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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.
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Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at

http://holden–caulfield.blogspot.com/

Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there

 HC

Lindsay’s bald eagle, Suri Cruise is real…kind of, and much more! September 6, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Christina Aguilera, Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan, Suri Cruise.
3 comments

I know I’ve been slacking off the last couple of weeks, and I know no one wants to hear my excuses.  Well, I’m back now, so let’s get it started.

 — Lindsay Lohan has been quite busy over the past couple of weeks.  Besides wearing multiple NEW bikinis, she’s most recently been in Venice promoting her new movie Bobby.  As she’s been skipping around the Italian countryside of Venice, she’s done quite a few interesting things.  Here they are in no particular order. 

First off, at the premiere of Bobby last night, she showed up with her boyfriend, the Pink Taco himself, Harry Morton.  More importantly, she showed up with a giant marble on her finger.  Is she engaged?  Who really cares?  What I want to know is how you afford to buy something like that?  I guess being the heir to the famous Pink Taco franchise (currently 2 restaurants in Vegas and Scottsdale) / and having a dad own the Hard Rock franchise makes that much money.  Possible.  I think he makes his mad cash by running an illegal howler-monkey fighting ring under the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas.  That’s just a guess, but I have a gut feeling on this one.

Here are some pictures of the giant bauble and some other jewelry that are so gaudy, they look fake:

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So after her fancy night at the premiere, I guess she and Harry decided to go on a boat ride somewhere around Venice.  This seems logical I mean Venice has canals throughout the entire city.  The unusual part of the trip is that Lindsay brought her beaver with her and that doesn’t necessarily seem like a good idea.  Generally, beavers are indigenous to the Northwestern United States and enjoy building dams and eating wood.  At least thats what I learned from Looney Toons, which I take as a factual depiction of their lives.  Anyway, the boat ride makes perfect sense, but the beaver seems completely out of place.

What do you think? (Pictures by WWTTD)

****UPDATE ***** – Looks like these are fake, here’s the real one.

*****UPDATED AGAIN***** Well, it looks like as we first reported, the pictures are real.  The photographer has come forward and told the real story.  Looks like LL has some people pretty high up the food chain on her panty patrol.

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But seriously, does this really surprise you?  We all knew she had a beaver and would eventually take it with her and let the world see it.  There’s no secret there.

 — In other interesting news, it turns out that Suri Cruise isn’t an alien like had been previously reported on other ridiculous blogs.  She is a real child as the pictures in the newest issue of Vanity Fair prove.  Actually they don’t prove a damn thing.  That could still be a fake kid.  It’s not like she’s moving in the picture or anything.  And who’s to say it’s their kid at all.  I guess I’m really just struggling with the fact that she looks so normal and I don’t see any devil horns or anything.  Maybe she has a tail!  That’s it, she definitely has a tail.

Here are the pictures from Vanity Fair:

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 — Next up, Christina Aguilera and her giant jugs.  I just can’t say enough about those things.  I know I talked about them a couple weeks ago, but they just boggle my mind.  She’s what, 5′-2″ tall, 100 lbs, wearing a size 0 dress with solid Double D’s?  But are they both Double D’s?  In those first pictures it looks like it could be a D and an E for god’s sake.  Is that possible?  I’m no physics professor but I say no.  Yet picture after picture says yes.  Oh well, I’ll just keep staring in amazement. 

321-ca1.jpg     322-ca2.jpg     323-ca4.jpg     christina_aguilera_advocate_3_big.jpg     christina_aguilera_advocate_4_big.jpg     christina_aguilera_advocate_5_big.jpg

 — And lastly, I’m sure everyone’s heard this story already but Monday morning while filming a documentary on stingrays, the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin was killed.  A pioneer in being a crazy bastard with wild animals, Irwin died after being stabbed in the heart by one of the rays.  He then pulled the barb out and immediately passed out.  The only reason I bring this up is that because of all the ridiculous shit he’s pulled over the years, who would have guessed he would have gone this way?  Eaten by a crocodile?  Check.  Bitten by a Green Mamba?  Check.  Bitten by a Great White?  Check.  Speared by a Stingray?  Huh?  Oh well, I just think that if he had to be speared by anything, it should have been something amazing, like a unicorn or a triceratops but that’s just me.

HC

Latest on Suri Cruise July 28, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Suri Cruise.
2 comments

In a surprise announcement that coincided with a Grand Opening of a Discount Tire in Hollywood today, the first picture of Suri Cruise was released to the media.  Now the picture is a little grainy and the man pushing the stroller has not been identified, but the child in the stroller is definitely the child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

stroller.jpg

HC

Celebrity Drivel July 13, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Suri Cruise.
1 comment so far

— Some breaking new from the Jessica Simpson camp: Not only will she continue to wear tight fitted clothing and wonder why the 3 pigs couldn’t set some kind of trap for the Big Bad Wolf; she’ll also use any surgical means necessary to keep those fun bags of hers still spilling out of her clothes.  The Sun UK reports,

“If I have kids, and they’re hanging to my waist, that’s when I might start to think about having something done to them. Right now, they’re perky and cute.”

This is some really groundbreaking stuff for those of us who rather enjoy looking at Simpson’s cleavage.  In a purely scientific way I mean.  Hopefully, science will one day help me prove that they float and are as soft as clouds.

Jessica in Cabo last week for her birthday:

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— More reports from US Weeklythat Suri Cruise is as real Puff the Magic Dragon and a STD-free bill of health for Paris Hilton. 

“Katie Holmes, who has rarely been seen in public since giving birth to daughter Suri on April 18, emerged from Tom Cruise’s Telluride, Colorado, home on July 10 for an evening stroll with a girlfriend for some window-shopping. But much to the dismay of onlookers, the only thing the new mom was cradling was her cappuccino.  ‘Suri’s doing great!’ Holmes told Usbefore hopping into the passenger seat of her blue Hummer H3 and heading home. ‘She’s back at the house.’  Also, it seems Suri was spotted by 2 Telluride residents with one of them saying she’s ‘funny looking’. 

Funny like “Ha – ha, Suri Cruise has a giant afro and wears clown face paint 24 hours a day” or funny like “Holy crap, that’s Katie Holmes – Cruise – Hubbard and she’s pushing around a Cabbage Patch kid and keeps smashing it into her boob on top of her clothes.  That chick is whack!”?

— In another instance of life imitating art (or did art imitate life in this one?), David Wooderson is still livin, L-I-V-I-N.  In a celebration of his break up with nasally Penelope Cruz, Matthew McConaughey went on a 3-day booze binge in Costa Rica over the July 4th weekend.  Wearing a sweet headband (possibly trying to channel his inner Saturday Night Fever) McConaughey danced and writhed on the dance floor for all of his fellow vacationers.  Come one Wooderson, drunk and shirtless is no way to go through life.  Actually, I’m way off here, drunk and shirtless is the only way to go through life.  I think I’ll just start boozing for the weekend now.

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HC