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Are you ready for some football, San Diego? July 28, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Football, Sports, Terrell Owens.

As you may or may not know, the NFL football season is right around the corner and that means it is truly time to rejoice.  Don’t get me wrong, I like a good game of stickball as much as the next guy, but football has become the new ”America’s Pastime”’.  Baseball may have history on its side, but football has the stars now.  Most people couldn’t pick Roy Halladay or Albert Poo-hole out of a line-up, but I almost guarantee that you’d be hard pressed to find a man or woman who doesn’t know who Tom Brady is.  So, in the form created by one of my favorite current sports writers, Bill “The Sports Guy” Simmons, I’m going to review the upcoming NFL season using quotes from one of the funniest movies ever, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, to describe some of the top stories around the league.  I’ll start off with a combo quote for probably the biggest ongoing story in the NFL the last couple of years. 

1.  Ron Burgundy (to Baxter) “You’re so wise.  You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair”. 


Ron Burgundy: “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m a big deal.” 

Veronica Corningstone: “Really?” 

RB: “People know me.” 

VC: “Well, I’m very happy for you.” 

RB: “I’m very important.  I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.” 

And so goes the Terrell Owens saga.  T.O. would want you to believe that he has many “leather bound books” written about him, but actually he only has 2 books about him, and he had to write them himself.  We’ll see if the “miniature Buddha” himself, Bill Parcells, can tame the locker-room cancer.  Keeping T.O. quiet though is like keeping Star Jones away from the buffet table, but if there’s any coach in the league who can do it, I’d put my money on Parcells, who’s successfully dealt with tough athletes like Keyshawn Johnson and Lawrence Taylor.  I still think Parcells will have to pull a rabbit out of his ass to tame Owens.   

2.  Ron Burgundy: “Everyone just relax, all right?  Believe me, if there’s one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it’s women.”

Brian Fantana: “I don’t know Ron.”

RB: “Guess what, I do.  I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna get married on top of a mountain, and there’s going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs.  And we will dance till the sun rises.  And then our children will form a family band.  And we will tour the countryside and you won’t be invited.” 

This classic quote about Ron’s perfect world could be about the Steelers’ perfect world after winning the Super Bowl last year.  But that perfect world was shaken this summer when QB Ben Rothlisberger’s face lost a game of  dodge-car, just as Ron’s world was turned upside down when Baxter was kicked off the bridge by Jack Black’s crazy biker character.  There are so many questions about the Steelers that won’t be answered until the season starts.  Can the Steelers repeat?  In a conference with the great squads like the Patriots, Colts and Broncos, the Steelers will have a tough road just to make it out of the playoffs and into the Super Bowl.  How will Big Ben play after his accident?  Will his confidence be shaken at all?  He doesn’t even look like himself, but that might not be a bad thing. 

3.  Veronica Cornerstone: “My God, what is that smell?  Oh.”

Brian Fantana: “That’s the smell of desire my lady.”

VC: “God no, it smells like, like a used diaper…filled with…Indian food.  Oh, excuse me.”

BF: “You know, desire smells like that to some people.”

Garth Holliday: “What is that?  Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.”

News Station Employee: “Smells like Bigfoot’s dick.” 

Desire.  That’s what drives Peyton Manning every year. Not to smell like a turd covered in burnt hair or Bigfoot’s dick, but the desire to still put up gaudy numbers AND win the big game.  Most players have to choose between being an individual star and winning as a team, but Peyton hasn’t figured that out yet.  And with the loss of Edgerrin James in free agency, even more pressure will be on Peyton to pass, pass, and pass some more.  Will Peyton be able to get over the proverbial hump to beat the Patriots and make it to the Super Bowl?  After going 14-2 and clinching home field advantage throughout the playoffs, the Colts lost on the errant foot of Mike Vanderjagt, but he has been replaced by Adam Vinatieri.  Will he be the difference?  The Colts hope so, but the Pats hope not, and that brings me to my next quote… 

4.  Champ Kind: “The bottom line is you’ve been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron.  You’re a member of the Channel Four News Team.”

Ron Burgundy: “That’s a given.”

CK:”We need you.  Hell I need you.  I’m a mess without you.  I miss you so damn much.  I miss being with you, I miss being near you.  I miss your laugh.  I miss your scent; I miss your musk.  When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.”

Brian Fantana: “Take it easy Champ.  Why don’t you stop talking for a while.” 

The New England Patriots are hoping they don’t  feel this same type of pain deep inside over the loss of Adam Vinatieri.  The Patriots have succeeded all of these years because they were strong as a team.  Compounded with the loss of defensive standout Willie McGinnist, they could be hurting this year.  Each of the 3 Super Bowls that the Pats have won in the last 4 years have been by a single field goal, so why did they let Vinatieri go?  Was he stealing Brady’s chicks?  Doubtful.  No one can respect a kicker.  Having the most clutch kicker in NFL history has always been an ace in the hole for the Patriots, and this year he’ll suit up for one of their chief competitors, the Indianapolis Colts.  So the question is, will the Patriots be able to climb back up the mountain to be one of the NFL’s elite?   

5.  Ron Burgundy: “Let’s go to Brian Fantana who’s live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive, Brian?

Brian Fantana: “Panda Watch.  The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this.  I uh…Ching…King is inside right now.  I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can’t do that he’s a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.”

BF (to the panda): “Hey, you’re making me look stupid.  Get out here, Panda Jerk.” 

Will Reggie Bush make the Houston Texans look like jerks for not drafting him?  In passing up on Reggie Bush and hometown icon Vince Young, the Texans took a huge gamble in selecting Mario Williams with the first selection in the draft.  Williams may turn out to be a star defensive end, a la Julius Peppers, but he will always be compared to the two players drafted after him.  Every time Reggie makes a highlight reel run, that will be shown over and over on ESPN, but they won’t show Mario stuffing the run for an entire game.  Every time VY makes an amazing touchdown pass, that too will be shown all over TV, but they won’t show Mario taking up 2 blockers while the rest of the line makes some stops.  The Texans along with new coach Gary Kubiak chose this suicide mission though by resigning former tackling dummy David Carr.  Will they regret passing on Reggie and Vince?  Only time will tell, but how much time they will have is the real question. 

6.  Ron Burgundy: “Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it
San Diego, which of course in German means whale’s vagina.”

Veronica Corningstone: “No, there’s no way that’s correct.”

RB: “I’m sorry; I was trying to impress you.  I don’t know what it means.  I’ll be honest; I don’t think anyone knows what it means anymore.  Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.”

VC: “Doesn’t it mean Saint Diego.”

RB: “No.  No.”

VC: “No, that’s – that’s what it means.  Really.”

RB: “Agree to disagree.” 

Along those same lines is the ongoing story of Reggie in New Orleans.  He’s tried hard to impress the city by donating money from his jersey sales just like Ron trying to impress Veronica on their first date,  but currently Reggie is holding out for a contract worth at least $1 more than the first pick in the draft, Mario Williams.  Will Reggie’s good will be brushed under the table if he ends up entangled in a long contract holdout?  The Saints are said to not want to upset the balance in the NFL by paying Bush more money than a player drafted in front of him, and Reggie’s agent has said that he has already made close to 5 million dollars in endorsements and would reenter the draft if he needed to.  So the question comes down to who will blink first, I just wonder how long the city of New Orleans will continue their love affair with Reggie if he’s not playing. 

7.  Ron Burgundy (to Baxter): “What?  You pooped in the refrigerator?  And you ate the whole…wheel of cheese?  How’d you do that?  Heck, I’m not even mad; that’s amazing.  How ‘bout we get you in your p.j.’s and we hit the hay.”

That’s exactly how Donavan McNabb feels these days.  He doesn’t care if you poop in the fridge or make fun of his mom on the Campbell’s Chunky soup commercials.  He doesn’t have to look at Terrell Owens anymore and that has to make him a happy man.  They did make the Super Bowl with T.O., but before that they had made it to 3 straight NFC Championship games with the likes of Todd Pinkston and Freddie Mitchell.  Reportedly, McNabb is in great shape and great spirits this year.  Last year had to be a bear on McNabb, so it will be interesting to see how he plays this year and making the task even tougher is that the NFC East is arguably the best division in football. 

8.  Veronica Corningstone: “Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.”

Ron Burgundy: “I’m not a baby, I’m a man.  I am an anchorman.”

VC: “You are not a man.  You are a big fat joke.”

RB: “I’m a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn.  That’s what kind of man I am.  You’re just a woman with a small brain.  With a brain a third the size of us.  It’s science.”

VC: “I will have you know that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir.”

RB: “You are a smelly pirate hooker.” 

If Ron’s “science” is right, the Titans must be women with small brains for letting Steve “Air” McNair go to the Ravens.  That situation was set up perfectly for McNair to mentor their incoming 1st round draft pick, Vince Young.  Vince is not your prototypical pocket passing quarterback, so it would have made perfect sense for McNair, also not a pocket passer, to mentor him.  And, they already knew each other with Young flying to Nashville to workout with McNair last year, so why did the Titans screw this relationship up?  Who knows, but I’m sure it has something to do with Bud Adams and his un-ending desire to stick it to his hometown of Houston.  Maybe Bud should worry more about turning around a 4-12 team from last year than sticking it to a town he owned a team in over a decade ago.  They’ve moved on, maybe he should too. 

9.  Ron Burgundy: “The only way to bag a classy lady is to giver her two tickets to the gun show…”

RB: “and see if she likes the goods.” 

Head coach Marvin Lewis must feel like his invitation to the “gun show” was lost in the mail, but the rest of the team received theirs.  The Cincinnati Bengals have become the NFL version of the Portland Trailblazers with half a dozen off the field incidents with the authorities this off-season.  Starting with Chris Henry and his 3 arrests since December to the most recent incident with defensive end Matthias Askew who was ticketed for a parking violation but ended up on the ground on the wrong end of a taser!  A taser for a parking ticket?  What would they need if he was being charged with assault, the SWAT team?  Who is this guy, the Incredible Hulk?  Marvin Lewis has a lot on his plate this year with the high expectations from the city to make a playoff run, a quarterback who shredded his knee in their last game last season, and team with more convicts than Paul Crewe’s team in “The Longest Yard.” 

10.  Ron Burgundy: “Ladies and gentleman, can I please have your attention.  I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story.  I need all of you, to stop what you’re doing and listen.  Cannonball.”

Well, I’m ready to make a splash and make my predictions for the upcoming season.Division Winners:

NFC East:  Washington Redskins      AFC East:  New England Patriots

NFC South:  Carolina Panthers         AFC South:  Indianapolis Colts

NFC North:  Chicago Bears              AFC North:  Pittsburgh Steelers

NFC West:  Seattle Seahawks           AFC West:  Denver Broncos

NFC Wild Cards:  Dallas Cowboys, NY Giants

AFC Wild Cards:  Cincinnati Bengals, Miami Dolphins

NFC Champion:  Carolina Panthers

AFC Champion:  Indianapolis Colts

Super Bowl XLI – Carolina 32  Indianapolis 30 

We’ll see how it all pans out.  You stay classy San Diego.  

Terrell Owens is a Dirty Liar July 17, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Football, Sports, Tara Reid, Terrell Owens.
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In a story out of Dallas, Terrell Owens claims to have been misquoted in his new biography, T.O.  In the book, he describes firsthand how he came back so quickly from a leg fracture at the end of the 2004 football season to play in the Super Bowl, “If you’ll forgive me for saying so … nothing short of heroic.”  He’s now claiming that that T.O. co-author Jason Rosenhaus came up with the phrase himself.  The best part of this story isn’t that he was misquoted in his own book (which obviously he took the time to read before hand), it’s his quote at the front of the book “These are my words, straight from me to you” on the book’s second page.  Let’s ignore the fact that Owens is publishing his second biography in less than 20 months (honestly, who’s going to read it besides his mom?!?), and get to the obvious – that this is just another attempt by the media-whore Owens to get back in the public spotlight. 

The main reason I bring all this up is because it’s the only news-worthy football story that has come out in the past several months (besides Rothlisburger attempting to use his head and pole vault over a moving car), so I had to write about it.  You see, football – not futbol – is the greatest sport in all of the land.  It is a game played by lightning quick cats from the African safari, pirates that plundered the seas, and airplanes that fly out of New York City? and August through February it in the Caulfield household.  Anyway, Terrell Owens is starting his sideshow early this year, which is actually pretty surprising.  He usually waits until he’s actually played on the field for his new team to start this garbage but I guess as he gets older, he just keeps finding new ways to reinvent himself.  TO is one of those “special” players that for some reason thinks he’s more important than the other 52 players on his team yet there always seems to be some team willing to dish out the big bucks (i.e. Jerry Jones and his army of plastic surgeons and the Dallas Cowboys). 

Just a couple of boob-relatedthings I wanted to note, if anyone is in Miami right now or planning to be in Miami in the next couple days, Tara Reid is there right now so at least you know you are only 4 drinks away from getting laid.  That’s always a nice feeling.  And if anyone is in a limo right now, look to the back and see if Mischa Barton is in there.  If so, you are in luck, her nip popped out.

Tara in Miami and Mischa in a limo

tara-reid-miami-01.jpg     tara-reid-miami-10.jpg     tara-reid-miami-13.jpg     mischa-barton-serpentine-slip-04.jpg