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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.
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Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at

http://holden–caulfield.blogspot.com/

Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there

 HC

Posh smuggles melons, Natalie slips, and the Sexiest Woman Alive October 2, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Sports, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.
4 comments

 — In what has developed into an ongoing topic here at HC, it looks like Posh Spice and her knockers were out again last week in the produce section.  Now I know that her husband, soccer star David Beckham, just lost his spot on the English national team, but are they that hard up for money that they are in the smuggling business?  And if you were going to smuggle something for a profit, wouldn’t you chose something less obvious and more profitable than 2 enormous melons?  Maybe the melon market is different in other countries than it is here, but I can go to my local grocery store and buy a cantaloupe or honeydew for a couple bucks.  I guess the Brits have a love for melons that rivals their disdain for orthodontics.

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— Although it really has nothing to do with anything recent, some pictures of Natalie Portman’s nipple surfaced from the movie Closer.  I find this interesting because just a couple months ago she discussed how she wouldn’t appear nude in any of her movies.  And since she has already appeared nude (not really nude, but a nip slip counts for something), I think she now falls under the “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” category.  You know what I think is funny about her?  She probably has the smallest boobs in Hollywood that people are actually clamoring to see.

 natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-03.jpg     natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-04.jpg     natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-05.jpg     natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-06.jpg

  — In the latest issue of Esquire magazine, hitting newsstands on October 18th, Scarlett Johansson is voted Sexiest Woman Alive.  What I don’t get is that the magazine describes her in the pictures (shown below) as an “enigmatic trailer-park temptress.”  What does that even mean?  If anyone should be described as trailer-park, it’s my girl Britney Spears and her Walmart-feet.  Anyway, the more I read about Scarlett, the more I don’t know how anyone can not like her.  When asked about all of the attention to her curves and hourglass figure, she says

“What about my brain? What about my heart? What about my kidneys and my gallbladder?”  

Later in the article, she also talks about how in making a sign to carry while photographed by the paparazzi, she wrote “The person taking this picture is harassing me,” but misspelled harass.   Could she be anymore down-to-earth?  And could her jugs be anymore fantastic?  Here are some pictures from the magazine so you don’t have to be a douche and go out and buy it.

scarlett-johansson-sexiest-01.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-02.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-03.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-04.jpg    

scarlett-johansson-sexiest-05.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-06.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-07.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-08.jpg

— And lastly, there is a great clip on YouTube of Denis Leary drunk and out of control at a recent Red Sox game.  Now you might be wondering why this is anything new for Denis Leary and I have the explanation.  Leary is hammered during the Red Sox broadcast on the air and discusses such things as Jewish baseball players on the Red Sox, Mel Gibson’s rehab, and the possibility of an all Jewish infield for the Red Sox.  Since today is Yom Kippur, I found this clip especially (in)appropriate.

HC

Lindsay sans bra, Kate with her bikini, and a little Tennis fo’ yo ass September 11, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, John Travolta, Kate Hudson, Lindsay Lohan, Maria Sharapova, Sports.
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 — As the weeks go by, I guess nothing about these young celebrities should surprise us anymore.  Lindsay Lohan seems to have gone to the Paris Hilton school of marketing because whether forgetting to wear panties as you get off a boat in Venice or going bra-less while wearing your see-through shirt as you walk down the street in LA, those two will stop at nothing to get their names in headlines every week.  Next thing you know, Jessica Simpson will be doing naked cartwheels in Times Square (if her dad’s lucky) or Scarlett Johansson will be riding a motorcycle over the Snake River naked just to steal the headlines from those two.  So as I’ve alluded to, Lindsay decided to continue her rebellion against underwear by walking the streets in a see-through shirt sans bra.  My favorite part of the outfit, besides the obvious, is the black fedora.  Who wears hats like that anymore??  Did she just get finished filming a remake to Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal?  What confuses me the most about this girl is that I can’t tell if she is doing all of these things on purpose.  Is this a concerted effort to prove to the world that she is the sluttiest 20-year old on the planet?  Or is she just a damn fool that gets too much attention for accomplishing VERY LITTLE.  I’m going with option A, because I can’t believe anyone with that kind of money would have hired ALL idiots to work with her.  I guess all I’m proving is that, for the 838th time, I tend to give people entirely too much credit.

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 — I found some new bikini pictures, and since they didn’t involve Lindsay, I felt compelled to post them.  Kate Hudson decided to bring out her stripity-striped bikini and head to the beach.  Damn she has a nice body.  That hippie-haired guy in that band we never hear anymore needs to do everything he can do to hold on to that.  He’ll clearly never do any better.  Too bad she’s not “stupid” enough to walk around without panties or generally make an ass out of herself on a consistent basis or we’d see her here on HC more often.  Since she doesn’t, I have to take advantage of what I get.  I threw in a picture from Almost Famous just in case you’d forgotten about her many talents.

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 — Speaking of hotties, look at the one on the left in this picture:

travolta-hairspray.jpg     john_travolta_kissing_guy.jpg

WTF you might ask?  It’s Johnny Travolta and I know it’s for his role as Edna Turnblad in Hairspray, but after you get photographed kissing a guy just a couple weeks ago people start to question everything you do.  People like me.  So this is what I think, I think he’s a flaming douche-bag and that Scientology is making him dress like a woman and kiss men to try to take some of the heat off of Tom Cruise.  Only time will tell whether my theory is correct.

 — And one last sports note.  I don’t know if anyone watched the Women’s US Open final on Saturday night — I flicked it on during the Ohio State – Texas massacre — and holy crap am I going to start watching more women’s tennis.  Yes, I already knew that Maria Sharapova was a stone-cold fox, but did anyone catch her at the US Open?  She has to be one of the hottest women in sports and she actually has some talent, enough talent to win 2 Grand Slams. 

 _42069720_sharapovagetty_body.jpg     ms1.jpg     ms3.jpg

HC

NFL Preview – NFC North, NFC West, AFC East, AFC North September 7, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Football, Sports.
1 comment so far

Well, as some of you may have noticed, I was doing some previews of each NFL division over the past couple of weeks.  And, you also may have noticed that I haven’t posted one in weeks.  Now instead of calling me names like “Slack-ass” and “Stupid piece of crap” maybe you should be happy for the half of the league I did review.  Greedy bastards.  Well, I decided that since the beginning of the season is upon us in just a couple hours, it would be appropriate for me to actually finish my reviews.  For the sake of time though, I’m just going to do a quick recap of each division just so you know what’s going on.  Like I actually know myself.

NFC North– The NFC’s northern division will once again be dominated by the Chicago Bears and their top-notch defense.  I loved the way the Bears approached the draft this year: if they couldn’t get a top notch offensive talent they weren’t going to waste it.  So what did they do?  They drafted almost exclusively defense to make their top-ranked defense even more potent.  Expect a lot of 10-3 games at Solider Field this year.  Next up should be the improving Minnesota Vikings.  After last year’s ‘Sex Boat’ scandal you can expect new coach Brad Childress to install some discipline on this team.  The additions of new RB Chester Taylor and All-Pro Guard Steve Hutchinson should help this team put some points on the board.  Bringing up the rear of the division will be the Detroit Lions and the Green Bay Packers.  The Lions have been in complete disarray the past several years under the guidance of GM Matt Millen and the addition of Offensive Coordinator Mike Martz won’t help the situation.  After blowing draft picks on Joey Harrington (traded to Miami), Charles Rogers (cut), and Mike Williams (currently their 5th WR), the Lions have no depth and no direction.  This isn’t the year they turn it around.  As for the Packers, hopefully this is Brett Favre’s swansong.  He came back to a team hurting for talent on both sides of the ball, but like a fat girl at the prom, he’s just happy to be there.  The 2 biggest questions for the Pack will be if Favre throws fewer INTs than TDs this year and if they can win as many games as his jersey number – 4.  For you non-football peeps, that’s not good.

Predicted Records:  Chicago Bears  11-5,  Minnesota Vikings  8-8,  Detroit Lions  5-11,  Green Bay Packers  4-12

NFC West– This is another division that should be dominated again by last year’s division winner.  The Seattle Seahawks made it all the way to the Super Bowl last year, and no one in their division should stand in their way of making the playoffs again this year.  Although the loss of Steve Hutchinson will hurt the offense, the additions of Nate Burleson and 2-time Pro-Bowl LB Julian Peterson should more than make up for that loss on the other side of the ball.  The only team in the NFC West with a chance to unseat the Seahawks is the St. Louis Rams.  Now that the Mike Martz experiment has failed and Martz has been pawned off on Detroit, the Rams should be able to field an extremely talented offense led by the threesome of QB Marc Bulger, RB Steven Jackson, and WR Torry Holt.  If Bulger can get some protection and time to throw the ball and if Jackson can run effectively, the Rams could push the Seahawks in the division and should definitely contend for the Wild card.  Vying for third in the West is the vastly improved Arizona Cardinals.  Behind the guidance of new head coach Dennis Green and with the key addition of All-Pro RB Edgerrin James, the Cardinals’ offense should be one of the best in the league.  Pairing James with WRs Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin has tons of potential, but the question mark will still be on the health of QB Kurt Warner.  A healthy Warner could lead to a wild card berth, but an injury early on will force rookie QB Matt Leinart into action and another sub-par season.  Bringing up the rear of the division, as they have the past 2 years, will be the San Francisco 49ers.  Once one of the top franchises in the league, the 49ers have fallen all the way to the bottom of the league, turning dynasty to disaster.  Without some radical changes, they don’t look to be moving up anytime soon.  The only bright spot for the 49ers should be RB Frank Gore who is finally healthy and looks primed for a breakout season.

Predicted Records:  Seattle Seahawks  12-4,  St. Louis Rams  8-8,  Arizona Cardinals  7-9,  San Francisco 49ers  4-12

AFC East – Now on to the AFC’s eastern division.  This should be a 2-team race between the steady New England Patriots and the upstart Miami Dolphins.  Some of the Patriots losses could have a huge impact on the race though.  Losing PK Adam Vinatieri and LB Willie McGinnist will have a huge impact on the team both on the field and in the locker room.  The holdout of their top WR Deion Branch also doesn’t help the offense, but they still have the best field general in the league when it comes to leading his team to the ultimate prize in February, so my money is still on NE.  Hot on their tails will be the Miami Dolphins who finally realized that incompetence at the QB position does not win championships.  For the first time since Dan Marino retired in 2000, the Dolphins have some talent at QB that will help them win games.  Along with Nick Saban’s coaching talent and the always talented defense, Miami is primed to reappear in the playoff race this year.  Battling to bring up the rear of the division will be the Buffalo Bills and the New York Jets — as was the case last year.  Buffalo’s biggest off-season acquisition was none of their own work, but the work of science, as star LB Takeo Spikes comes back from injury to stiffen up their defense.  Their offense is still full of questions, but RB Willis McGahee is showing the speed and burst that he had in Miami before his horrific knee injury in the Orange Bowl.  J P Losman is still a liability at QB, but this is his year to put up or shut up before he finds himself sharing a tent with Ricky Williams in 2007.  The NY Jets have issues on both sides of the ball and after looking closely at their schedule, I only see about 5 games they even have a chance to win.  With their disarray at the QB position and the uncertainty at RB, their offense will be lucky to score 14 pts a game, and they definitely don’t have the defense to stop anyone.  J-E-T-S?  Suck.  Suck.  Suck.

Predicted Records:  New England Patriots  11-5,  Miami Dolphins  10-6,  Buffalo Bills  5-11,  New York Jets  5-11

AFC North – And finally on to the division with our defending Super Bowl champion.  Pittsburgh should still be solid, but the health of both QB Ben Rothlisberger and WR Hines Ward will have a huge effect on their offense.  Their defense should still be solid, but I don’t know if that will be enough to hold off the extremely talented squad from Cincinnati.  With QB Carson Palmer looking healthy and a receiving corps that is loaded from top to bottom – both on and off the field – the Bengals will be a tough team to beat if than can keep themselves out of the big house.  One question for the Bengals though: with such a defensive minded head coach in Marvin Lewis, why hasn’t the defense shown up yet?  Maybe this will be the year.  As far as the rest of the division, count me as one that thinks the Steve McNair pick-up by the Baltimore Ravens was like using a band-aid to fix a severed leg.  I don’t see anyway that even a healthy McNair can lead this offense to a winning record, and healty is a big “if” for Air McNair.  Plus on defense, S Ed Reed is still a monster in the middle, but LB Ray Lewis looks to be a step slower and they just aren’t the powerhouse they were when the won the Super Bowl 5 years ago.  Bringing up the rear of the division this year will bethe Cleveland Browns.  With Charlie Frye at QB – Who?!? – Reuben Droughns at RB, oft-injured Kellen Winslow Jr. at TE and Braylon Edwards at WR, the Browns have some talent on offense, but I just don’t see one stand-out player on that offense that puts any fear into a defense.  LB Willie McGinnist will help on defense, but he’s only one out of eleven, so I wouldn’t count on a big change.

Predicted Records:  Cincinnati Bengals  12-4,  Pittsburgh Steelers  11-5,  Baltimore Ravens  7-9,  Cleveland Browns  6-10

HC

Fat Feats – Top Ten Sports Fat Asses August 28, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Baseball, Basketball, Football, Sports.
2 comments

There are a million Top 10 lists out there, but those have all been for athletes and athletic accomplishments that we couch potatoes could never achieve.  Well, that needs to change.  There need to be lists out there of things we can accomplish.  So to kick off this phenomenon, I’m doing my own list, a list of fat bastards who still made significant achievements in the sporting world. 

11. (Honorable Mention) – Phil “Bitch-tits” Mickelson– 6′-2″, 190 lb – 225 lb – Now I know I said this was a top 10 list, but I thought this was the perfect spot for Phil.  His weight has fluctuated up and down the past several years bringing him in and out of contention for a spot on this list.  Currently he sits on the outside looking in, but last year when he won the Masters he had a full set of D cups bouncing around.  Once known as the “best golfer not to have won a major”, Phil finally won his first major in 47 tries by winning the 2004 Masters.  He followed that up with victories at the 2005 PGA Championship and the 2006 Masters.  Phil – leave the gym and eat a chili cheese dog.  We want you back.

10. William “Refrigerator” Perry – 6′-2″, 370 lb – The nickname alone tells you that this former Chicago Bears defensive tackle was one huge guy.  Looking more like ‘Fat Bastard’ from Austin Powers than a football player, Perry is known mainly for scoring a touchdown as a rookie in Super Bowl XX and for the gap in his teeth that you could fit a hamburger through.  After his Super Bowl success, Perry really made it big by having a GI Joe action figure designed after him.  The remainder of Perry’s career was relatively quiet as he played in just 138 games over an 11 year career in the NFL.  The Fridge was a beast and paved the way for future great fat asses to show up at training camp 95 pounds overweight.  (e.g. Larry Allen, #8 below).

9.  Sebastian “Fat-foot” Janikowski – 6’2″, 250 lb– The Polish Pork-chop has been a fixture on the Oakland Raiders the past 5 seasons as their place kicker and resident jailbird.  Having been arrested multiple times for offenses such as assault, bribery of a cop, and possession of GHB Seabass’ off-the-field record has overshadowed his on-the-field performance.  Janikowski was the nation’s top kicker in his final 2 seasons at Florida State and has ranked in the top half of the league his entire career in the NFL — except of course when he was sidelined in 2001 for “cellulitis of the foot”!  Fat-Foot?!?!  Who knew that was even real until that ran on the NFL injury reports.  Janikowski makes me proud of my Polish roots.  A lesser fat ass would have been deported by now.

8.  Larry Allen – 6′-3″, 325 – 360 lbs– Allen was an anchor of the Dallas Cowboy’s offensive line for the past 12 years before leaving in free agency to join the San Francisco 49ers this past off-season.  Known for his enormous size and strength (he has benched 700 lbs, squatted 900 lbs, and is the reigning Strongman champion in the NFL), Allen is also well-known for his enormous appetite (he has been known to eat an entire large pizza and drink a 2-liter of cola before games) and sweat stains (thanks to John Madden’s telestrator).  His appetite and excessive sweating ability hasn’t kept him from succeeding though as he’s been to 10 Pro Bowls and been voted All-Pro 8 times.  He should have retired as a Cowboy, but I’m not telling him that to his face unless I’m armed with a giant bucket of chicken and a liter ‘o cola.

7.  Cecil “Big Daddy” Fielder – 6′-3″, 240 lb – 270 lb– A power hitter in the ‘deadball’ era, Fielder hit 51 home-runs in 1990 becoming, at the time, only the 11th player to hit over 50 home runs in a season and only the 2nd in the past 25 years to accomplish that feat.  Never a slim man, Fielder’s weight fluctuated throughout his career, but he reached his peak fighting weight as he helped the New York Yankees reach and win the World Series in 1996.  A 3-time All-Star, Fielder gets bonus points for having a son (Prince Fielder) who weighs close to 3 bills and is the starting first baseman for the Milwaukee Brewers.  God bless the American League’s designated hitter for paving the way for fat asses like Cecil and Big Papi Ortiz.

6.  David “Boomer” Wells – 6′-3″, 230 lb – 260 lb – Wells, who currently pitches for the Boston Red Sox, has bounced around the league bringing his unique personality and drinking prowess to each team he’s been to.  Wells has pitched for 18 seasons, accumulating 227 wins, 3 All Star selections, and was the MVP of the 1998 ALCS.  He is probably best known for wearing an actual Babe Ruth hat when he pitched his perfect game in 1998.  It has also been told that he drank a pitcher of beer in between each inning of that game too.  God I hope that’s true.  I try to replicate that feat every time I watch an Astros game.

5.  Shaquille O’Neal – 7′-1″, 315 lb – 345 lb – A 4-time NBA Champion with the LA Lakers and Miami Heat, O’Neal has been a beast in the middle for the past decade.  As the 1st pick overall in the 1992 NBA draft out of LSU, O’Neal was barely pushing 300 lbs but as his weight has grown, so have the accolades.  A 3-time Finals MVP with the Lakers, O’Neal was the 1999 League MVP, 12 time All-Star, and voted one of the Top 50 players in the NBA.  He’s also broadened his career with his rapper alias ‘Shaq Diesel’ and the classic film ‘Kazaam’.  Lately Shaq has even begun taking the beginnings of seasons off to get in shape so that he has to work as little as possible but can still excel during the playoffs.  We can all hope that one day we’re in a position to negotiate a contract allowing us to skip the first third of the work day so we don’t have to strain ourselves later.

4.  George Foreman – 6′-3″, 217 lb – 250 lb – The weight change in George Foreman didn’t just take place over a couple years, but over the 20 years in between the 2 times he held the boxing Heavyweight title.  Originally a gold medalist in the 1968 Olympics, Foreman first won the title in 1973 over Joe Frazier.  He didn’t win it again until 1994 when at age 45 he was outboxed for 10 rounds until he connected with a devastating right hook and knocked out Michael Moorer.  Now more well-known for selling tires and electric grills, the robust Foreman hasn’t missed many meals since his career started almost 40 years ago.  He is a fatty helping average joes meet their full-fat potential.  You already had several ways to cook a burger (your grill or frying pan, etc…), but Foreman found a way to do it faster.  That extra minute you stand around waiting for the other side of the burger to brown is a minute of calorie absorption wasted.

3.    Charles “The Round Mound of Rebound” Barkley – Listed @ 6′-6″, 250 lb, Closer to 6′-4″, 300lb – One of the best power forwards to play the game, Barkley earned a reputation for saying and doing whatever he wanted on and off the court.  A tireless worker on the court, he didn’t have the best work ethic off of it, resulting in his ballooning at the end of his career.  A 2 time gold medalist, member of the NBA top 50 players and MVP of the 1993 NBA season, Barkley was never one to turn away from a microphone with classics like:

“I don’t care what people think.  People are stupid.”

Charles Barkley: “I’m so sick of fat people.”
Kenny Smith: “Why? You can’t live with yourself?”
Barkley: “First of all, they killed Oreos.  You know they can’t make the Double-Stuff Oreos anymore because fat people can’t keep their mouths shut.  Now they’re killing the McDonald’s super-size.  Can you believe that?  Just because fat people are lazy and don’t work out and can’t keep their mouths shut, they have to ruin it for everybody.  They’ll probably kill ice cream next! Is that my fault they can’t stop eating?  I’m so sick of these fat people suing these companies.  Stop eating!”

and my personal favorite:

Greg Gumbel: ” Happy St Patrick’s Day”.
Barkley: “Great. Another reason for the Irish to go out and drink.”

I can’t wait to vote for him for President.

2.  “Big” John Daly – 5′-11″, 220 lb – 250 lb – Known as one of the longest drivers on tour for the past 15 years, Daly has earned a reputation for living life fast and hard in every sense of the word.  A 2-time major winner, Daly won the PGA Championship in 1991, his rookie season, and followed that up with a British Open Championship in 1995 at St. Andrews.  Since then, his life has been full of ups and downs, mostly downs though with excessive gambling, drinking, smoking, and mullet-wearing.  He admits to losing over $50 million gambling and only puts his cigarettes down to tee off.  Daly is everything sports shouldn’t be, and we love him for it.

1.  George “Babe” Ruth – 6′-2″, 215 lb – 270 lb –  Arguably the greatest baseball player of all time, he was the 1st player in baseball history to hit 20, 30, 40, 50, and 60 home-runs.  He also set the home-run record at 60 home-runs, which stood for 34 years until it was broken by Roger Maris in 1961.  But, some of his greatest feats took place, not on the playing field, but at the local diner.  Ruth was once said to have eaten 24 hot dogs in one sitting, and that was between the 2 games of a double header.  He was also said to have gone to Coney Island one morning and eaten 4 Porterhouse steaks, 8 hot dogs, and drank 8 sodas just as a pregame snack.  With those eating skills and hitting his last home run at a stout 270 lbs, Ruth reigns supreme of Fat Athletes.

HC

Lindsay makes more cash and K-Fed still sucks August 25, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan, Sports.
1 comment so far

 — File this away under “How does this bitch keep making money with no discernable talents, giant jumblies, and a firecrotch?”  Well maybe it has something to do with the jumblies.  Anyway, Lindsay Lohan is selling her West Hollywood condo for $2.85 million after buying it for $1.9 million just last year.  And here’s the real kicker, she never moved in!  Who blows that kind of money on a house and never moves in?  The type of girl that would blow MacGuyver if that got her into a club faster — that’s who.  The reason she never moved in is because she’s been living at the posh Chateau Marmont hotel for the past 9 months.  I’m sure her activities included sitting on the beach and throwing DVD release parties for Herbie 4 – Herbie is a Tin Can from Mexico.  By my rough calculations, which are very rough because I get confused by the 99 bottles of beer song, I bet she has spent close to $150,000 on her hotel and looks to make close to a million bucks on her unused condo.  If she makes that kind of cash for doing pretty much nothing, why is she always wearing that potato sack?  Anyway, as far as the house goes at least all prospective buyers will know that if the house is anything like the girl, the carpet will match the drapes.

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 — Poor K-Fed.  Not only is he getting eaten out of house and home by his Chunky Monkey for a wife, but his career is going nowhere too.  What’s new about that you might ask?  Well, after having to produce his own album because he was told the Wiggles had more talent, he some how landed a gig at last week’s Teen Choice awards.  In true K-Fed fashion he felt the need to prove his lack of talent to the world and sing his new single, “Lose Control”.  Now I know you thought Paris Hilton was a talentless whore, and I’m not disagreeing, but at least she is easy on the eyes.  K-Fed is just a douche bag who hit the lottery by marrying a Louisiana hick who might just be stupider than he is.  At the show, his song predictably bombed and to top it off, no one even wanted to come to his after party.  A source said:

“After everyone saw Kevin’s performance, no one wanted to be stuck having to pretend it was good.”

My guess as to why no one showed up?  Not because of K-Fed’s lack of talent but because they were worried they would get injured in the melee of Britney charging the buffet table.

 — I don’t know how many of you out there read the Sports Guy at ESPN, but his latest article is one of his funniest.  Just a couple tidbits:

Q: Was I the only one expecting Josh Blue to pull off the Keyser Soze “straightening walk” after he won “Last Comic Standing,” as a stunned Anthony Clark drops his coffee?
–Frank B., Bethlehem, Pa.

SG: The only one who’s headed to hell? Or the only one, period?

Q: What do you think your daughter’s nickname is going to be on the 2023 edition of “Flavor of Love?”
–Matt D., New York

SG: Orphan

Utterly Fantastic. 
HC

NFL Preview – AFC West August 23, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Football, Sports.
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So it’s back to NFL previews, and this week we are starting with the AFC West.  Full of teams with plenty of potential, the AFC West has 3 teams that could potentially win the division and one team that is in line to have the first choice in the Brady Quinn / Adrian Peterson sweepstakes.

AFC West Review (Ranked by Predicted Record)

1.  Denver Broncos –(Predicted: 11-5) – After a season where they made it to the AFC Championship game on the arm of Jake Plummer and the legs of Tatum Bell and Ron Dayne, the Broncos look to make it to the Super Bowl this year, again relying on the arm of Plummer and on the legs of Bell.  However, this time it might not be Tatum Bell, the 2nd round draft pick out of Oklahoma State, but undrafted rookie Mike Bell out of the University of Arizona.  As the newly appointed starter, Mike Bell looks to be the next in a long line of 1,000-yard rushers in the Denver backfield and carry the Broncos to the next level.  It is still questionable whether Mike Bell will remain the starting RB in Denver.  With competition from Tatum Bell and former Heisman trophy winner Ron Dayne, he might not be able to hold on to the top spot.  The Denver running game has long been the staple for their success, but the addition of former Pro-Bowl WR Javon Walker will add to their passing offense.  It’s also questionable if Denver’s defense (who made no major additions in the off-season) will be able to stop anyone come January.  You can depend on the frequent snowstorms at your stadium and score 50 points a game, but it doesn’t matter when your opponents score 51. 

2.  Kansas City Chiefs – (Predicted: 9-7) – We all know that KC can run the ball.  In the recent past the’ve featured prolific ball carriers Priest Holmes and last year’s surprise star Larry Johnson, but can they do anything else?  Even with the loss of OT Willie Roaf, Larry Johnson should still be a fantasy and rushing stud as he’ll push the 2,000-yard mark for the next several seasons.  The Cheifs have struggled through on the other side of the ball.  Will the addition of defensive minded head coach Herm Edwards help a defense that has ranked in the bottom third of the league the past 4 years running?  In addition to the new blood at the helm, the Chiefs also added star CB Ty Law to play along 2nd-year LB Derrick Johnson, so their defense should be on the upswing, but with no major additions on offense, I don’t see the Chiefs overtaking the Broncos this year.

3.  San Diego Chargers – (Predicted: 9-7) – On a team that finished 9-7 last year, but finished 1-3 in their last 4 games, what do you think the best move would be?  Release your Pro-Bowl QB in exchange for a 3rd year QB who has only thrown 30 passes in the NFL?  I didn’t think so, but that is exactly what this team, formerly on the cusp, did.  Philip Rivers may turn out to be a Pro-Bowler in his own right, but besides the money factor I don’t understand how you just let a solid QB like Drew Brees walk away.  I guess Marty Schottenheimer knows a lot more than I do.  Actually who doesn’t?  Anyway, the Chargers still have offensive stars in Ladanian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates, but the void of experience at QB scares me.  I don’t think they get over the playoff hump this year.

4.  Oakland Raiders – (Predicted: 3-13) – I don’t know how a team could go from making the Super Bowl in 2002 to only winning 14 games over the last 4 years.  And no, that isn’t a typo.  The Raiders have only won 14 games over the last 4 years — less than the Houston Texans, less than the 49ers, and even less than that garbage in Cleveland.  Will they turn it around this year?  Hell no.  If Al Davis is constructing this team, he must have gone completely senile several years ago.  Their best free agent pickup this year….Aaron Brooks.  Now the only reason you might know who Aaron Brooks is, is because he’s well known in fantasy football circles for having decent season stats that are loaded with 2 or 3 game amazing performances and 13 to 14 games of stinkers.  Is that who you want leading your team into the season?  Of course not, but on the plus side, they do have a cocky receiver in Randy Moss, and they released their best cover cornerback, Charles Woodson.  Oh, those aren’t good things.  Hello Raiders, you are currently on the clock for the 1st draft pick of 2007.

HC

NFL Preview – NFC South August 16, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Football, Sports.
1 comment so far

So, as we march on through the NFL preseason, I am marching on through my review of all of the NFL divisions.  Last week I went through the AFC South and NFC East, and this week I’m starting off with the NFC South.  Several teams in this division are on the rise, but will they just end up beating each other up?  On a side note for you fellow fantasy football addicts, my review on the NFC East could be way off if Clinton Portis’ injury from last night keeps him out of any games this season.  Injuries like that — he was tackling a defensive back returning an INT — on a meaning less play could make a huge impact on the upcoming season.  Hopefully he comes back in the next couple of weeks.

NFC South Review (Ranked by Predicted Record)

1.  Carolina Panthers – (Predicted: 12-4) – After losing in the NFC Championship game last year to the Seattle Seahawks and losing by a field goal to the Patriots 3 years ago, the Panthers should be up to the challenge of making it to the big game this year.  By adding a key-possession WR in the form of Keyshawn Johnson to play with All-World WR Steve Smith, the Panthers hope to improve their offense from the bottom half of the league last year.  Another improvement they made to the offense was adding rookie RB DeAngelo Williams out of the University of Memphis who led the nation in rushing last season with nearly 2,000 yards.  Now with an improved offense to mirror their third-ranked defense, the Panthers should be able to control the NFC South and power into the playoffs. 

2.  Tampa Bay Buccaneers – (Predicted: 9-7) – With a youth movement driving the offense but an aging defense, the Bucs are at a crossroads as they try to remain among the elite in their conference.  With an 11-5 record last year including a healthy 5-1 record in their division, the Bucs had a successful season.  But, when your best defenders (Simeon Rice, Derrick Brooks, Anthony “Booger” McFarland, and Ronde Barber) have played a total of 41 seasons in the league you know your defense is on it’s last legs.  By drafting 3 offensive players with their first 3 picks, their defense definitely didn’t get any younger, but with a rejuvenated offense with young stars at all key offensive positions (QB – Chris Simms, RB – Cadillac Williams, & WR – Michael Clayton), the Bucs are buoying their time on top.  After winning the Super Bowl in the 2002 season, the Bucs missed the playoffs two straight years before winning the division last year, so which team will show up this year?  As always, the health of key starters (Clayton and Williams both missed games last year) will play the key role in the Buccaneers success this year.

3.  Atlanta Falcons – (Predicted: 8-8) – For a team that finished last season 2-6 following a promising 6-2 start, the Falcons made too few changes in their roster to expect any significant improvement.  The Falcons have consistently relied on their power running game and an above-average defense, and they will again have to once again depend on these assets this year.  By not bringing in any new help for Michael Vick and the 27th ranked passing offense in the league, it looks like the Falcons will once again have to rely on his play-making ability to move the ball.  There are a few notable additions: the Falcons brought in veterans John Abraham and Lawyer Milloy who along defensive standouts CB DeAngelo Hall and DE Patrick Kerney will definitely solidify their defense.  Will this be enough to make them competitive with the top-tier teams in the league, much less their division?  My guess is no.

4.  New Orleans Saints – (Predicted: 6-10) – After hovering around 8 and 9 wins for several years, the Saints plummeted to the bottom of the league with a 3-13 record last season.  Of course, we all remember the pictures from Hurricane Katrina and the hardships that entire region went through in the last 12 months, so never being able to play at home, much less spend a night in your own bed all season had a dramatic effect on the team.  Now the team is armed with the #2 overall pick in the draft, uber-back Reggie Bush.  When you throw newcomer QB Drew Brees and a healthy Deuce McAllister into the mix, they are definitely on the road back to respectability.  With a team that mirrors a city in rebuilding mode they are putting the pieces in place to be able to have a very competitive team in the near future, just not this year.

HC

NFL Preview – NFC East August 11, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Football, Sports.
3 comments

Next up on the preview trail is probably the toughest division in the NFL this season, the NFC East.  In a division that is loaded with talent and new faces, the team that comes out on top of this division will definitely be battle tested.  Not only will the division winner make the playoffs, I think both Wild Card teams will come out of this division too.

NFC East Review (Ranked by predicted record)

1.  Washington Redskins (Prediction: 12-4) – The Redskins finished the 2005 season on a huge roll by winning their last 5 straight games and look to continue this success in the 2006 season.  With the additions of WRs Brandon Lloyd and Antwaan Randle El, the Redskins should be able to stretch the field more for star RB Clinton Portis who finished last season with 7 straight 100 yd rushing performances.  But the biggest addition to the Redskins offense will never see the field in 2006: offensive guru / coach Al Saunders.  Saunders previously coached some of the most explosive rushing attacks in the league at Kansas City and will surely bring this successful system to Washington.  Along with defensive coordinator Gregg Williams the Redskins will be tough to stop on both sides of the field.

2.  New York Giants (Prediction: 11-5) – Last year’s division champs will follow up their 11-5 record last year with…an 11-5 record.  Their offense is downright scary with a maturing Eli Manning, a stud RB in Tiki Barber (not in a fantasy sense though, he just doesn’t score enough TDs and will probably score even fewer this year), one of the top 3 TEs in the league with resident loud-mouth Jeremy Shockey, and a great one-two punch of WRs with Plaxico Burress and the aging Amani Toomer.  I wonder how well this offense will play when on the field though.  With one of the 3 hardest schedules in the league, the Giants’ offense missed a chance to gain some chemistry this past summer when Shockey and Plaxico opted to work out on their own in Miami instead of working in camp with Manning and the rest of the team.  Will this have an effect on timing routes and the offense?  Only time will tell.  On the defensive side they made huge improvements.  By adding LaVar Arrington and Sam Madison to a group that already included Michael Strahan, Osi Umenyiora, and Antonio Pierce, the Giants could have 5 Pro Bowlers on that side of the ball. 

3.  Dallas Cowboys (Prediction: 10-6) – Bill Parcells has only himself to live up to this season since he has been to the Super Bowl in his 4th season at a team every time he has coached somewhere that long.  Along with the addition of resident QB-basher Terrell Owens, the Cowboys added one of the best kickers in the league in Mike Vanderjagt (although one of the least clutch) and OT Jason Fabini.  Expectations in Big D are extremely high this year, but I’m not sure if I agree with those sentiments.  Although Owens was a huge acquisition and a possibly huge headache to boot, I don’t think he is that significant an upgrade over Keyshawn Johnson.  He is definitely a game breaker, but I’m not sure if the headaches will be worth it and he still doesn’t provide them with any more depth than they had last year.  Behind Owens and Glenn, the remaining WRs only have a total of 38 catches.  But, if TO is on his best behavior, he could bring a swagger that they’ve been lacking in Big D for years.  The question still remains if Julius Jones can stay healthy and if their defense can stop some people this year.

4.  Philadelphia Eagles (Prediction: 7-9) – Well, no matter how their season finishes this year, I think Donovan McNabb will have a lot less stress on him.  In a TO-free season, Donovan will look to prove that he can once again lead the Eagles into playoffs as he had the four seasons prior to last year.  The problem is though, his best receiver is probably 2nd year veteran Reggie Brown who is just one among the cast of characters competing for catches.  The best receiver on the team may very well not even be a receiver but a running back.  Brian Westbrook will once again be the focal point of the offense, but the question, as always, will be if he can carry the load of a full season.  Westbrook has never completed a full season in his 4 year career and is backed up by oft-injured Correll Buckhalter and inexperienced Ryan Moats so depth at running back is definitely a concern for head coach Andy Reid.  Their defense, led by Jevon Kearse and Jeremiah Trotter, will be stout as always, but in such a difficult division, will they be able to hold down the fort the entire season?  My money says no.

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HC

NFL Preview – AFC South August 8, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Football, Sports.
4 comments

With the first preseason game held this past weekend, I think it’s time for my first annual NFL preview.  I’m going to review all of the teams division by division, starting with the AFC South since that’s where my hometown team resides.  So if you are looking for another see-thru dress from Jessica Simpson or another Tara Reid nip-slip, you’ll have to wait a couple days but, if you need a little football fix, here you go.

AFC South Review (Ranked by predicted record)

1.  Indianapolis Colts – (Prediction: 12-4) – Indianapolis is still the cream of the crop of the AFC’s southern division.  Having finished 14-2 last season and having won the division the past 3 years, the Colts have had a stranglehold on the division crown, but with the loss of star running back Edgerrin James and defensive standouts David Thorton and Larry Tripplett, the Colts might fall back to the pack some this year.  But anytime you can line up all-world QB Peyton Manning with Pro-Bowl WRs Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne you will always have one of the most explosive offenses in the league.  One area they did improve upon was special teams.  They added one of the most clutch players in NFL history, kicker Adam Vinatieri, and by doing so weakened one of their closest rivals, the New England Patriots.  One of the biggest questions coming into camp is competition for Edgerrin James vacated starting RB spot.  Former 1,000 yard rusher Dominic Rhodes seems to be the early leader, but injuries and inconsistency have derailed him in the past.  Pushing him hard is LSU rookie Joseph Addai who has shown an excellent work ethic and polished blocking skills early in camp.  This is the key position battle for fantasy footballers to watch because the Colts, as always, will put a ton of points up on the scoreboard.  My bet is Rhodes starts the season, but Addai takes over after their bye week in week 7 against the Redskins at home.  Even with all of the personnel changes, the Colts should still cruise to their 4th straight division title and a bye in the 1st round of the playoffs.

2.  Jacksonville Jaguars – (Prediction: 9-7) – Jacksonville finished a close second to the Colts last year with a record of 12-4 but will have a significant drop-off this year and most likely miss the playoffs.  Jacksonville benefited from an easy schedule last year that ended with 4 out of 5 games against cellar-dwellers Cleveland, San Francisco, Houston, and Tennessee.  Jacksonville also had a knack for staying in and winning close games last year, winning 8 games by 7 points or less.  That isn’t much room for error in a division where the bottom teams have made significant strides to be more competitive.  This year, their schedule is brutal, starting with Pittsburgh, Dallas, Indianapolis and Washington.  The Jags will be lucky to start 2-2 but 1-3 is much more likely and that would be a difficult hole to climb out of so early in the season.  Some reasons for hope for Jacksonville fans are the reported health of RB “Fragile” Freddy Taylor who reported to camp in great shape and 10 lbs under his weight from last year , but he promptly tweaked his hamstring and sat out of practice.  The big question mark for the Jaguar offense this season is at receiver.  With the retirement of All-Pro Jimmy Smith, the Jags are left with youngsters Matt Jones, Ernest Willford and Reggie Williams to fight for the #1 spot.  The problem is though, they are all #3 receivers, not #1’s, so the offense could struggle.  But as always, their young, hard-hitting defense will keep them in games and keep the games close. 

3.  Houston Texans – (Prediction: 6-10) – The Texans are coming off their worst season in franchise history, finishing 2-14 and getting the first pick in the NFL draft.  The Texans then departed from conventional logic and picked DE Mario Williams with the first pick, passing up the human highlight reel, Reggie Bush and hometown hero Vince Young.  New coach Gary Kubiak and GM Rick Smith are both counting on Williams’ impact on a defense that ranked near or at the bottom of the league in almost every category last year.  They are also hoping to get help from the additions of free agents Anthony Weaver and ND Kalu as well as from 2nd round pick DeMeco Ryans.  They also bolstered their beleaguered offensive line that gave up 68 sacks last season with the additions of free agent Mike Flanagan and 3rd round picks Eric Winston and Charles Spencer.  By passing up on Young and resigning David Carr to a 3-year extension, we will see if former NFL QB Gary Kubiak can bring some confidence and swagger to Carr who hasn’t done much in his NFL career besides being a well paid tackling dummy.  Will Kubiak’s zone run blocking along with the addition of WR Eric Moulds make this a competitive team?  I think it will and I expect a big season from David Carr and from WR Andre Johnson who will return to Pro Bowl form with a legitimate threat on the other side.  The big question in my mind is at RB where starter Domanick Davis continues to get nicked up and has not practiced yet this preseason.  If the Texans can run-block like the Broncos, whose system they are implementing this season, their offense should continue to click on all cylinders, and I think they will definitely surprise some teams this year.

4.  Tennessee Titans – (Prediction: 4-12) – After a disappointing season last year, in which they finished 4-12 and received the 3rd pick in the NFL draft, the Titans are looking to rebound this year and once again become one of the top teams in the AFC.  However, the problem is that they did next to nothing in the off-season to help this.  Yes, they did draft star QB Vince Young and a RB with a twinkie problem in LenDale White, but at the end of last season, those weren’t their ‘need’ positions.  They ended the year last year with RBs Chris Brown and Travis Henry and QB Steve McNair who, although is injury prone, is only 2 years removed from being the MVP of the league.  The Titans would have been better served working to improve a defense who gave up the 3rd most points in the league instead of drafting flashy additions to their offense.  that might fill the seats, but it won’t fill the trophy case.  And to top it off, the Titans released / traded McNair to the Ravens this past June.  This is where you seriously start to question who is running this team.  It seems Bud Adams, in his attempts to stick it to his former home of Houston, has forgotten the steps he took with the Oilers to make Steve McNair the All-Pro he was: he gave him a good mentor and let him sit on the bench and learn.  Vince Young could have used that same philosophy and learned from a great QB with a similar style in McNair and would have been much better off.  But in a push to have Young starting by the time Tennessee plays Houston in December he’s being pushed into the starting role much too early and this will sink their season.  I don’t care how good a QB is in college there is a learning curve in the pros and it will take Young a while to adjust to the complexity and speed at the pro level.  The truly bad part of the whole situation is that the decision to rush Young will not only cost them their season but will most likely cost one of the best coaches in the game, Jeff Fisher, his job.  Well done Bud, well done.

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HC