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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at


Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there


Jessica Biel’s bootie ….. Heath and Michelle say F U August 22, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Jessica Biel, Penelope Cruz.

Sorry, it’s been a while since I posted.  I’ve been traveling for work and partying with rockstars, but you don’t care about the details.  All you care about is taking 15 minutes out of your day to read some celebrity nonsense and that’s what I’m here for.  So, away we go….and I’ll try to keep more up to date, but you get what you pay for.

— First up, Jessica Biel and her sweet arse.  At the New York premiere of The Illusionist, Jessica Biel brought a little more than her sweet smile and pearly whites.  Actually she brought a whole lot more.  I don’t know if she has 2 canned hams taped to her backside, but that is one sweet looking ass.  I’ve never seen that TV show she’s in, but if she wears ass-accentuating outfits, I might have to start tuning in.  Actually there is no way I’d watch a show on the WB or Oxygen or whatever station she’s on, but as long as she continues to show up at movie premieres I can get my fix there.  She definitely puts the “donk” in “ba-donk-a-donk”.

jessica-biel-ass-illusionist-05.jpg     jessica-biel-ass-illusionist-01.jpg     jessica-biel-ass-illusionist-04.jpg     jessica-biel-ass-illusionist-02.jpg

— Here’s a question for you.  What is the most annoying noise you’ve ever heard?  A baby screaming?  Maybe your neighbor’s dog barking at 6AM across the street.  For me though, the most annoying noise I’ve ever heard is the voice of the annoying, mousey actress, Penelope Cruz.  I don’t know why she’s famous.  I don’t even think I could name one movie that she’s ever been in.  I guess she’s mildly attractive, but she doesn’t hold a candle to the aforementioned Jessica Biel.  Anyway, the only reason I bring her up at all is because I guess last weekend she decided to go swimming in a bikini and had a little trouble keeping the twins wrapped up.  Well one twin got out and she had a bit of a nipple slip.  God bless the evil twin.  Like I said before, I don’t know any movies she’s ever been in, so she could get naked in everything she’s in.  Maybe she’s actually a famous porn star named Slutty McSlut and the only thing dirtier than she is, is the New Jersey Shore.  I just don’t know anymore, but the bottom line is that I’m seeing her nips for the first time, and I’m sharing them with you.

penelope-cruz-nipple-slip-01.jpg     penelope-cruz-nipple-slip-02.jpg     penelope-cruz-nipple-slip-04.jpg

— And lastly I don’t know where celebrities think they get off these days.  Some of them yell at the paparazzi, some of them punch cameramen, and some even get drunk and call police officers horrible things like “sugar tits”.  But this following picture is just a horrible commentary on our society today.  Who do Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams think they are?  Actors we’ve actually heard of?  You’ve got to admire their choreography though.  They look like off-color syncronized swimmers gearing up for a meet.