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Fat Feats – Top Ten Sports Fat Asses August 28, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Baseball, Basketball, Football, Sports.
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There are a million Top 10 lists out there, but those have all been for athletes and athletic accomplishments that we couch potatoes could never achieve.  Well, that needs to change.  There need to be lists out there of things we can accomplish.  So to kick off this phenomenon, I’m doing my own list, a list of fat bastards who still made significant achievements in the sporting world. 

11. (Honorable Mention) – Phil “Bitch-tits” Mickelson– 6′-2″, 190 lb – 225 lb – Now I know I said this was a top 10 list, but I thought this was the perfect spot for Phil.  His weight has fluctuated up and down the past several years bringing him in and out of contention for a spot on this list.  Currently he sits on the outside looking in, but last year when he won the Masters he had a full set of D cups bouncing around.  Once known as the “best golfer not to have won a major”, Phil finally won his first major in 47 tries by winning the 2004 Masters.  He followed that up with victories at the 2005 PGA Championship and the 2006 Masters.  Phil – leave the gym and eat a chili cheese dog.  We want you back.

10. William “Refrigerator” Perry – 6′-2″, 370 lb – The nickname alone tells you that this former Chicago Bears defensive tackle was one huge guy.  Looking more like ‘Fat Bastard’ from Austin Powers than a football player, Perry is known mainly for scoring a touchdown as a rookie in Super Bowl XX and for the gap in his teeth that you could fit a hamburger through.  After his Super Bowl success, Perry really made it big by having a GI Joe action figure designed after him.  The remainder of Perry’s career was relatively quiet as he played in just 138 games over an 11 year career in the NFL.  The Fridge was a beast and paved the way for future great fat asses to show up at training camp 95 pounds overweight.  (e.g. Larry Allen, #8 below).

9.  Sebastian “Fat-foot” Janikowski – 6’2″, 250 lb– The Polish Pork-chop has been a fixture on the Oakland Raiders the past 5 seasons as their place kicker and resident jailbird.  Having been arrested multiple times for offenses such as assault, bribery of a cop, and possession of GHB Seabass’ off-the-field record has overshadowed his on-the-field performance.  Janikowski was the nation’s top kicker in his final 2 seasons at Florida State and has ranked in the top half of the league his entire career in the NFL — except of course when he was sidelined in 2001 for “cellulitis of the foot”!  Fat-Foot?!?!  Who knew that was even real until that ran on the NFL injury reports.  Janikowski makes me proud of my Polish roots.  A lesser fat ass would have been deported by now.

8.  Larry Allen – 6′-3″, 325 – 360 lbs– Allen was an anchor of the Dallas Cowboy’s offensive line for the past 12 years before leaving in free agency to join the San Francisco 49ers this past off-season.  Known for his enormous size and strength (he has benched 700 lbs, squatted 900 lbs, and is the reigning Strongman champion in the NFL), Allen is also well-known for his enormous appetite (he has been known to eat an entire large pizza and drink a 2-liter of cola before games) and sweat stains (thanks to John Madden’s telestrator).  His appetite and excessive sweating ability hasn’t kept him from succeeding though as he’s been to 10 Pro Bowls and been voted All-Pro 8 times.  He should have retired as a Cowboy, but I’m not telling him that to his face unless I’m armed with a giant bucket of chicken and a liter ‘o cola.

7.  Cecil “Big Daddy” Fielder – 6′-3″, 240 lb – 270 lb– A power hitter in the ‘deadball’ era, Fielder hit 51 home-runs in 1990 becoming, at the time, only the 11th player to hit over 50 home runs in a season and only the 2nd in the past 25 years to accomplish that feat.  Never a slim man, Fielder’s weight fluctuated throughout his career, but he reached his peak fighting weight as he helped the New York Yankees reach and win the World Series in 1996.  A 3-time All-Star, Fielder gets bonus points for having a son (Prince Fielder) who weighs close to 3 bills and is the starting first baseman for the Milwaukee Brewers.  God bless the American League’s designated hitter for paving the way for fat asses like Cecil and Big Papi Ortiz.

6.  David “Boomer” Wells – 6′-3″, 230 lb – 260 lb – Wells, who currently pitches for the Boston Red Sox, has bounced around the league bringing his unique personality and drinking prowess to each team he’s been to.  Wells has pitched for 18 seasons, accumulating 227 wins, 3 All Star selections, and was the MVP of the 1998 ALCS.  He is probably best known for wearing an actual Babe Ruth hat when he pitched his perfect game in 1998.  It has also been told that he drank a pitcher of beer in between each inning of that game too.  God I hope that’s true.  I try to replicate that feat every time I watch an Astros game.

5.  Shaquille O’Neal – 7′-1″, 315 lb – 345 lb – A 4-time NBA Champion with the LA Lakers and Miami Heat, O’Neal has been a beast in the middle for the past decade.  As the 1st pick overall in the 1992 NBA draft out of LSU, O’Neal was barely pushing 300 lbs but as his weight has grown, so have the accolades.  A 3-time Finals MVP with the Lakers, O’Neal was the 1999 League MVP, 12 time All-Star, and voted one of the Top 50 players in the NBA.  He’s also broadened his career with his rapper alias ‘Shaq Diesel’ and the classic film ‘Kazaam’.  Lately Shaq has even begun taking the beginnings of seasons off to get in shape so that he has to work as little as possible but can still excel during the playoffs.  We can all hope that one day we’re in a position to negotiate a contract allowing us to skip the first third of the work day so we don’t have to strain ourselves later.

4.  George Foreman – 6′-3″, 217 lb – 250 lb – The weight change in George Foreman didn’t just take place over a couple years, but over the 20 years in between the 2 times he held the boxing Heavyweight title.  Originally a gold medalist in the 1968 Olympics, Foreman first won the title in 1973 over Joe Frazier.  He didn’t win it again until 1994 when at age 45 he was outboxed for 10 rounds until he connected with a devastating right hook and knocked out Michael Moorer.  Now more well-known for selling tires and electric grills, the robust Foreman hasn’t missed many meals since his career started almost 40 years ago.  He is a fatty helping average joes meet their full-fat potential.  You already had several ways to cook a burger (your grill or frying pan, etc…), but Foreman found a way to do it faster.  That extra minute you stand around waiting for the other side of the burger to brown is a minute of calorie absorption wasted.

3.    Charles “The Round Mound of Rebound” Barkley – Listed @ 6′-6″, 250 lb, Closer to 6′-4″, 300lb – One of the best power forwards to play the game, Barkley earned a reputation for saying and doing whatever he wanted on and off the court.  A tireless worker on the court, he didn’t have the best work ethic off of it, resulting in his ballooning at the end of his career.  A 2 time gold medalist, member of the NBA top 50 players and MVP of the 1993 NBA season, Barkley was never one to turn away from a microphone with classics like:

“I don’t care what people think.  People are stupid.”

Charles Barkley: “I’m so sick of fat people.”
Kenny Smith: “Why? You can’t live with yourself?”
Barkley: “First of all, they killed Oreos.  You know they can’t make the Double-Stuff Oreos anymore because fat people can’t keep their mouths shut.  Now they’re killing the McDonald’s super-size.  Can you believe that?  Just because fat people are lazy and don’t work out and can’t keep their mouths shut, they have to ruin it for everybody.  They’ll probably kill ice cream next! Is that my fault they can’t stop eating?  I’m so sick of these fat people suing these companies.  Stop eating!”

and my personal favorite:

Greg Gumbel: ” Happy St Patrick’s Day”.
Barkley: “Great. Another reason for the Irish to go out and drink.”

I can’t wait to vote for him for President.

2.  “Big” John Daly – 5′-11″, 220 lb – 250 lb – Known as one of the longest drivers on tour for the past 15 years, Daly has earned a reputation for living life fast and hard in every sense of the word.  A 2-time major winner, Daly won the PGA Championship in 1991, his rookie season, and followed that up with a British Open Championship in 1995 at St. Andrews.  Since then, his life has been full of ups and downs, mostly downs though with excessive gambling, drinking, smoking, and mullet-wearing.  He admits to losing over $50 million gambling and only puts his cigarettes down to tee off.  Daly is everything sports shouldn’t be, and we love him for it.

1.  George “Babe” Ruth – 6′-2″, 215 lb – 270 lb –  Arguably the greatest baseball player of all time, he was the 1st player in baseball history to hit 20, 30, 40, 50, and 60 home-runs.  He also set the home-run record at 60 home-runs, which stood for 34 years until it was broken by Roger Maris in 1961.  But, some of his greatest feats took place, not on the playing field, but at the local diner.  Ruth was once said to have eaten 24 hot dogs in one sitting, and that was between the 2 games of a double header.  He was also said to have gone to Coney Island one morning and eaten 4 Porterhouse steaks, 8 hot dogs, and drank 8 sodas just as a pregame snack.  With those eating skills and hitting his last home run at a stout 270 lbs, Ruth reigns supreme of Fat Athletes.

HC

NBA players prepare for expensive game of musical chairs June 28, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Basketball, Sports.
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As we are now less than 2 hours from the NBA’s annual raid of college talent, countless current NBA players are sitting by the phone waiting to make a plane reservations to a new city.  From Allen Iverson to Shawn Marion, many big NBA names are on the trading block.  If any of these trades will materialize is yet to be seen, but we’ll find out in a couple hours.  A couple notes though; I don’t have anything against European players besides their complete lack of hygene and refusal to play defense but if another team wastes a pick on another European player that they’ve never seen play, they deserve what the get.  I think NBA teams are trying harder now to find the next Dirk Nowitzki instead of finding the next Josh Howard.  Now I understand that Dirk (9th pick in the 1st round of 1998) is an undeniable superstar and one of the top 5 players in the game, but it seems to me that those players are few and far between.  Players of Josh Howard’s caliber (29th pick in the 1st round in 2003) are what teams should be searching for.  In only his 3rd season, Josh Howard averaged over 15 pts, 6 boards and almost 2 assists a game.  Superstars are hard to find in the NBA and only 3 or 4 come out of every draft class, but quality young talent from US colleges can be had throughout the 1st and 2nd round.  So nothing against Andrea Bargnani the projected 1st overal pick of the Toronto Raptors from Italy, but I’d much rather have a proven college star from a tough NBA conference like seniors Brandon Roy of University of Washington or Randy Foye from Villanova any day.  Well almost any proven college star because as always……DUKE SUCKS.

 HC

Maverick’s Debacle? June 21, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Basketball, Sports.
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You know, after watching last nights game, I just can’t decide.  Was it a serious choke job by the Mavericks or by the league itself?  That was honestly some of the worst officiating I’ve seen at any point in my life, in any sport.  You can honestly tell me that Dwayne Wade was fouled enough to shoot 28 & 21 free throws in the last 2 games an the ENTIRE Dallas team only shot 25 & 23 respectively????  Does that make sense to anyone?  I mean hasn’t the NBA and David Stern gotten enough money out of Mark Cuban, that they don’t need to make it next to impossible for his team to win too?  Ridiculous.  And along those same lines, if I was Mark Cuban, I would seriously consider getting out of the game altogether.  Sell off the team and start over in another league.  What can he do now??  I guess until he stops getting excited over traveling calls and becomes the standard emotionless owner in his luxury box, the Mavericks don’t have a chance of winning.  And to think I was actually starting to like basketball again…

 HC