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Sorry Kids, I’m out October 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Amber Tamblyn, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera, Claire Danes, Dane Cook, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Erica Durance, Erika Christensen, Eva Green, James Bond, Janet Jackson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Travolta, K-Fed, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Kristin Kreuk, Lindsay Lohan, Links, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Movies, Natalie Portman, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Pink, Rachel Bilson, Scarlett Johansson, Sophie Monk, Sports, Suri Cruise, Tara Reid, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.
2 comments

Well, I have some bad news.  Apparently I’m all out of space for pictures, so I’m getting the hell out of here.  If you want to keep reading Holden’s Rants, I’ll be at

http://holden–caulfield.blogspot.com/

Come to the new site if you enjoy nip slips and outlandish criticism of celebrities.

See you there

 HC

Posh smuggles melons, Natalie slips, and the Sexiest Woman Alive October 2, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Sports, Uncategorized, Victoria Beckham.
4 comments

 — In what has developed into an ongoing topic here at HC, it looks like Posh Spice and her knockers were out again last week in the produce section.  Now I know that her husband, soccer star David Beckham, just lost his spot on the English national team, but are they that hard up for money that they are in the smuggling business?  And if you were going to smuggle something for a profit, wouldn’t you chose something less obvious and more profitable than 2 enormous melons?  Maybe the melon market is different in other countries than it is here, but I can go to my local grocery store and buy a cantaloupe or honeydew for a couple bucks.  I guess the Brits have a love for melons that rivals their disdain for orthodontics.

victoria-beckham-boobs-01.jpg     victoria-beckham-boobs-02.jpg

— Although it really has nothing to do with anything recent, some pictures of Natalie Portman’s nipple surfaced from the movie Closer.  I find this interesting because just a couple months ago she discussed how she wouldn’t appear nude in any of her movies.  And since she has already appeared nude (not really nude, but a nip slip counts for something), I think she now falls under the “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” category.  You know what I think is funny about her?  She probably has the smallest boobs in Hollywood that people are actually clamoring to see.

 natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-03.jpg     natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-04.jpg     natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-05.jpg     natalie-portman-nipple-slip-closer-06.jpg

  — In the latest issue of Esquire magazine, hitting newsstands on October 18th, Scarlett Johansson is voted Sexiest Woman Alive.  What I don’t get is that the magazine describes her in the pictures (shown below) as an “enigmatic trailer-park temptress.”  What does that even mean?  If anyone should be described as trailer-park, it’s my girl Britney Spears and her Walmart-feet.  Anyway, the more I read about Scarlett, the more I don’t know how anyone can not like her.  When asked about all of the attention to her curves and hourglass figure, she says

“What about my brain? What about my heart? What about my kidneys and my gallbladder?”  

Later in the article, she also talks about how in making a sign to carry while photographed by the paparazzi, she wrote “The person taking this picture is harassing me,” but misspelled harass.   Could she be anymore down-to-earth?  And could her jugs be anymore fantastic?  Here are some pictures from the magazine so you don’t have to be a douche and go out and buy it.

scarlett-johansson-sexiest-01.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-02.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-03.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-04.jpg    

scarlett-johansson-sexiest-05.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-06.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-07.jpg     scarlett-johansson-sexiest-08.jpg

— And lastly, there is a great clip on YouTube of Denis Leary drunk and out of control at a recent Red Sox game.  Now you might be wondering why this is anything new for Denis Leary and I have the explanation.  Leary is hammered during the Red Sox broadcast on the air and discusses such things as Jewish baseball players on the Red Sox, Mel Gibson’s rehab, and the possibility of an all Jewish infield for the Red Sox.  Since today is Yom Kippur, I found this clip especially (in)appropriate.

HC

Britney sucks in her gut, Paris in Hell, and Posh’s pokies September 20, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Victoria Beckham.
6 comments

 — Here are some new pictures of Posh Spice and her pokies out on the town.  Are we sure that’s really her though?  I’m not a scientist, but people’s eyes usually don’t bulge out like that, and their skin doesn’t usually look like wax.  I think someone stole her wax figure out of Madame Tussaud’s and is carrying it around putting different outfits on her.  Some outfits just happen to be more revealing than others.  One thing we can all agree on though is that she has fantastic cans.  Silicone, wax, or whatever, they’re terrific.

vicposh.jpg     vicposh2.jpg

 — Although it pains me to talk about her, I have to mention this.  It looks like Paris Hilton has dropped another notch further into the depths of hell.  In her new video, Nothing in this World, she’s shown gyrating on what looks to be 12 year old boy.  No, not Pink, an actual 12 year old boy.  Anyway, I could care less about what the song is about or what the video is about; all I want to know is how this doesn’t break any child endangerment laws?  Isn’t there something in the Declaration of Independence about not allowing harlots within so many yards of children?  I swear I learned that in 7th grade.

parisboy1.jpg     parisboy2.jpg

 — Now the church is giving my girl, Jessica, a hard time too.  A Christian minister from Texas is now criticizing the Simpson sisters for using sex to sell their music.  Here are a couple tidbits from his rant and a couple of my comments:

“They don’t represent American standards and certainly not Christian standards,”

Interesting, I didn’t know molesting small boys and criticizing Muslims was an American or Christian standard.

“Their father has replaced his faith in the Lord with the love of money, which is the root of all evil. He has replaced holiness with horniness.”

This very well may be true, but his daughters are smoking hot and….seriously, I can’t argue with that.  Their dad creeps me the hell out.

“[Jessica and Ashlee] will reap the dismal crops they are sowing. Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither and they will be left with nothing but a hollow shell.”

Really?  “Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither”?  Has he heard of plastic surgery?  Maybe they don’t have it in the small ass town he’s from, but I think the last thing JS would do is let her boobs sag.  She flaunts those bad boys like she’s getting paid for it.  Oh wait, she is – I guess that’s the crazy Texan minister’s point, but I’d do it too if I was blessed with them (actually I’d probably stay home all day and play with them, but that’s the difference between you and me).  And lastly:

“But it looks like they’ve lost a lucrative segment of their record buyers along the way.”

According to my extensive research, 12 year old girls buy 2000% more albums than creepy Christian ministers.  Now this may be off by a small percentage, but much time was put into the calculations.

So what’s the big damn deal?  Maybe he’s just jealous because he can’t have kids who make tons of cash so he could retire.  Or, maybe he does have kids and they are ugly, talentless fools. 

 — So, while Redneck Spears was in the hospital having K-Fed’s spawn, it’s being reported that she also had a tummy tuck.  Now I’m no doctor, but I’ve watched enough infomercials to know that the only way to get rock-hard abs like mine is to do 2000 crunches daily with a brand name product, like the Ab Roller.  Why would Britney take the easy way out??  Because she’s easy.  Do you think K-Fed would disagree?  Maybe she needed to be skinnier to fit into her Corn-Dog costume for Halloween.  No matter how she does it, if she gets back into “Pre-KFag” shape like these pictures, I’m definitely okay with that.

 britney_spears_14.jpg     britney_spears_13.jpg

HC

Posh’s boobie, Biel’s kiss, and Aguilera’s hottness September 18, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Christina Aguilera, Entertainment, Jessica Biel, K-Fed, Lindsay Lohan, Pink, Victoria Beckham.
2 comments

— Fashion week was last week in NYC, and one of the best things to come out of it was the appearance of Victoria Beckham’s nipple.  Posh Spice usually just flaunts her silicone chest through her shirt with her headlights on (as seen in the first picture with the pink jacket), but it looks like one of the twins snuck out of her black dress last week.  Nipples want to see the fashions too.  The real question I have is, are her nipples as fake as her boobs?  I mean those water balloons are pumped up to maximum capacity and I just wonder if her nipples are actually that hard and pointy or if they’re just those plastic spouts they have on floats to blow them up.  Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit.  And when did she become an emotionless android?  The computer in War Games showed more personality.

victoria_beckham_1.jpg     victoria_beckham_slip_bug_2_big.jpg     victoria_beckham_slip_bug_big.jpg     victoria_beckham_slip_bug_3_big.jpg

 — In my perusing of the internet lately, I found some interesting pictures.  Usually, the only pictures I ever seem to find of Jessica Biel are of her working out or running with her dogs or working out and running with her dogs.  BORING!  So when I found pictures of her making out with a GIRL, I felt inclined to post them for you guys.  Now maybe she isn’t exactly making out, but that is only because the photographer was a little slow in squeezing off a picture because he was shocked by the sheer beauty of the kiss.  At least that’s what I’m going to think.  Plus with a tongue like that, the possibilities are just endless.

jessicabiel1.jpg     jessicabiel2.jpg     jessica_biel_tongue-thumb.jpg

 — My favorite little giraffe woman is in the news again and is quickly becoming cliche.  I’m going to keep this short and sweet because I know you need your Lindsay Lohan fix that doesn’t involve a beaver.  First of all, she broke her wrist last week –most likely rubbing one out for a Def Leppard roady.  And then, she went to a birthday party for her mom Dina last week that ended when her mom got sloshed (while setting a stellar example) and Lindsay told her to “Go to Hell”.  Now I don’t know about the birthday parties you guys go to, but at the ones I frequent, the mom usually doesn’t get hammered, and if she does we pretend not to notice.  We certainly don’t tell her to go to hell.  We just eat our cake and ice cream, and discretely spike our own cups of punch.  The Lohans are classy though, so I’ve got to be the one doing it wrong.  

 — Proving that opposites attract, I provide Exhibit A: Christina Aguilera, who is smoking hot, and her husband who is probably suppsoted to be guarding a pot of gold.  Look at him trying to kiss her.  He looks like a monkey trying to lick a coconut.  I seriously doubt they do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.  

christinabooty.jpg     christina_aguilera_cheek_pic_2_big.jpg     04.jpg     05.jpg

 — In what has become a national phenomenon, our WTF section brings you the cover photo to K-Fag’s new album.  What on this cover would actually inspire someone to buy it?  Maybe it’s the clean-cut image he’s portraying by not showing any of his poser tattoos.  No, maybe it’s the cards and the smoking cigarette next to him.  Nope, I’ve got it; it’s either the drink on fire or the sweet script in which ‘Playing with Fire’ is written in.  Yep, definitely the script.  If there’s any justice in this world, the prankster who graffitied Paris’ album will get a hold of this one too.  Although, what would he really do?  Make K-Fed look like a smug, no-talent, piece of shit?  Done and done.

kvcd01.jpg

 — And one last note, is Pink hot or just a 12-year old boy?  I’m totally confused.

 pink.jpg

HC