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Fat Feats – Top Ten Sports Fat Asses August 28, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Baseball, Basketball, Football, Sports.

There are a million Top 10 lists out there, but those have all been for athletes and athletic accomplishments that we couch potatoes could never achieve.  Well, that needs to change.  There need to be lists out there of things we can accomplish.  So to kick off this phenomenon, I’m doing my own list, a list of fat bastards who still made significant achievements in the sporting world. 

11. (Honorable Mention) – Phil “Bitch-tits” Mickelson– 6′-2″, 190 lb – 225 lb – Now I know I said this was a top 10 list, but I thought this was the perfect spot for Phil.  His weight has fluctuated up and down the past several years bringing him in and out of contention for a spot on this list.  Currently he sits on the outside looking in, but last year when he won the Masters he had a full set of D cups bouncing around.  Once known as the “best golfer not to have won a major”, Phil finally won his first major in 47 tries by winning the 2004 Masters.  He followed that up with victories at the 2005 PGA Championship and the 2006 Masters.  Phil – leave the gym and eat a chili cheese dog.  We want you back.

10. William “Refrigerator” Perry – 6′-2″, 370 lb – The nickname alone tells you that this former Chicago Bears defensive tackle was one huge guy.  Looking more like ‘Fat Bastard’ from Austin Powers than a football player, Perry is known mainly for scoring a touchdown as a rookie in Super Bowl XX and for the gap in his teeth that you could fit a hamburger through.  After his Super Bowl success, Perry really made it big by having a GI Joe action figure designed after him.  The remainder of Perry’s career was relatively quiet as he played in just 138 games over an 11 year career in the NFL.  The Fridge was a beast and paved the way for future great fat asses to show up at training camp 95 pounds overweight.  (e.g. Larry Allen, #8 below).

9.  Sebastian “Fat-foot” Janikowski – 6’2″, 250 lb– The Polish Pork-chop has been a fixture on the Oakland Raiders the past 5 seasons as their place kicker and resident jailbird.  Having been arrested multiple times for offenses such as assault, bribery of a cop, and possession of GHB Seabass’ off-the-field record has overshadowed his on-the-field performance.  Janikowski was the nation’s top kicker in his final 2 seasons at Florida State and has ranked in the top half of the league his entire career in the NFL — except of course when he was sidelined in 2001 for “cellulitis of the foot”!  Fat-Foot?!?!  Who knew that was even real until that ran on the NFL injury reports.  Janikowski makes me proud of my Polish roots.  A lesser fat ass would have been deported by now.

8.  Larry Allen – 6′-3″, 325 – 360 lbs– Allen was an anchor of the Dallas Cowboy’s offensive line for the past 12 years before leaving in free agency to join the San Francisco 49ers this past off-season.  Known for his enormous size and strength (he has benched 700 lbs, squatted 900 lbs, and is the reigning Strongman champion in the NFL), Allen is also well-known for his enormous appetite (he has been known to eat an entire large pizza and drink a 2-liter of cola before games) and sweat stains (thanks to John Madden’s telestrator).  His appetite and excessive sweating ability hasn’t kept him from succeeding though as he’s been to 10 Pro Bowls and been voted All-Pro 8 times.  He should have retired as a Cowboy, but I’m not telling him that to his face unless I’m armed with a giant bucket of chicken and a liter ‘o cola.

7.  Cecil “Big Daddy” Fielder – 6′-3″, 240 lb – 270 lb– A power hitter in the ‘deadball’ era, Fielder hit 51 home-runs in 1990 becoming, at the time, only the 11th player to hit over 50 home runs in a season and only the 2nd in the past 25 years to accomplish that feat.  Never a slim man, Fielder’s weight fluctuated throughout his career, but he reached his peak fighting weight as he helped the New York Yankees reach and win the World Series in 1996.  A 3-time All-Star, Fielder gets bonus points for having a son (Prince Fielder) who weighs close to 3 bills and is the starting first baseman for the Milwaukee Brewers.  God bless the American League’s designated hitter for paving the way for fat asses like Cecil and Big Papi Ortiz.

6.  David “Boomer” Wells – 6′-3″, 230 lb – 260 lb – Wells, who currently pitches for the Boston Red Sox, has bounced around the league bringing his unique personality and drinking prowess to each team he’s been to.  Wells has pitched for 18 seasons, accumulating 227 wins, 3 All Star selections, and was the MVP of the 1998 ALCS.  He is probably best known for wearing an actual Babe Ruth hat when he pitched his perfect game in 1998.  It has also been told that he drank a pitcher of beer in between each inning of that game too.  God I hope that’s true.  I try to replicate that feat every time I watch an Astros game.

5.  Shaquille O’Neal – 7′-1″, 315 lb – 345 lb – A 4-time NBA Champion with the LA Lakers and Miami Heat, O’Neal has been a beast in the middle for the past decade.  As the 1st pick overall in the 1992 NBA draft out of LSU, O’Neal was barely pushing 300 lbs but as his weight has grown, so have the accolades.  A 3-time Finals MVP with the Lakers, O’Neal was the 1999 League MVP, 12 time All-Star, and voted one of the Top 50 players in the NBA.  He’s also broadened his career with his rapper alias ‘Shaq Diesel’ and the classic film ‘Kazaam’.  Lately Shaq has even begun taking the beginnings of seasons off to get in shape so that he has to work as little as possible but can still excel during the playoffs.  We can all hope that one day we’re in a position to negotiate a contract allowing us to skip the first third of the work day so we don’t have to strain ourselves later.

4.  George Foreman – 6′-3″, 217 lb – 250 lb – The weight change in George Foreman didn’t just take place over a couple years, but over the 20 years in between the 2 times he held the boxing Heavyweight title.  Originally a gold medalist in the 1968 Olympics, Foreman first won the title in 1973 over Joe Frazier.  He didn’t win it again until 1994 when at age 45 he was outboxed for 10 rounds until he connected with a devastating right hook and knocked out Michael Moorer.  Now more well-known for selling tires and electric grills, the robust Foreman hasn’t missed many meals since his career started almost 40 years ago.  He is a fatty helping average joes meet their full-fat potential.  You already had several ways to cook a burger (your grill or frying pan, etc…), but Foreman found a way to do it faster.  That extra minute you stand around waiting for the other side of the burger to brown is a minute of calorie absorption wasted.

3.    Charles “The Round Mound of Rebound” Barkley – Listed @ 6′-6″, 250 lb, Closer to 6′-4″, 300lb – One of the best power forwards to play the game, Barkley earned a reputation for saying and doing whatever he wanted on and off the court.  A tireless worker on the court, he didn’t have the best work ethic off of it, resulting in his ballooning at the end of his career.  A 2 time gold medalist, member of the NBA top 50 players and MVP of the 1993 NBA season, Barkley was never one to turn away from a microphone with classics like:

“I don’t care what people think.  People are stupid.”

Charles Barkley: “I’m so sick of fat people.”
Kenny Smith: “Why? You can’t live with yourself?”
Barkley: “First of all, they killed Oreos.  You know they can’t make the Double-Stuff Oreos anymore because fat people can’t keep their mouths shut.  Now they’re killing the McDonald’s super-size.  Can you believe that?  Just because fat people are lazy and don’t work out and can’t keep their mouths shut, they have to ruin it for everybody.  They’ll probably kill ice cream next! Is that my fault they can’t stop eating?  I’m so sick of these fat people suing these companies.  Stop eating!”

and my personal favorite:

Greg Gumbel: ” Happy St Patrick’s Day”.
Barkley: “Great. Another reason for the Irish to go out and drink.”

I can’t wait to vote for him for President.

2.  “Big” John Daly – 5′-11″, 220 lb – 250 lb – Known as one of the longest drivers on tour for the past 15 years, Daly has earned a reputation for living life fast and hard in every sense of the word.  A 2-time major winner, Daly won the PGA Championship in 1991, his rookie season, and followed that up with a British Open Championship in 1995 at St. Andrews.  Since then, his life has been full of ups and downs, mostly downs though with excessive gambling, drinking, smoking, and mullet-wearing.  He admits to losing over $50 million gambling and only puts his cigarettes down to tee off.  Daly is everything sports shouldn’t be, and we love him for it.

1.  George “Babe” Ruth – 6′-2″, 215 lb – 270 lb –  Arguably the greatest baseball player of all time, he was the 1st player in baseball history to hit 20, 30, 40, 50, and 60 home-runs.  He also set the home-run record at 60 home-runs, which stood for 34 years until it was broken by Roger Maris in 1961.  But, some of his greatest feats took place, not on the playing field, but at the local diner.  Ruth was once said to have eaten 24 hot dogs in one sitting, and that was between the 2 games of a double header.  He was also said to have gone to Coney Island one morning and eaten 4 Porterhouse steaks, 8 hot dogs, and drank 8 sodas just as a pregame snack.  With those eating skills and hitting his last home run at a stout 270 lbs, Ruth reigns supreme of Fat Athletes.


Minor League Happenings July 19, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Baseball, Sports.
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Last night in two minor league baseball games, there were two newsworthy events but for two completely different reasons.  One was a former negro-league star who became the oldest man ever to play professional baseball by taking two walks in a Northern League All Star game in Kansas City.  The other was a knucklehead who was throwing knuckle-balls in his ump-teenth attempt at a return to glory in the major leagues.

Last night, John Jordan “Buck” O’Neil stepped into the batter’s box for the first time in 55 years during a minor league all-star game.  O’Neil was just recently denied entry into the Baseball Hall of Fame along with 17 other players from the Negro Leagues and Pre-Negro League eras. 

As reported by the AP, O’Neil was “a lifetime .288 hitter and two-time Negro League batting champion, and became Major League Baseball’s first black coach with the Chicago Cubs. He went on to discover Hall of Famer Lou Brock and countless others as a scout”

O’Neil’s exclusion from the Hall of Fame shocked everyone from Hank Aaron to Ernie Banks and many have begun petitioning MLB commissioner Bud Selig on his behalf.  The importance of Buck O’Neil becoming the oldest professional baseball player is not the key here (that will be broken by some other old timer in a future publicity stunt), it’s that one of the greatest Negro league players of all time is not in the Hall of Fame and needs to be.  He was not only an ambassador for the game but a mentor and leader to other black players in his years as player and coach.  If two ceremonial walks at a minor league baseball game bring his name back to the fore-front and give him an opportunity to make the Hall of Fame, I think it’s well worth our time to watch.

And at the other end of the country, and at the other end of the spectrum, at the Golden Baseball League All-Star game, a former major leaguer was continuing to make a fool out of himself.  Jose Canseco made multiple appearances in all-star game in Chico, California both in the home run derby which he won 4-3 and pocketed a cool $250 and then in the actual game by pitching in the fourth inning and only recording 1 out while giving up 4 runs (FYI thats an ERA of 108.0).  While pitching for the North team, Canseco entered the game in the fourth inning with the North leading 5-1.  He gave up a double, single, RBI ground out, walk and then another double before he was mercifully pulled by manager Terry Kennedy. 

Ever since Canseco blew out his elbow pitching for the Texas Rangers in a 15-1 loss to the Boston Red Sox in 1993, he seems to be the only person that takes Jose Canseco seriously.  The only reason he’s even been in the news in the past 10 years has had nothing to do with his baseball abilities, but with his ability to charge cancer patients money for his autograph and to use performance enhancing drugs and write books about it.  I understand that his book “Juiced”, has actually helped because baseball was forced to enforce a drug testing program, but this pseudo-celebrity’s most recent 15 minutes are long over.  Why can’t he use those steroid-enlarged arms for good, like fighting a Kodiak bear or hand delivering kegs to my front door?  Now those are things I’d pay to see.

All Star Snooze Fest July 12, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Baseball, Sports.
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The 77th edition of the MLB All Star game proved to be a real sleeper except for half an inning in which the American League used well timed hitting and quality base-running to grab a 3-2 victory from hands of the National League.  On a side-note, I predicted the score to be either 10-8 or 9-7 before the game and once again was WAY off.  This only proves that once again that I’m an idiot.  Anyway, Michael Young’s clutch 2-RBI triple with 2 outs and 2 strikes off of one of the most dominant closers in baseball history – Trevor Hoffman – capped of a 9th inning comeback for the AL.  The blown save for Hoffman must have seemed eerily familiar to Phil Garner, the NL manager and Houston Astros skipper, who has had to watch his own closer, Brad Lidge, blow save after save in the past week.  Garner’s teams of late have an amazing way of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.  Although Garner’s decision to use Hoffman wasn’t unusual, some of his other decisions made no sense at all.  After Brad Penny cruised through the first 2 innings (sans a Vlad Guerrero home run that was at shoulder level), who did Garner bring in?  Not Brandon Webb who has the best ERA in the NL?  No.  Carlos Zambrano who leads the NL in strikeouts?  Again, no.  In a stunning display of sports nepotism, he brings in his own pitcher, Roy Oswalt, ahead of everyone else.  Oswalt who is sporting a good ERA at 3.15 only has a 6-6 record and had pitched the previous Saturday in relief, where he lost by allowing an Albert Pujols home run in the 10th inning.  Not that Oswalt isn’t capable, he did cruise through the 3rd inning without allowing a hit, but Garner should at least show some respect to the NL pitchers who have had great first halves.  Another curious move was allowing Freddy Sanchez to lead off the 9th inning, down by a run.  I understand Sanchez is leading the NL in batting average, but how do you leave Scott Rolen and Nomar on the bench in that situation?  It seemed like Garner was more concerned with leaving the hometown player in instead of winning the game.  Garner’s quote was also a bit unusual at the end of the game, “You tip your cap to the guys who came back in the ninth inning,” said Garner. “Obviously, I’d love to win the game. But I’m not disappointed. It was well-played.”  NOT DISAPPOINTED?!?!  Is he kidding?  As the manager of the losing team from last year’s World Series, he should personally know how much home field advantage means in the series.  It seems to me that “ScrapIron” was more concerned with just showing up and keeping it close while Ozzie Guillen was in it to win.  Maybe that’s why the AL continues to dominate the NL in anything that matters.  Garner’s sub-.500 team doesn’t look to be heading back to the World Series, so maybe he doesn’t want St. Louis to have home field advantage.  I would have made some different line-up decisions last night, but I’m also the guy who predicted a 10 to 8 barnburner, so what do I know.

And I don’t feel like putting up any pictures of the game, so here’s one of that hottie Jessica Simpson.



National League dominates Pinewood Derby July 11, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Baseball, Sports.
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In what is likely a futile show of power, the National League crushed the American League in the 21st edition of the Home Run derby.  With 3 of the top 4 HR totals, both finalists and the final winner – Ryan Howard of the Philadelphia Phillies – the NL proved they can win any loosely regulated strength contest but have proved to be quite unsucessful in All Star games and World Series in the past decade.  The action last night started off slowly as Miguel Tejada and Lance Berkman only hit 3 home runs each but, Berkman did hit one right down the 1st base line and out of the stadium into the Allegheny River where it was quickly grabbed by a toothless Eagles fan and will later be used to pummel a referee / opposing player.  The contest did get more exciting when David Wright of the NY Mets (whom I predicted would hit 0 home runs – maybe thats why I’m not allowed alone in a Vegas Sportsbook) hit the 3rd most ever in the 1st round with a total of 16 home runs.  Wright would coast into the final round under the new rule that combines your first 2 rounds to qualify for the finals.  Wright fell short though in the finals as Howard who batting second, not only won the contest but won 500 free Southwest flights for a fan in the stadium by hitting a sign in the outfield with his last home run. 

mlb_ryanhoward_275.jpg     tx_howardsi.jpg

Although the contest was rather uneventful, some interesting things did come out of it.  First of all, Pittsburgh did a horrible job showing off their city.  Maybe the city is trying to save on electricity, but would it kill someone to turn a light on in one of the skyscrapers behind the stadium?  Or hang some Christmas lights off the bridge?  I’ve seen the skyline from the stadium in the day and it is very picturesque.  But last night, it was pitch black outside of the stadium.  Except of course for the 50 or so fools in kayaks, floating in the river waiting for home-runs to escape the park.  They need to do a study on the type of people who would rather sit in a boat, soaking wet and waiting for a baseball to fall in the water near them instead of actually watching the derby from the stadium or their local pub.   I just don’t understand that at all.  Maybe if they were launching chili dogs or free lap dance coupons I’d understand and be interested, but $5 baseballs?  I do have a plan for next year’s game which will be held in San Francisco.  I want to stand on the sidewalk next to the water and just throw balls in everytime one lands in the water.  It would confuse the hell out of those fools.  Who’s with me??


So…who’s tired of the Red Sox, Yankees, or East coast bias…. June 22, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Baseball, Sports.
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Seriously, does anyone care about the Yankees or Red Sox anymore?  Everytime I turn on Sportscenter, thats all I see, wall-to-wall coverage.  Are there not 30 other teams out there that play decent baseball?  And last time I looked, neither the Red Sox or Yankees made it to the World Series last year.  Seriously, the city of Chicago has the previous years WORLD CHAMP and a half ass team thats a media favorite and it’s still 20 minutes into Sportscenter before I see their highlights.  Who does that make sense to?  Anyone, anyone, Bueller?  I mean if I was making these decisions, ESPN would be chalk full of bikini mud wrestling and hot dog eating contests, but I’m not the standard American now am I?

So what does it take to change this you might ask?  And I say, lets boycott all ESPN games that show an East Coast team.  Oh yeah, that won’t do anything.  How about this, lets all have a cold beer and not worry about it.  It’s not like they will be in the Series this year or something…..