always make that work.  This could be one of the most ridiculous pieces of journalism of all time.  Anyone that would waste 4 hours of their life interviewing a girl who has a brain the size of a peanut is a damn fool.  Hopefully they let an intern do it.  Or maybe it was “bring your kid to work” day and someone let their 5-year old do the interview.  Actually that might break some kind of child endangerment laws since I bet Paris has one of those new fangled STD’s that can just jump right on to you (which I guess wouldn’t count as sexually transmitted, but you get my point).  This entire obsession with everything Paris just has me flabbergasted.  I guess I am a jack-hole myself for helping to promote her by writing this article, but at least I’ll be honest and tell you she’s a dirty whore.  And at least I’m not the one who ‘green-lighted’ a Paris Hilton Hello Kitty doll.  Available only in Japan, you too can now have your own Paris Hilton doll.  So what does this thing come with you might ask?  Well, a collection of purses, some belts and even her piece of shit dog.  It seems like they forgot a couple accessories in the package though.  Like a miniature video camera to make your sex tapes and a little marker so you can give her a rash to match the real Paris.  And maybe even a can of sardines to give her who-who an accurate smell.

 — Now I know Britney is pregnant and that it’s hard to find clothes that fit when you look like you’ve swallowed a beach ball, but can’t someone who has millions of dollars get a shirt that covers her belly?  I mean she was pregnant just a year ago, why can’t she wear those shirts?  I’m sure they are covered with ketchup and coffee stains, but thats what everyone expects from her now anyway.  I’m still just waiting for her to go shopping bare-foot with a rope belt cinched around her potato sack dress.  Or maybe she could tape a bunch of Cheetos and Twinkie wrappers together and make clothes out of that, using pizza boxes for shoes.  I really think it’s just around the corner. 

Here are some pics of the walking STD, Hillbilly Britney, and I had to put someone mildly attractive, so here’s an old Jessica Alba picture.

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Paris Swims in Poo and Lindsay likes it rough July 27, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton.
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— In a new video on YouTube, Paris gets a little kinky while bathing some kid.  You just have to watch it and try not to go into shock due to sheer amazement.  Fantastic outfit she’s wearing too, that would be like me wearing a gold-sequined thong to wash my dog.  Not happening.  I guess this is a clip from that horrible “Simple Life” show.  I didn’t even know that was still on TV and I wouldn’t even know where to start looking to find it.  OLN?  Food Network?  Sci-Fi?  I don’t know why people keep giving this girl work, but kudos to her for fleecing someone else.  And just like my Tara Reid story earlier this week, I don’t know what parents are allowing their kid in any body of water with either Paris or Tara.  Don’t they know that if anyone has STD’s that can be transmitted by simply breathing, its those two.


— Some new pics are out of our favorite 18-year old, redheaded harlot at Jeremy Piven’s birthday bash.  In one of her multiple bikini changes during the day, Lohan came out in this frilly number and bent over showing her bruised ass.  Maybe its just another chance to show some pics of Lohan in a bikini or maybe it’s a chance to discuss her hiney.  Yeah, I said hiney, I don’t know how it’s spelled and I’m not ashamed.  Whether she’s wearing a bikini at a party or driving a VW bug, this girl really just puts herself out there.  She must just be brimming with confidence.  Confident enough to show the bondage marks on her rear.  Only my grandma spends more time on her back than Lindsay, but that’s not funny because she’s in an iron lung.  Lindsay’s not in an iron long — yet.  Do they still use that to treat syphilis?

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Someone remind me why I care about Paris Hilton again? July 10, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Paris Hilton.
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As I sat in my vehicular mode of transportation yesterday, preparing to exit and fill my belly with a burrito a new song came on the radio.  A song called “Stars are Blind” by that no-talent pox on society, Paris Hilton.  Is someone playing a joke on me?  Am I on Candid Camera?  You are seriously going to tell me that this rich tramp now has a CD coming out?  Obviously all it takes to get a record deal these days is a 3rd grade understanding of the English language and a bitching case of VD.  I just don’t understand what the public’s fascination is with a girl who’s never had a full time job, releases multiple sex videos and teamed up with Skeletor herself in the Simple Life.  But in a recent interview with The Guardian, Paris claims “There’s nobody else like me. Also, I’m a good person. I treat everybody great. I travel around the world and I’m better to the fans than any single person.” Better than anybody? “Yes.” A good person?  Treats everybody great?  I guess if blowing every guy at a nightclub in LA certifies you as a good person then she wins hands down.  My favorite though, is this quote “I was the kid in class who couldn’t even make a speech because I’d be embarrassed and shy. I couldn’t imagine singing in front of a room of people.”  So what exactly changed in her life that she went from being a shy, skinny girl to the media whore that we know today?  Who knows, but she hasn’t looked shy for about 8 or 9 years, so I’m not exactly sure what she’s referring to.  Maybe she was shy because she only went to the Playboy mansion 4 times a year or she was only in People magazine once every month.  I don’t know, but if she’s trying to make me feel sorry for her, it worked.  I really do feel sorry for her, because it sure has to hurt to have that silver spoon jammed that far up her ass.

The last time I saw a video this fantastic, Connie Chung was writhing on a piano.  The Hoff in YouTube instant classic.  Get In My Car.

And if you are itching for a little sports, check out the Sports Guys NBA Trade Value Index.  This is definitely one of his best articles of the year.