jump to navigation

Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.
2 comments

Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at

http://holden–caulfield.blogspot.com/

Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there

 HC

Scarlett’s back, Jessica’s back and HC is back October 17, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Madonna, Scarlett Johansson.
2 comments

So as you may have noticed, I haven’t posted in a couple weeks.  Some of you may call me a slacker, some a lazy jackass.  And to tell the truth, I’m a little of both.  But in my own defense, you really shouldn’t expect any less from a guy who writes a blog about trashy celebrities, occasionally during work hours.  

— My girl Scarlett had a couple revealing articles in the last couple weeks that I couldn’t pass up.  First in Allure she said that  

“Contrary to popular belief, I’m not promiscuous.” 

Popular belief?  I thought the general thought on Scarlett was that she was pretty much the “good girl with fantastic cans” surrounded by Hollywood tramps Paris and Lindsay Lohan.  But maybe I was wrong. 

She goes on to get my hopes up by saying

“I’m not a serial monogamist” and “I do think on some basic level we are animals, and by instinct we kind of breed accordingly.” 

She finishes the article off discussing that she is tested for STDs and HIV twice a year.  Not quite sure why she threw that out there though, unless she’s just trying to look like a responsible adult.  Or maybe she just wants to ease the minds of everyone who’s been dreaming of being Benicio del Toro and having a steamy rendevous with her in the Chateau Marmont elevator.  Whatever it is, I’m happy she cleared that up for all of us.

The latest on Scarlett comes from filmmaker Michael Bay who told Esquire that

“Scarlett said, ‘I’m not wearing this [expletive] bra. I’m going naked.’ I said, ‘Scarlett, you can’t go naked, this film is PG13.'”

Wha, wha, WHAT????  Are you F’ing kidding me?  She WANTED to take her bra off and you denied America this?  Are you some kind of commie?  Maybe Michael Bay should go back to blowing shit up and I’ll handle when beautiful women want to take their clothes off.  Can we all agree on that? 

scarlett_johansson_bare_breasts_5_big.jpg

 — I guess the Simpson girls took some time off from being photographed by their creepy-ass dad to show off their bras and matching noses the last couple of weeks.

Well, Ashlee showed her bra

ashlee_simpson_bra_6.jpg     ashlee_simpson_bra_3.jpg

And Jessica showed some bra and a little more… 

jessica_simpson_bra_exposed_big.jpg     jessica_simpson_bra_exposed_2_big.jpg     jessica_simpson_bra_exposed_3_big.jpg    

864-js114.jpg     865-js120.jpg     866-js118.jpg     869-js117.jpg

Now I know you have all seen these fantastic jugs before, but I can’t ever pass up a chance to see this rack.  Even if her hair is a little f’d up.  And she makes out with her gay hairdresser.  And she misses Nick Lachey’s poser tattoos. 

 — I’m sure you all heard that Madonna is using all of her celebrity status, fake British accent and cone bras to adopt some African kid.  I don’t know if she can speak in clicks already or plans on learning, but what the hell is behind this?  Is she trying to compete with hot dog lips herself, Angelina Jolie?  Give it up Madonna, you’re done.  Adopting poor kids from other countries may sound all glamorous but it really isn’t.  Trust me, I know.  Last time I was at the beach, I adopted a hermit crab and boy was he a son-of-a-bitch.  Sometimes you just can’t please everyone. 

 — Some chick named Amber Tamblyn let her nipple loose a couple days ago.  Honestly, I had no idea who she was, but apparently she’s done great work including starring in Joan of Arcadia and The Grudge 2.  Really though, who cares.  We’ve seen her nipple now, so no need to go to the movies to be teased out of that.

amber_tamblyn_nipple_slip.jpg

 — And lastly, how can you pass up a video with Bikini Bull Riding?

If you don’t like it, you’re gay…or blind….or dead…

HC

Posh smuggles melons, Natalie slips, and the Sexiest Woman Alive October 2, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Sports, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.
4 comments

 — In what has developed into an ongoing topic here at HC, it looks like Posh Spice and her knockers were out again last week in the produce section.  Now I know that her husband, soccer star David Beckham, just lost his spot on the English national team, but are they that hard up for money that they are in the smuggling business?  And if you were going to smuggle something for a profit, wouldn’t you chose something less obvious and more profitable than 2 enormous melons?  Maybe the melon market is different in other countries than it is here, but I can go to my local grocery store and buy a cantaloupe or honeydew for a couple bucks.  I guess the Brits have a love for melons that rivals their disdain for orthodontics.

victoria-beckham-boobs-01.jpg     victoria-beckham-boobs-02.jpg

— Although it really has nothing to do with anything recent, some pictures of Natalie Portman’s nipple surfaced from the movie Closer.  I find this interesting because just a couple months ago she discussed how she wouldn’t appear nude in any of her movies.  And since she has already appeared nude (not really nude, but a nip slip counts for something), I think she now falls under the “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” category.  You know what I think is funny about her?  She probably has the smallest boobs in Hollywood that people are actually clamoring to see.

 natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-03.jpg     natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-04.jpg     natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-05.jpg     natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-06.jpg

  — In the latest issue of Esquire magazine, hitting newsstands on October 18th, Scarlett Johansson is voted Sexiest Woman Alive.  What I don’t get is that the magazine describes her in the pictures (shown below) as an “enigmatic trailer-park temptress.”  What does that even mean?  If anyone should be described as trailer-park, it’s my girl Britney Spears and her Walmart-feet.  Anyway, the more I read about Scarlett, the more I don’t know how anyone can not like her.  When asked about all of the attention to her curves and hourglass figure, she says

“What about my brain? What about my heart? What about my kidneys and my gallbladder?”  

Later in the article, she also talks about how in making a sign to carry while photographed by the paparazzi, she wrote “The person taking this picture is harassing me,” but misspelled harass.   Could she be anymore down-to-earth?  And could her jugs be anymore fantastic?  Here are some pictures from the magazine so you don’t have to be a douche and go out and buy it.

scarlett-johansson-sexiest-01.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-02.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-03.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-04.jpg    

scarlett-johansson-sexiest-05.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-06.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-07.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-08.jpg

— And lastly, there is a great clip on YouTube of Denis Leary drunk and out of control at a recent Red Sox game.  Now you might be wondering why this is anything new for Denis Leary and I have the explanation.  Leary is hammered during the Red Sox broadcast on the air and discusses such things as Jewish baseball players on the Red Sox, Mel Gibson’s rehab, and the possibility of an all Jewish infield for the Red Sox.  Since today is Yom Kippur, I found this clip especially (in)appropriate.

HC

Scarlett has a fantastic rack…and knows it September 19, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Scarlett Johansson.
4 comments

In a new article for InStyle, the star of The Black Dahlia – Scarlett Johansson, tells the magazine that just because she is famous, doesn’t mean that the world needs to know everything about her life. 

“I can’t stand those articles where people spill their life story,” Johansson says in the October issue of InStyle magazine, on newsstands Friday. “After a while I feel like I know more about them than their best friend does and that’s weird. It’s better when you don’t know everything.”

She also talks about how she loves her figure and wouldn’t change a thing about it.

“I’m curvy I’m never going to be 5’11’ and 120 pounds. But I feel lucky to have what I’ve got.”

We all feel lucky that you have what you’ve got.  What a breath of fresh air.  Seriously, I’m so sick of these trashy whores mucking up Hollywood.  It’s always: Lindsay Lohan broke her wrist while jacking off a donkey in Tijuana, Paris Hilton got an STD from a panda in China, Britney is pregnant with her ump-teenth trailer trash kid or something else equally tacky.   

Scarlett’s last quote is the best:

“Whose life would I like to step into for the day? The president’s. I could probably get some things done in the Oval Office.”

The president?  If you asked Lindsay Lohan that question I almost guarantee it would be some nightclub owner or a DJ.  And if you asked Paris where the President worked, she couldn’t tell you even if you spotted her the White and the House.  And Scarlett could definitely get something done with a rack like that.  It’s a well known fact that ample amounts of cleavage can solve most disputes including world hunger.

I could write all day about his girl.  She is simply gorgeous, seems to have it all together, would rather spend her time working on her craft instead of partying – which is only unfortunate because her craft isn’t wearing a french maid outfit at the Holden Caulfield mansion and serving me fruity drinks by the pool – and she’s smoking hot.  Did I say that already?  Anyway, I’m babbling and here are the pictures from the magazine and a couple others.

 scarlett-johansson-vogue-uk-03.jpg     scarlett-johansson-vogue-uk-04.jpg     scarlett_johansson11.jpg     scarlett6.jpg

HC

Weekend Wrap – Britney + JailFed, Paris, Scarlett, LL and more September 8, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Scarlett Johansson.
2 comments

I decided that since the weekend was upon us and with the return of pro football, that I should post something today so that you guys had something to read over the weekend.  And, because in between sitting by the pool at the Holden Caulfield mansion drinking frozen Cuba Libres (Frozen Rum and Cokes for you novice drinkers out there), checking the scores of my fantasy football teams, and re-looking at the pictures of Lindsay with no underpants, I might not have time to post for a couple days.  Anyway, I digress. 

Here are some stories from the past week that I just couldn’t let slip by:

 — Britney supposedly had her daughter yesterday during a scheduled C-section.  There were 2 conflicting reports.  One from ContactMusic reported that she was going to give birth to her daughter Jailynn (more on that later) yesterday at the UCLA Medical Center in Santa Monica, but the NY Daily Newsis reporting that she was planning to give birth next week on September 14th, coincidentally the same day her other spawn of K-Fed was born, Sean Preston.  So when is Britney going to have her daughter?  Who the hell cares?  More importantly, when is she going to stop popping out kids like a Pez dispenser and get hot again?  I long for the days of Britney in her red latex suit with a hint of cameltoe.  And what the hell is up with the name Jailynn?  I understand that it is supposed to be a combination of her parents’ names (Jamie & Lynn), so how in the hell did she get JAILynn?  I’m confused, is she making the Jail-Fed joke for us now?  I know she made fun of herself on the VMA’s 2 weeks ago, but making your kid’s name a joke?  That’s pretty rough….or brilliant.  Maybe she’s some kind of super-genius sent from the future to trick us all into being white trash and walking barefoot into gas station bathrooms. 

Old Britney (with cameltoe) & Fugly Britney:

 britney.jpg     3awwser.jpg

— The recent weeks haven’t been too kind to that trashy ho Paris Hilton.  First her debut album (using the term “album” extremely loosely) had sales of only 75,000 copies and barely cracked the Billboard Top 100.  Not that this surprised anyone seeing as I’d pay money to see monkeys playing banjos before I’d pay a nickel to that talentless tart.  To make matters worse (and by “worse” I mean hilarious), about 500 copies of her album were tampered with in the UK by an artist named Banksy and replaced with copies that had remixes with titles like: Why am I Famous?, What Have I Done? and What Am I For?.  The kicker was that they replaced the CD sleeve with pictures of her topless.  Now we’ve all seen her topless, but this was a simply fantastic prank on all levels.  The problem is though, with so few copies being bought, the odds are slim that one of those 500 golden CD tickets would actually be found.  But some were, and here are the pictures (I’ll let you guess which is the real one, and by the way, the one with the dog head is terrific):

paris-hilton-cover.jpg     banksy-hilton-01.jpg     banksy-hilton-02.jpg     banksy-hilton-03.jpg     banksy-hilton-04.jpg     banksy-hilton-05.jpg     banksy-hilton-06.jpg     banksy-hilton-07.jpg

And to cap off her stellar week, pictures came out of Paris in handcuffs yesterday.  And no, it wasn’t from some kinky photo-shoot she did to make enough money for blow for the weekend.  She was pulled over for DUI while making a midnight run to In-N-Out Burger.  Now I am quite a fan of In-N-Out Burger myself, but I think if I “hadn’t eaten all day and had a margarita that afternoon” as Paris told Ryan Seacrest yesterday, I probably couldn’t blow .08 for the police.  And isn’t her blowing .08 the joke within itself?  It wouldn’t work nearly as well if it was anyone but Paris.  Here are some of her kinky pics:

1310-ph50.jpg

 — A quick story on Lindsay Lohan because honestly, I’m sick of talking about her.  Unless she’s going to go completely nude in a movie or Playboy, I’m not interested.  I mean, over the last couple of weeks, she’s had a nip slip, a side boob poking out of a potato sack and most recently she went commando in Venice.  So unless she puts it all together for a spread in Hustler, don’t call me.  Oh, who am I kidding, I love that little giraffe woman.  In the latest Lindsay “news”, she was apparently robbed at Heathrow Airport by a 20 year old woman who stole her Hermes bag with approximately $1 million dollars worth of jewelry and her medication.  I’m going to ignore the point that she owns $1 million dollars worth of jewelry seeing as her net worth is only around $7 million and simply question what “medication” she had that is so valuable?  As quoted by her rep and TMZ:

Lindsay’s rep, Leslie Sloane, confirms to TMZ the theft occurred and that Lindsay is extremely upset about the loss of personal belongings. “She is begging for the return of the items,” Sloane says. “She doesn’t care how she gets them back, she just wants her stuff back.”

The Hermès Birkin bag that was stolen also contained Lindsay’s much needed asthma medication.

Much needed asthma medication?  Lets be honest, I understand people can have serious asthma and it can be life threatening if not taken care of, but can’t you by that crap at any drugstore?  She’s F-ing Lindsay Lohan!  Couldn’t she have a whole case sent to her hotel at any time?   There are some things I just don’t understand.

 — Most of you out there know that any chance I get to talk about Scarlett Johansson and her fantastic chest, I will.  So here’s to not letting you down.  This past week, Scarlett had a few too many “champagne cocktails”, was a little tipsy, and broke into her neighbor’s apartment by mistake.  She explains (Starpulse):

“I was coming home, it was very late, mind you, it was like four in the morning. Maybe I’d had like one too many champagne cocktails, or whatever… But I got home, of course I wasn’t driving, and I opened my door and it wasn’t my kitchen! It was somebody else’s kitchen and I left and I realized my key opens up somebody else’s door in my building. It like slides right in and opens it up!

“I slammed the door shut as quickly as I could and I ran to the stairs because I didn’t want them to think, ‘Who the hell was that?’ It was a disaster! Then I thought maybe I should go back and see if they had a can of Coke or something… I just got back from Venice (from the Venice Film Festival), so I don’t have any groceries!”

What?!?!?  I’ve been kneeling next to my bed for the past year praying that this would happen to me and for nothing?  Scarlett Johansson drunk at 4AM in your apartment?  That’s like finding the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and actually getting to meet a leprechaun too.  That’s like the holy grail of medicine, the Front Butt.  I don’t know what to think anymore.  Well, here are some pics of her breasticles from her recent Tonight Show appearance:

 scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-01.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-03.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-04.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-07.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-09.jpg

 — And one last thing.  These pictures of Elizabeth Hurley are just amazing.  She is 41 years old and has a 4 year old son and is still that hot???  How is that genetically possible?  She’s definitely in the Diane Lane and Heather Locklear category for hottest celebrity MILFs around.  Grrr….

 elizabeth_berkley_elle_5_big.jpg     elizabeth_berkley_elle_big.jpg     elizabeth_berkley_elle_7_big.jpg     elizabeth_berkley_elle_2_big.jpg

Have a great weekend kids.

HC

Jessica tired of creepy dad and Scarlett on Baywatch?? August 9, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Scarlett Johansson.
add a comment

I am utterly exhausted from talking about media whores like Paris and Lindsay Lohan, so I’m going to try to avoid them for an entire week.  I don’t know if it’s possible because they are the easiest targets around these days, but I’m going to make a solid effort.  You guys with me?

 — Jessica Simpson’s dad is creepy even to me, a guy who posts paparazzi pics of nip slips and see-thru dresses.  A perennial father of the year candidate, Joe Simpson gave GQ the classic quotes of “She’s got doubleD’s!” and “You can’t cover those suckers up!” referring to his well endowed blonde daughter.  Yeah it’s normal to talk about your daughter’s breasticles like you have a fistful of dollars and are seated in front of a pole listening to Kid Rock.  US Weekly has quoted a “source” as saying the daughters are finally fed up with it:  “It creeps everyone out.  And he thinks he knows what he’s doing, and that he’s doing what’s best for his kids.”  I understand he’s done a good job making his 2 marginally talented daughters successful, but he’s about as qualified to be their manager as I am to train astronauts to fix the space station.  Actually I might be more qualified because I submitted an application to Space Camp 20 years ago. 

js.JPG

 — Unfortunately Scarlett’s not going to be in a remake of Baywatch anytime soon.  Well at least not that I know of and I’m a charter member of the Baywatch fan and have David Hasselhoff on speed dial.  Well, she may not be in a Baywatch movie, but she’s definitely in a Baywatch swimsuit in her latest movie Scoop.  All I know about this movie are these things: it is a Woody Allen movie, it has Scarlett Johansson, and it has Scarlett Johansson’s boobies.  The movie apparently has received decent reviews, and here is a clip of the movie, some pictures of Scarlett and her aforementioned boobies.  Enjoy.

2.jpg     scarlett-johansson-scoop-12.jpg     scarlett-johansson-scoop-3.jpg

 — And lastly, I don’t know who out there doesn’t watch The Office, but here is another reason to watch (And by the way, if you don’t watch you are a DAMN fool and I’m personally sending Dwight and his bobble head to beat your ass).  Anyway, I have no idea where this picture is from or what it is for, but I’m not complaining.  For your viewing pleasure, Pam (Jenna Fisher for you non-Office watching fools).

jenna-fischer-ass-jane-01.jpg

HC

Scarlett loves her dairy products … August 4, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Mel Gibson, Scarlett Johansson.
3 comments

 — Hottie Scarlett Johansson was seen doing something quite odd while shopping in NYC a couple days ago.  She was seen walking with her boyfriend Josh-something or other while, get this, eating ice cream on the street and carrying around milk jugs!  Now eating ice cream these days isn’t unusual at all since the average temperature across the country is just a few notches below hell, but who wants to carry around giant milk jugs in this heat?  I agree that you need to stay hydrated, but is milk really the best solution to that problem?  I don’t know what her deal is, but she seems to be carrying those jugs everywhere she goes these days, from the beach to the movie set and now to the streets of New York.  Weird.  Anyway, if she is going to keep carrying those things around everywhere she goes then we need to get her some more bikinis for God’s sake.  No more silly fish dresses for me.

johansson-hartnett-ice-cream-04.jpg     sj43.jpg     sj48.jpg

— In more Mel-gate news, Rob Schneider has released his own response to Mel’s anti-Semitic tirade.  He has written an open letter to Hollywood about Gibson’s recent arrest and remarks.  Now, I know Rob is trying to be funny, but I don’t think there is anyone on this planet that cares what he has to say, funny or not.  And I’m actually using the word “trying” loosely because that letter isn’t funny at all.  I think he might have more luck getting “Deuce Bigalo: Intergalactic Jack-ass” released in theaters than making someone laugh these days.

robgibsonletter-thumb.jpg

— In what has become an inexplicable cult phenomenon, SOAP now has merchandise out.  Don’t know what SOAP is?  SOAP is Snakes on a Plane, the horrible movie coming out in 2 weeks starring Samuel L. Jackson.  How this thing got green-lighted, I’ll never know.  Are the producers blind and dumb?  I guess they figure Samuel Jackson is always good for a $100 mil at the box office.  I’m thinking a great new movie would be with something with monkeys and say….Russell Crowe.  How about he teaches monkeys teamwork and how to play baseball?  A sort of “Bad News Bears” meets the zoo.  Now I’m just rambling.

63996930v8_240x240_f.jpg

— And one last note for the weekend, I was cruising the ‘net and found this fantastic clip on Youtube.  Whatever happened to Cindy Crawford?

HC