jump to navigation

Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at


Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there


Paris’ arse, Izzy in a Bikini, and the Wonders of Photoshop October 3, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Erika Christensen, Janet Jackson, Katherine Heigl, Paris Hilton, Uncategorized.

 — We are going to start off today with an all too familiar topic: Paris Hilton and her inability to cover up her skanky ass.  Last week, at the anniversary party for Tao in the Venetian in Vegas, Paris, Katherine Heigl (Izzy on Grey’s Anatomy….grrrrr) and one of the least insane Jacksons, Janet (who was having a coinciding CD release party), were all there.  Paris pulled her standard maneuver to steal all of the attention by getting hammered, standing on stage, and pulling her skirt up to show her ass cheeks.  At least she decided to go with pink panties.  We’ve seen enough of her crab trap.  Will it never end with this girl?  Her dad must be so proud.  I mean, who wouldn’t be proud that at 25 your daughter was a world renowned old tramp who had her bits on the internet every week?  So, here’s  everyone at the party and the aforementioned ass cheeks.

kh01.jpg     kh02.jpg     833-ph201.jpg     836-ph22.jpg

Now we can get to the interesting part.  From the looks of the next pictures, they had some enormous snake at the party to greet people.  WTF you might ask?  Well, I completely agree, but I just can’t figure one thing out.  This would have been the perfect opportunity to take out that trampy Hilton and it was wasted.  Where is Steve Irwin when we need him now?  And screw GI Joe, that snake could have been the “Real American Hero”.  I don’t know why I’m not consulted on these things.  There would definitely be a lot fewer STDs out there.  And a couple other notes, why in the world is the “snake lady” wearing a corset and pasties?  I’m not complaining, but if I’d known that was standard snake handler wear, I’d be going to the zoo a hell of a lot more often.  And another thing, why is Janet Jackson dressed like a hobbit or some kind of extra for Star Wars at her CD release party.  That makes absolutely no sense to me unless she’s auditioning for a new jedi, something like Obi Wan Cleavage.

ph04.jpg     ph05.jpg     ph06.jpg

     jj01.jpg     jj02.jpg

— There were some pictures of Katherine Heigl earlier wearing some hideous outfit, so I thought you could use some pics of her in a bikini to even it out.  They aren’t the best quality and are from some foreign magazine that I can’t understand but they aren’t bad.  My favorite picture is the last one because it looks like they are laughing because they are being subtitled.

kh03.jpg     kh04.jpg     kh05.jpg

— One more note on Vegas.  It looks like our resident philandering octogenarian, Hugh Hefner, is reopening the Playboy Club in Vegas.  The franchise which at one time had 22 locations around the world, last closed its last doors in 1991.  It will be located on the top 3 floors of the Palms casino and will feature Playboy bunnies working as waitresses and dealers.  Sounds like a simply fantastic idea to me.  How did we live without this for fifteen years?

— The powers of photoshop are on full display in the newest issue of Q magazine.  Of the 20 different covers celebrating their 20th anniversary, one is of a pregnant Britney Spears looking very svelte except for her baby bump.  Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I switch to my ding dongs, ho-hos and cheetos diet, I usually find it difficult to keep my rock hard abs and chiseled frame.  But it looks like that works for Britney.  Maybe she has some crazy metabolism where she processes twinkies better than vegetables.  I guess it’s possible.  Actually, look at the pictures; it’s not possible at all.  All we want is the old spandex-wearing, chain smoking, K-Fag-less, Britney.  Is that so much to ask for?

bs01.jpg     bs02.jpg     bs03.jpg     4vrae.jpg

 — I haven’t watched this new show 6 Degrees on ABC after Grey’s Anatomy, but I’ll tell you one thing, if Erika Christensen and her gi-normous boobies are prominently involved, I need to find time for this show.  Or at least time on my TIVO.  And when did these appear?  The first picture is from a couple years ago and you can see quite a difference.  I just feel like I should be informed about these things.  A phone call maybe, an email notice at least?

 ec03.jpg    ec01.jpg     ec02.jpg

 — And one last thing, I know we are at war and all, but is it necessary for civilians to be carrying around weapons of mass destruction out in the open?  Mariah Carey had her mud cannons on full alert recently so we should all feel a little safer.

 mc01.jpg     mc02.jpg


Posh smuggles melons, Natalie slips, and the Sexiest Woman Alive October 2, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Sports, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.

 — In what has developed into an ongoing topic here at HC, it looks like Posh Spice and her knockers were out again last week in the produce section.  Now I know that her husband, soccer star David Beckham, just lost his spot on the English national team, but are they that hard up for money that they are in the smuggling business?  And if you were going to smuggle something for a profit, wouldn’t you chose something less obvious and more profitable than 2 enormous melons?  Maybe the melon market is different in other countries than it is here, but I can go to my local grocery store and buy a cantaloupe or honeydew for a couple bucks.  I guess the Brits have a love for melons that rivals their disdain for orthodontics.

victoria-beckham-boobs-01.jpg     victoria-beckham-boobs-02.jpg

— Although it really has nothing to do with anything recent, some pictures of Natalie Portman’s nipple surfaced from the movie Closer.  I find this interesting because just a couple months ago she discussed how she wouldn’t appear nude in any of her movies.  And since she has already appeared nude (not really nude, but a nip slip counts for something), I think she now falls under the “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” category.  You know what I think is funny about her?  She probably has the smallest boobs in Hollywood that people are actually clamoring to see.

 natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-03.jpg     natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-04.jpg     natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-05.jpg     natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-06.jpg

  — In the latest issue of Esquire magazine, hitting newsstands on October 18th, Scarlett Johansson is voted Sexiest Woman Alive.  What I don’t get is that the magazine describes her in the pictures (shown below) as an “enigmatic trailer-park temptress.”  What does that even mean?  If anyone should be described as trailer-park, it’s my girl Britney Spears and her Walmart-feet.  Anyway, the more I read about Scarlett, the more I don’t know how anyone can not like her.  When asked about all of the attention to her curves and hourglass figure, she says

“What about my brain? What about my heart? What about my kidneys and my gallbladder?”  

Later in the article, she also talks about how in making a sign to carry while photographed by the paparazzi, she wrote “The person taking this picture is harassing me,” but misspelled harass.   Could she be anymore down-to-earth?  And could her jugs be anymore fantastic?  Here are some pictures from the magazine so you don’t have to be a douche and go out and buy it.

scarlett-johansson-sexiest-01.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-02.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-03.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-04.jpg    

scarlett-johansson-sexiest-05.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-06.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-07.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-08.jpg

— And lastly, there is a great clip on YouTube of Denis Leary drunk and out of control at a recent Red Sox game.  Now you might be wondering why this is anything new for Denis Leary and I have the explanation.  Leary is hammered during the Red Sox broadcast on the air and discusses such things as Jewish baseball players on the Red Sox, Mel Gibson’s rehab, and the possibility of an all Jewish infield for the Red Sox.  Since today is Yom Kippur, I found this clip especially (in)appropriate.


LL is pantyless..again ,Britney reproduces…again, Paris punked…again, Claire Danes in Paris…again, and more…again September 13, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Carmen Electra, Claire Danes, Entertainment, James Bond, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Uncategorized.

 — The panty-less baby giraffe is at it again.  I don’t know what this girl’s deal is; maybe she thinks that if she ‘forgets’ her panties enough times she’ll bump her arch-rival, Paris, from the headlines.  Whatever she thinks, it’s working, because unless she starts dropping trow on a daily basis and I get tired of staring at her wrinkled bits, she’ll headline this site.


— It looks like our favorite corn-dog eating champion has once again reproduced.  The story came out last week that she was having Jailynn (her aptly named son – and by the way, when did Jailynn become a name, much less a GUY’S name?  I know, I know, it’s her parent’s names combined, I’m just so confused by the insanity), but now it is reported that she gave birth to a 6 pound, 12 ounce ball of redneck at 2AM this morning.  KFed apparently had to lay off the bong for a couple hours and drive her to the hospital for her C-section.  I can only imagine how this scene played out at the Spears – Federline household:

Britney (screaming through a mouthful of ding-dongs) – “Kevin, I think my water broke, but on the good side, I think my feet are finally clean.”

KFed (in a smokey haze) – “Damn biatch, what have I done told you about interupting my ‘private’ time?”

Britney – “Please…pretty please will you take me?  I don’t want to have to take the bus to the hospital again!  And can we get an extra bag of Cheetos for the road?”

And so is the life of Cletus and his beautiful bride Brandine.  Here’s a pic of Brandine and a rendering of offspring #2.

 4vrae.jpg     meet_pig_pen_big.gif

 — Well Paris has been spunked…I mean punked again.  Richard Branson, the uber-billionaire founder of Virgin records recently threw a Mad Hatter bash for his son’s birthday.  Enter Paris Hilton, the slut of all sluts, an unbelievably classless woman with no discernable talents who decided to turn this party into her very own by coming dressed as Alice.  Re-enter Branson who, once he got wind of this, had all of the 60 cocktail waitresses dress as Alice so she would blend in as the waitstaff.  To top it off, he “accidentally” thought she was a waitress and attempted to order a drink and walked off.  Screw Ashton Kutcher, hire Branson to host the next year of Punk’d.  That story was simply fantastic, needs no comments from me, and actually put a hop in my step.

 — What in the world have you been up to Claire Danes?  I can’t remember the last movie I saw her in besides Terminator 3, and I’m slightly embarrassed to say that I saw that movie (but damn, have you seen Arnold’s ass lately?  Mmmmm).  Anyway, just like I had a Kate Hudson story just for the hell of it yesterday, I’m doing the same with Claire.  And just like Kate, she’s not wearing a bra.  But unlike Kate, she’s wearing a white blouse that tends to be a little see-through when photographed in front of the Eiffel Tower.  Damn Frenchies and their trick photography! 

 cd001.jpg     cd003.jpg     cd002.jpg     cd004.jpg

 — In what is becoming a daily edition of WTF were they thinking, we have our newest entry, Carmen Electra.  I guess these are pictures from a fashion show, but for all I know, they could be pictures from her Vegas wedding to some freak like Marilyn Manson.  Or since they are remaking every movie that made at least $10, maybe this is an audition for Young Frankenstein.  I bet Gene Wilder is rolling over in his grave.  Oh…he’s not dead.

 electra_wireimage.jpg     carmen_electra_crazy_hair_01.jpg     carmen_electra_crazy_hair_02.jpg

 — And finally, the clip is out for the new James Bond Trailer.  It looks good except I can’t get over the guy that plays Bond.  He looks so full of himself, like some sort of blonde version of Steven Seagal.  I can’t decide if it looks good or not, so you can take a gander and decide for yourself.



Happy 4th! July 4, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Uncategorized.
add a comment



Elevators June 22, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Uncategorized.
1 comment so far

Invented by Alexander Miles of Duluth, Minnesota in 1887, one would think that the elevator was one of man's top 100 inventions.  But, the elevator has created many more problems than it has solved.  Besides promoting the lifestyles of fat-bastards world wide, there are many other less obvious problems created by the metal coffin.  This could be my #1 pet peave of all time, let's see who's with me.  When you are standing in an elevator and it opens on your floor, there isn't anything that makes me more pissed off than when someone tries to get on before you can get off.  Who does that?  And what's your hurry???  Besides violating the rules of simple etiquite, how about just holding the f' on?!?!?  Why that makes me so angry, I may never know, by hopefully you won't do it to me.  You might lose your f'ing head!


Wazzzup? June 21, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Uncategorized.
1 comment so far

Well, I'm new to the whole blogging game, but I figured I'd give it a shot.  I have some mildly entertaining ideas that you may or may not like.  Your choice, but the site's free, so if you don't like it, you can get the hell out.