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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at


Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there


Celebrities today are CRAZY! July 25, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid.
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— Janet Jackson appparently had part of her brain removed along with the 95 extra pounds she was carrying before going from a certifiable tub o’ lard to a rock-hard pop star.  Acting in typical Wacko-Jacko form, Janet did an interview on British Radio where she said she’s not quite sure if she’s getting married on September 26th as it had been reported.

Brit DJ : “You guys are getting married …”

Janet :“That’s what he said. He, um … that’s … everyone’s been asking me about this. He said something about September 26th we were getting married.”

Brit DJ : “What are you saying?”

Janet : “That’s the date the album comes out! September 26th.”

Brit DJ : “Are you engaged?”

Janet :“That’s what he said! So if … I don’t know. You know … everyone’s been asking me about it. And if it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen … (long pause) … Why is everyone just staring at me? It’s really quiet in here. It’s too quiet in here.”

Maybe she’s playing dumb so the paparazzi won’t crash her wedding.  If that’s the case, someone should give her an Oscar, but otherwise did anyone understand that incoherant rambling?  What do you think is going through that head of hers?  If I had to choose between “What can be done to stop all of this fighting in the Middle East” or “Big Bird sure has a lot of feathers”, I’m going with the latter.

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–Natalie Portman went on a hair dy infused rampage the other day.  In Buenos Aires this week, the newly blonde Portman channeled her inner-Ron Artest and charged into the stands of a soccer match to beat up a small child.  Not really, she just pushed away a cameraman who was too close to her, but it would be a lot cooler if she did.  I think I’d find it hard not to laugh when being attacked by someone who is small enough to put in my pocket.  Natalie is too cute to attack paparazzi, but everyone has their limit.  She might go wild now and accidentally use profanity or shoot someone the bird.  I hope not though because I need to keep pretending she’s going to get naked in a movie and naked crazies aren’t nearly as attractive as hot naked girls from Harvard.  For proof, see Tara Reid below.

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— Lindsay Lohan recently attended Jeremy Piven’s birthday party dressed like an extra from Boogie Nights.  First she was seen on the beach last month dressed as a giraffe and now she comes as a 70’s style porn star – a role she was born to play.  I don’t know if she thinks Piven is actually Ari Gold (his fantastic character on Entourage) and was attempting to audition for a midget porn flick or simply ran out of clothes in her closet, but she looks like a lock to play Rollergirl in the remake. 

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— Tara Reid apparently is supplementing her income by teaching swim lessons these days.  The problem is her mangled floatation devices popped out again and probably scarred this kid for life.  I guess seeing a breast at age 4 really isn’t his biggest problem; it’s that his parents let a drunk, chain-smoking harlot teach his swim lessons.  Maybe next they could let him join the circus and walk the tightrope with Stevie Wonder as his coach.

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— And one last thing, isn’t technology amazing (Click the picture of JS)?




Terrell Owens is a Dirty Liar July 17, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Football, Sports, Tara Reid, Terrell Owens.
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In a story out of Dallas, Terrell Owens claims to have been misquoted in his new biography, T.O.  In the book, he describes firsthand how he came back so quickly from a leg fracture at the end of the 2004 football season to play in the Super Bowl, “If you’ll forgive me for saying so … nothing short of heroic.”  He’s now claiming that that T.O. co-author Jason Rosenhaus came up with the phrase himself.  The best part of this story isn’t that he was misquoted in his own book (which obviously he took the time to read before hand), it’s his quote at the front of the book “These are my words, straight from me to you” on the book’s second page.  Let’s ignore the fact that Owens is publishing his second biography in less than 20 months (honestly, who’s going to read it besides his mom?!?), and get to the obvious – that this is just another attempt by the media-whore Owens to get back in the public spotlight. 

The main reason I bring all this up is because it’s the only news-worthy football story that has come out in the past several months (besides Rothlisburger attempting to use his head and pole vault over a moving car), so I had to write about it.  You see, football – not futbol – is the greatest sport in all of the land.  It is a game played by lightning quick cats from the African safari, pirates that plundered the seas, and airplanes that fly out of New York City? and August through February it in the Caulfield household.  Anyway, Terrell Owens is starting his sideshow early this year, which is actually pretty surprising.  He usually waits until he’s actually played on the field for his new team to start this garbage but I guess as he gets older, he just keeps finding new ways to reinvent himself.  TO is one of those “special” players that for some reason thinks he’s more important than the other 52 players on his team yet there always seems to be some team willing to dish out the big bucks (i.e. Jerry Jones and his army of plastic surgeons and the Dallas Cowboys). 

Just a couple of boob-relatedthings I wanted to note, if anyone is in Miami right now or planning to be in Miami in the next couple days, Tara Reid is there right now so at least you know you are only 4 drinks away from getting laid.  That’s always a nice feeling.  And if anyone is in a limo right now, look to the back and see if Mischa Barton is in there.  If so, you are in luck, her nip popped out.

Tara in Miami and Mischa in a limo

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