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LL is pantyless..again ,Britney reproduces…again, Paris punked…again, Claire Danes in Paris…again, and more…again September 13, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Carmen Electra, Claire Danes, Entertainment, James Bond, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Uncategorized.
3 comments

 — The panty-less baby giraffe is at it again.  I don’t know what this girl’s deal is; maybe she thinks that if she ‘forgets’ her panties enough times she’ll bump her arch-rival, Paris, from the headlines.  Whatever she thinks, it’s working, because unless she starts dropping trow on a daily basis and I get tired of staring at her wrinkled bits, she’ll headline this site.

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— It looks like our favorite corn-dog eating champion has once again reproduced.  The story came out last week that she was having Jailynn (her aptly named son – and by the way, when did Jailynn become a name, much less a GUY’S name?  I know, I know, it’s her parent’s names combined, I’m just so confused by the insanity), but now it is reported that she gave birth to a 6 pound, 12 ounce ball of redneck at 2AM this morning.  KFed apparently had to lay off the bong for a couple hours and drive her to the hospital for her C-section.  I can only imagine how this scene played out at the Spears – Federline household:

Britney (screaming through a mouthful of ding-dongs) – “Kevin, I think my water broke, but on the good side, I think my feet are finally clean.”

KFed (in a smokey haze) – “Damn biatch, what have I done told you about interupting my ‘private’ time?”

Britney – “Please…pretty please will you take me?  I don’t want to have to take the bus to the hospital again!  And can we get an extra bag of Cheetos for the road?”

And so is the life of Cletus and his beautiful bride Brandine.  Here’s a pic of Brandine and a rendering of offspring #2.

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 — Well Paris has been spunked…I mean punked again.  Richard Branson, the uber-billionaire founder of Virgin records recently threw a Mad Hatter bash for his son’s birthday.  Enter Paris Hilton, the slut of all sluts, an unbelievably classless woman with no discernable talents who decided to turn this party into her very own by coming dressed as Alice.  Re-enter Branson who, once he got wind of this, had all of the 60 cocktail waitresses dress as Alice so she would blend in as the waitstaff.  To top it off, he “accidentally” thought she was a waitress and attempted to order a drink and walked off.  Screw Ashton Kutcher, hire Branson to host the next year of Punk’d.  That story was simply fantastic, needs no comments from me, and actually put a hop in my step.

 — What in the world have you been up to Claire Danes?  I can’t remember the last movie I saw her in besides Terminator 3, and I’m slightly embarrassed to say that I saw that movie (but damn, have you seen Arnold’s ass lately?  Mmmmm).  Anyway, just like I had a Kate Hudson story just for the hell of it yesterday, I’m doing the same with Claire.  And just like Kate, she’s not wearing a bra.  But unlike Kate, she’s wearing a white blouse that tends to be a little see-through when photographed in front of the Eiffel Tower.  Damn Frenchies and their trick photography! 

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 — In what is becoming a daily edition of WTF were they thinking, we have our newest entry, Carmen Electra.  I guess these are pictures from a fashion show, but for all I know, they could be pictures from her Vegas wedding to some freak like Marilyn Manson.  Or since they are remaking every movie that made at least $10, maybe this is an audition for Young Frankenstein.  I bet Gene Wilder is rolling over in his grave.  Oh…he’s not dead.

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 — And finally, the clip is out for the new James Bond Trailer.  It looks good except I can’t get over the guy that plays Bond.  He looks so full of himself, like some sort of blonde version of Steven Seagal.  I can’t decide if it looks good or not, so you can take a gander and decide for yourself.

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HC

Lindsay sans bra, Kate with her bikini, and a little Tennis fo’ yo ass September 11, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, John Travolta, Kate Hudson, Lindsay Lohan, Maria Sharapova, Sports.
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 — As the weeks go by, I guess nothing about these young celebrities should surprise us anymore.  Lindsay Lohan seems to have gone to the Paris Hilton school of marketing because whether forgetting to wear panties as you get off a boat in Venice or going bra-less while wearing your see-through shirt as you walk down the street in LA, those two will stop at nothing to get their names in headlines every week.  Next thing you know, Jessica Simpson will be doing naked cartwheels in Times Square (if her dad’s lucky) or Scarlett Johansson will be riding a motorcycle over the Snake River naked just to steal the headlines from those two.  So as I’ve alluded to, Lindsay decided to continue her rebellion against underwear by walking the streets in a see-through shirt sans bra.  My favorite part of the outfit, besides the obvious, is the black fedora.  Who wears hats like that anymore??  Did she just get finished filming a remake to Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal?  What confuses me the most about this girl is that I can’t tell if she is doing all of these things on purpose.  Is this a concerted effort to prove to the world that she is the sluttiest 20-year old on the planet?  Or is she just a damn fool that gets too much attention for accomplishing VERY LITTLE.  I’m going with option A, because I can’t believe anyone with that kind of money would have hired ALL idiots to work with her.  I guess all I’m proving is that, for the 838th time, I tend to give people entirely too much credit.

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 — I found some new bikini pictures, and since they didn’t involve Lindsay, I felt compelled to post them.  Kate Hudson decided to bring out her stripity-striped bikini and head to the beach.  Damn she has a nice body.  That hippie-haired guy in that band we never hear anymore needs to do everything he can do to hold on to that.  He’ll clearly never do any better.  Too bad she’s not “stupid” enough to walk around without panties or generally make an ass out of herself on a consistent basis or we’d see her here on HC more often.  Since she doesn’t, I have to take advantage of what I get.  I threw in a picture from Almost Famous just in case you’d forgotten about her many talents.

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 — Speaking of hotties, look at the one on the left in this picture:

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WTF you might ask?  It’s Johnny Travolta and I know it’s for his role as Edna Turnblad in Hairspray, but after you get photographed kissing a guy just a couple weeks ago people start to question everything you do.  People like me.  So this is what I think, I think he’s a flaming douche-bag and that Scientology is making him dress like a woman and kiss men to try to take some of the heat off of Tom Cruise.  Only time will tell whether my theory is correct.

 — And one last sports note.  I don’t know if anyone watched the Women’s US Open final on Saturday night — I flicked it on during the Ohio State – Texas massacre — and holy crap am I going to start watching more women’s tennis.  Yes, I already knew that Maria Sharapova was a stone-cold fox, but did anyone catch her at the US Open?  She has to be one of the hottest women in sports and she actually has some talent, enough talent to win 2 Grand Slams. 

 _42069720_sharapovagetty_body.jpg     ms1.jpg     ms3.jpg

HC

Weekend Wrap – Britney + JailFed, Paris, Scarlett, LL and more September 8, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Elizabeth Hurley, Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Scarlett Johansson.
2 comments

I decided that since the weekend was upon us and with the return of pro football, that I should post something today so that you guys had something to read over the weekend.  And, because in between sitting by the pool at the Holden Caulfield mansion drinking frozen Cuba Libres (Frozen Rum and Cokes for you novice drinkers out there), checking the scores of my fantasy football teams, and re-looking at the pictures of Lindsay with no underpants, I might not have time to post for a couple days.  Anyway, I digress. 

Here are some stories from the past week that I just couldn’t let slip by:

 — Britney supposedly had her daughter yesterday during a scheduled C-section.  There were 2 conflicting reports.  One from ContactMusic reported that she was going to give birth to her daughter Jailynn (more on that later) yesterday at the UCLA Medical Center in Santa Monica, but the NY Daily Newsis reporting that she was planning to give birth next week on September 14th, coincidentally the same day her other spawn of K-Fed was born, Sean Preston.  So when is Britney going to have her daughter?  Who the hell cares?  More importantly, when is she going to stop popping out kids like a Pez dispenser and get hot again?  I long for the days of Britney in her red latex suit with a hint of cameltoe.  And what the hell is up with the name Jailynn?  I understand that it is supposed to be a combination of her parents’ names (Jamie & Lynn), so how in the hell did she get JAILynn?  I’m confused, is she making the Jail-Fed joke for us now?  I know she made fun of herself on the VMA’s 2 weeks ago, but making your kid’s name a joke?  That’s pretty rough….or brilliant.  Maybe she’s some kind of super-genius sent from the future to trick us all into being white trash and walking barefoot into gas station bathrooms. 

Old Britney (with cameltoe) & Fugly Britney:

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— The recent weeks haven’t been too kind to that trashy ho Paris Hilton.  First her debut album (using the term “album” extremely loosely) had sales of only 75,000 copies and barely cracked the Billboard Top 100.  Not that this surprised anyone seeing as I’d pay money to see monkeys playing banjos before I’d pay a nickel to that talentless tart.  To make matters worse (and by “worse” I mean hilarious), about 500 copies of her album were tampered with in the UK by an artist named Banksy and replaced with copies that had remixes with titles like: Why am I Famous?, What Have I Done? and What Am I For?.  The kicker was that they replaced the CD sleeve with pictures of her topless.  Now we’ve all seen her topless, but this was a simply fantastic prank on all levels.  The problem is though, with so few copies being bought, the odds are slim that one of those 500 golden CD tickets would actually be found.  But some were, and here are the pictures (I’ll let you guess which is the real one, and by the way, the one with the dog head is terrific):

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And to cap off her stellar week, pictures came out of Paris in handcuffs yesterday.  And no, it wasn’t from some kinky photo-shoot she did to make enough money for blow for the weekend.  She was pulled over for DUI while making a midnight run to In-N-Out Burger.  Now I am quite a fan of In-N-Out Burger myself, but I think if I “hadn’t eaten all day and had a margarita that afternoon” as Paris told Ryan Seacrest yesterday, I probably couldn’t blow .08 for the police.  And isn’t her blowing .08 the joke within itself?  It wouldn’t work nearly as well if it was anyone but Paris.  Here are some of her kinky pics:

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 — A quick story on Lindsay Lohan because honestly, I’m sick of talking about her.  Unless she’s going to go completely nude in a movie or Playboy, I’m not interested.  I mean, over the last couple of weeks, she’s had a nip slip, a side boob poking out of a potato sack and most recently she went commando in Venice.  So unless she puts it all together for a spread in Hustler, don’t call me.  Oh, who am I kidding, I love that little giraffe woman.  In the latest Lindsay “news”, she was apparently robbed at Heathrow Airport by a 20 year old woman who stole her Hermes bag with approximately $1 million dollars worth of jewelry and her medication.  I’m going to ignore the point that she owns $1 million dollars worth of jewelry seeing as her net worth is only around $7 million and simply question what “medication” she had that is so valuable?  As quoted by her rep and TMZ:

Lindsay’s rep, Leslie Sloane, confirms to TMZ the theft occurred and that Lindsay is extremely upset about the loss of personal belongings. “She is begging for the return of the items,” Sloane says. “She doesn’t care how she gets them back, she just wants her stuff back.”

The Hermès Birkin bag that was stolen also contained Lindsay’s much needed asthma medication.

Much needed asthma medication?  Lets be honest, I understand people can have serious asthma and it can be life threatening if not taken care of, but can’t you by that crap at any drugstore?  She’s F-ing Lindsay Lohan!  Couldn’t she have a whole case sent to her hotel at any time?   There are some things I just don’t understand.

 — Most of you out there know that any chance I get to talk about Scarlett Johansson and her fantastic chest, I will.  So here’s to not letting you down.  This past week, Scarlett had a few too many “champagne cocktails”, was a little tipsy, and broke into her neighbor’s apartment by mistake.  She explains (Starpulse):

“I was coming home, it was very late, mind you, it was like four in the morning. Maybe I’d had like one too many champagne cocktails, or whatever… But I got home, of course I wasn’t driving, and I opened my door and it wasn’t my kitchen! It was somebody else’s kitchen and I left and I realized my key opens up somebody else’s door in my building. It like slides right in and opens it up!

“I slammed the door shut as quickly as I could and I ran to the stairs because I didn’t want them to think, ‘Who the hell was that?’ It was a disaster! Then I thought maybe I should go back and see if they had a can of Coke or something… I just got back from Venice (from the Venice Film Festival), so I don’t have any groceries!”

What?!?!?  I’ve been kneeling next to my bed for the past year praying that this would happen to me and for nothing?  Scarlett Johansson drunk at 4AM in your apartment?  That’s like finding the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and actually getting to meet a leprechaun too.  That’s like the holy grail of medicine, the Front Butt.  I don’t know what to think anymore.  Well, here are some pics of her breasticles from her recent Tonight Show appearance:

 scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-01.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-03.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-04.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-07.jpg     scarlett-johansson-tonight-show-09.jpg

 — And one last thing.  These pictures of Elizabeth Hurley are just amazing.  She is 41 years old and has a 4 year old son and is still that hot???  How is that genetically possible?  She’s definitely in the Diane Lane and Heather Locklear category for hottest celebrity MILFs around.  Grrr….

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Have a great weekend kids.

HC

NFL Preview – NFC North, NFC West, AFC East, AFC North September 7, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Football, Sports.
1 comment so far

Well, as some of you may have noticed, I was doing some previews of each NFL division over the past couple of weeks.  And, you also may have noticed that I haven’t posted one in weeks.  Now instead of calling me names like “Slack-ass” and “Stupid piece of crap” maybe you should be happy for the half of the league I did review.  Greedy bastards.  Well, I decided that since the beginning of the season is upon us in just a couple hours, it would be appropriate for me to actually finish my reviews.  For the sake of time though, I’m just going to do a quick recap of each division just so you know what’s going on.  Like I actually know myself.

NFC North– The NFC’s northern division will once again be dominated by the Chicago Bears and their top-notch defense.  I loved the way the Bears approached the draft this year: if they couldn’t get a top notch offensive talent they weren’t going to waste it.  So what did they do?  They drafted almost exclusively defense to make their top-ranked defense even more potent.  Expect a lot of 10-3 games at Solider Field this year.  Next up should be the improving Minnesota Vikings.  After last year’s ‘Sex Boat’ scandal you can expect new coach Brad Childress to install some discipline on this team.  The additions of new RB Chester Taylor and All-Pro Guard Steve Hutchinson should help this team put some points on the board.  Bringing up the rear of the division will be the Detroit Lions and the Green Bay Packers.  The Lions have been in complete disarray the past several years under the guidance of GM Matt Millen and the addition of Offensive Coordinator Mike Martz won’t help the situation.  After blowing draft picks on Joey Harrington (traded to Miami), Charles Rogers (cut), and Mike Williams (currently their 5th WR), the Lions have no depth and no direction.  This isn’t the year they turn it around.  As for the Packers, hopefully this is Brett Favre’s swansong.  He came back to a team hurting for talent on both sides of the ball, but like a fat girl at the prom, he’s just happy to be there.  The 2 biggest questions for the Pack will be if Favre throws fewer INTs than TDs this year and if they can win as many games as his jersey number – 4.  For you non-football peeps, that’s not good.

Predicted Records:  Chicago Bears  11-5,  Minnesota Vikings  8-8,  Detroit Lions  5-11,  Green Bay Packers  4-12

NFC West– This is another division that should be dominated again by last year’s division winner.  The Seattle Seahawks made it all the way to the Super Bowl last year, and no one in their division should stand in their way of making the playoffs again this year.  Although the loss of Steve Hutchinson will hurt the offense, the additions of Nate Burleson and 2-time Pro-Bowl LB Julian Peterson should more than make up for that loss on the other side of the ball.  The only team in the NFC West with a chance to unseat the Seahawks is the St. Louis Rams.  Now that the Mike Martz experiment has failed and Martz has been pawned off on Detroit, the Rams should be able to field an extremely talented offense led by the threesome of QB Marc Bulger, RB Steven Jackson, and WR Torry Holt.  If Bulger can get some protection and time to throw the ball and if Jackson can run effectively, the Rams could push the Seahawks in the division and should definitely contend for the Wild card.  Vying for third in the West is the vastly improved Arizona Cardinals.  Behind the guidance of new head coach Dennis Green and with the key addition of All-Pro RB Edgerrin James, the Cardinals’ offense should be one of the best in the league.  Pairing James with WRs Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin has tons of potential, but the question mark will still be on the health of QB Kurt Warner.  A healthy Warner could lead to a wild card berth, but an injury early on will force rookie QB Matt Leinart into action and another sub-par season.  Bringing up the rear of the division, as they have the past 2 years, will be the San Francisco 49ers.  Once one of the top franchises in the league, the 49ers have fallen all the way to the bottom of the league, turning dynasty to disaster.  Without some radical changes, they don’t look to be moving up anytime soon.  The only bright spot for the 49ers should be RB Frank Gore who is finally healthy and looks primed for a breakout season.

Predicted Records:  Seattle Seahawks  12-4,  St. Louis Rams  8-8,  Arizona Cardinals  7-9,  San Francisco 49ers  4-12

AFC East – Now on to the AFC’s eastern division.  This should be a 2-team race between the steady New England Patriots and the upstart Miami Dolphins.  Some of the Patriots losses could have a huge impact on the race though.  Losing PK Adam Vinatieri and LB Willie McGinnist will have a huge impact on the team both on the field and in the locker room.  The holdout of their top WR Deion Branch also doesn’t help the offense, but they still have the best field general in the league when it comes to leading his team to the ultimate prize in February, so my money is still on NE.  Hot on their tails will be the Miami Dolphins who finally realized that incompetence at the QB position does not win championships.  For the first time since Dan Marino retired in 2000, the Dolphins have some talent at QB that will help them win games.  Along with Nick Saban’s coaching talent and the always talented defense, Miami is primed to reappear in the playoff race this year.  Battling to bring up the rear of the division will be the Buffalo Bills and the New York Jets — as was the case last year.  Buffalo’s biggest off-season acquisition was none of their own work, but the work of science, as star LB Takeo Spikes comes back from injury to stiffen up their defense.  Their offense is still full of questions, but RB Willis McGahee is showing the speed and burst that he had in Miami before his horrific knee injury in the Orange Bowl.  J P Losman is still a liability at QB, but this is his year to put up or shut up before he finds himself sharing a tent with Ricky Williams in 2007.  The NY Jets have issues on both sides of the ball and after looking closely at their schedule, I only see about 5 games they even have a chance to win.  With their disarray at the QB position and the uncertainty at RB, their offense will be lucky to score 14 pts a game, and they definitely don’t have the defense to stop anyone.  J-E-T-S?  Suck.  Suck.  Suck.

Predicted Records:  New England Patriots  11-5,  Miami Dolphins  10-6,  Buffalo Bills  5-11,  New York Jets  5-11

AFC North – And finally on to the division with our defending Super Bowl champion.  Pittsburgh should still be solid, but the health of both QB Ben Rothlisberger and WR Hines Ward will have a huge effect on their offense.  Their defense should still be solid, but I don’t know if that will be enough to hold off the extremely talented squad from Cincinnati.  With QB Carson Palmer looking healthy and a receiving corps that is loaded from top to bottom – both on and off the field – the Bengals will be a tough team to beat if than can keep themselves out of the big house.  One question for the Bengals though: with such a defensive minded head coach in Marvin Lewis, why hasn’t the defense shown up yet?  Maybe this will be the year.  As far as the rest of the division, count me as one that thinks the Steve McNair pick-up by the Baltimore Ravens was like using a band-aid to fix a severed leg.  I don’t see anyway that even a healthy McNair can lead this offense to a winning record, and healty is a big “if” for Air McNair.  Plus on defense, S Ed Reed is still a monster in the middle, but LB Ray Lewis looks to be a step slower and they just aren’t the powerhouse they were when the won the Super Bowl 5 years ago.  Bringing up the rear of the division this year will bethe Cleveland Browns.  With Charlie Frye at QB – Who?!? – Reuben Droughns at RB, oft-injured Kellen Winslow Jr. at TE and Braylon Edwards at WR, the Browns have some talent on offense, but I just don’t see one stand-out player on that offense that puts any fear into a defense.  LB Willie McGinnist will help on defense, but he’s only one out of eleven, so I wouldn’t count on a big change.

Predicted Records:  Cincinnati Bengals  12-4,  Pittsburgh Steelers  11-5,  Baltimore Ravens  7-9,  Cleveland Browns  6-10

HC

Lindsay’s bald eagle, Suri Cruise is real…kind of, and much more! September 6, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Christina Aguilera, Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan, Suri Cruise.
3 comments

I know I’ve been slacking off the last couple of weeks, and I know no one wants to hear my excuses.  Well, I’m back now, so let’s get it started.

 — Lindsay Lohan has been quite busy over the past couple of weeks.  Besides wearing multiple NEW bikinis, she’s most recently been in Venice promoting her new movie Bobby.  As she’s been skipping around the Italian countryside of Venice, she’s done quite a few interesting things.  Here they are in no particular order. 

First off, at the premiere of Bobby last night, she showed up with her boyfriend, the Pink Taco himself, Harry Morton.  More importantly, she showed up with a giant marble on her finger.  Is she engaged?  Who really cares?  What I want to know is how you afford to buy something like that?  I guess being the heir to the famous Pink Taco franchise (currently 2 restaurants in Vegas and Scottsdale) / and having a dad own the Hard Rock franchise makes that much money.  Possible.  I think he makes his mad cash by running an illegal howler-monkey fighting ring under the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas.  That’s just a guess, but I have a gut feeling on this one.

Here are some pictures of the giant bauble and some other jewelry that are so gaudy, they look fake:

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So after her fancy night at the premiere, I guess she and Harry decided to go on a boat ride somewhere around Venice.  This seems logical I mean Venice has canals throughout the entire city.  The unusual part of the trip is that Lindsay brought her beaver with her and that doesn’t necessarily seem like a good idea.  Generally, beavers are indigenous to the Northwestern United States and enjoy building dams and eating wood.  At least thats what I learned from Looney Toons, which I take as a factual depiction of their lives.  Anyway, the boat ride makes perfect sense, but the beaver seems completely out of place.

What do you think? (Pictures by WWTTD)

****UPDATE ***** – Looks like these are fake, here’s the real one.

*****UPDATED AGAIN***** Well, it looks like as we first reported, the pictures are real.  The photographer has come forward and told the real story.  Looks like LL has some people pretty high up the food chain on her panty patrol.

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But seriously, does this really surprise you?  We all knew she had a beaver and would eventually take it with her and let the world see it.  There’s no secret there.

 — In other interesting news, it turns out that Suri Cruise isn’t an alien like had been previously reported on other ridiculous blogs.  She is a real child as the pictures in the newest issue of Vanity Fair prove.  Actually they don’t prove a damn thing.  That could still be a fake kid.  It’s not like she’s moving in the picture or anything.  And who’s to say it’s their kid at all.  I guess I’m really just struggling with the fact that she looks so normal and I don’t see any devil horns or anything.  Maybe she has a tail!  That’s it, she definitely has a tail.

Here are the pictures from Vanity Fair:

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 — Next up, Christina Aguilera and her giant jugs.  I just can’t say enough about those things.  I know I talked about them a couple weeks ago, but they just boggle my mind.  She’s what, 5′-2″ tall, 100 lbs, wearing a size 0 dress with solid Double D’s?  But are they both Double D’s?  In those first pictures it looks like it could be a D and an E for god’s sake.  Is that possible?  I’m no physics professor but I say no.  Yet picture after picture says yes.  Oh well, I’ll just keep staring in amazement. 

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 — And lastly, I’m sure everyone’s heard this story already but Monday morning while filming a documentary on stingrays, the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin was killed.  A pioneer in being a crazy bastard with wild animals, Irwin died after being stabbed in the heart by one of the rays.  He then pulled the barb out and immediately passed out.  The only reason I bring this up is that because of all the ridiculous shit he’s pulled over the years, who would have guessed he would have gone this way?  Eaten by a crocodile?  Check.  Bitten by a Green Mamba?  Check.  Bitten by a Great White?  Check.  Speared by a Stingray?  Huh?  Oh well, I just think that if he had to be speared by anything, it should have been something amazing, like a unicorn or a triceratops but that’s just me.

HC

2006 Emmy’s bring down the house and someone’s top too. August 28, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment.
4 comments

Honestly I don’t how exciting they were because I was watching more important things like preseason NFL football and Entourage.  But, there are several things I have discovered this morning that are more than noteworthy and include a nip slip during the awards.

First off, there were some definite hotties there, one of which is a preggo that is still damn hot.  And given what little I know about fashion, I can’t tell if Jennifer Love Hewitt’s dress is asymmetrical or if one of her breasticles is much bigger than the other.  I would never discriminate against a giant boob, but I’d like to see them in person and in all their glory to make an educated opinion.  For sake of science of course.  Oh, and I’m pretty sure there’s a tranny standing behind her.

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 And some not-so-hotties.  I know that Paula Abdul is semi-famous, mostly for her drunken slurs on American Idol, but they should institute a rule that if you shop at Salvation Army, you can’t attend awards shows.  Agreed?  And I don’t know if I missed something, but how was the bumbling mother-daughter team of Riverses not nominated for their highly comical red carpet shows?  Joan has no idea where she, is except that it is “fabulous,” and Melissa is just hanging on her mom’s surgically altered coattails.

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Secondly, a couple random notes: Did Gillian Anderson have to eat all of the unsold X-Files DVD’s to get invited to this thing?  Someone please tell Ellen Pompeo to eat something.  I don’t think I can handle another hot actress going the way of Skeletor.  Although her dress is ugo, when did Tracey Gold get hot?  And when did Morgan Fairchild (age 56) get those giant jugs?  Why isn’t Sarah Chalke (Elliott from Scrubs) in more things?  She looks damn good.  And finally, Dr. Melfi needs to put down the canoli and get on a Stairmaster every once in a while. 

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As far as the winners go, some of them were interesting – Jeremy Piven from Entourage for best Supporting Actor in a Comedy, Julia Louis-Dreyfus for best Actress in a Comedy (apparently this was awarded for her work in “The New Adventures of Old Christine” which if there are more than 6 people who have even heard of this show, I’d be shocked), and The Office winning for best Comedy during which, there was a wardrobe malfunction.  Sorry though, it wasn’t Pam (Jenna Fisher) but the EXTREMELY ANNOYING Kelly (Mindy Kaling).  Also, did everyone catch the opening monologue by Conan?  It was fantastic. 

Here’s Conan’s monologue:  21.jpg

HC

 

Fat Feats – Top Ten Sports Fat Asses August 28, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Baseball, Basketball, Football, Sports.
2 comments

There are a million Top 10 lists out there, but those have all been for athletes and athletic accomplishments that we couch potatoes could never achieve.  Well, that needs to change.  There need to be lists out there of things we can accomplish.  So to kick off this phenomenon, I’m doing my own list, a list of fat bastards who still made significant achievements in the sporting world. 

11. (Honorable Mention) – Phil “Bitch-tits” Mickelson– 6′-2″, 190 lb – 225 lb – Now I know I said this was a top 10 list, but I thought this was the perfect spot for Phil.  His weight has fluctuated up and down the past several years bringing him in and out of contention for a spot on this list.  Currently he sits on the outside looking in, but last year when he won the Masters he had a full set of D cups bouncing around.  Once known as the “best golfer not to have won a major”, Phil finally won his first major in 47 tries by winning the 2004 Masters.  He followed that up with victories at the 2005 PGA Championship and the 2006 Masters.  Phil – leave the gym and eat a chili cheese dog.  We want you back.

10. William “Refrigerator” Perry – 6′-2″, 370 lb – The nickname alone tells you that this former Chicago Bears defensive tackle was one huge guy.  Looking more like ‘Fat Bastard’ from Austin Powers than a football player, Perry is known mainly for scoring a touchdown as a rookie in Super Bowl XX and for the gap in his teeth that you could fit a hamburger through.  After his Super Bowl success, Perry really made it big by having a GI Joe action figure designed after him.  The remainder of Perry’s career was relatively quiet as he played in just 138 games over an 11 year career in the NFL.  The Fridge was a beast and paved the way for future great fat asses to show up at training camp 95 pounds overweight.  (e.g. Larry Allen, #8 below).

9.  Sebastian “Fat-foot” Janikowski – 6’2″, 250 lb– The Polish Pork-chop has been a fixture on the Oakland Raiders the past 5 seasons as their place kicker and resident jailbird.  Having been arrested multiple times for offenses such as assault, bribery of a cop, and possession of GHB Seabass’ off-the-field record has overshadowed his on-the-field performance.  Janikowski was the nation’s top kicker in his final 2 seasons at Florida State and has ranked in the top half of the league his entire career in the NFL — except of course when he was sidelined in 2001 for “cellulitis of the foot”!  Fat-Foot?!?!  Who knew that was even real until that ran on the NFL injury reports.  Janikowski makes me proud of my Polish roots.  A lesser fat ass would have been deported by now.

8.  Larry Allen – 6′-3″, 325 – 360 lbs– Allen was an anchor of the Dallas Cowboy’s offensive line for the past 12 years before leaving in free agency to join the San Francisco 49ers this past off-season.  Known for his enormous size and strength (he has benched 700 lbs, squatted 900 lbs, and is the reigning Strongman champion in the NFL), Allen is also well-known for his enormous appetite (he has been known to eat an entire large pizza and drink a 2-liter of cola before games) and sweat stains (thanks to John Madden’s telestrator).  His appetite and excessive sweating ability hasn’t kept him from succeeding though as he’s been to 10 Pro Bowls and been voted All-Pro 8 times.  He should have retired as a Cowboy, but I’m not telling him that to his face unless I’m armed with a giant bucket of chicken and a liter ‘o cola.

7.  Cecil “Big Daddy” Fielder – 6′-3″, 240 lb – 270 lb– A power hitter in the ‘deadball’ era, Fielder hit 51 home-runs in 1990 becoming, at the time, only the 11th player to hit over 50 home runs in a season and only the 2nd in the past 25 years to accomplish that feat.  Never a slim man, Fielder’s weight fluctuated throughout his career, but he reached his peak fighting weight as he helped the New York Yankees reach and win the World Series in 1996.  A 3-time All-Star, Fielder gets bonus points for having a son (Prince Fielder) who weighs close to 3 bills and is the starting first baseman for the Milwaukee Brewers.  God bless the American League’s designated hitter for paving the way for fat asses like Cecil and Big Papi Ortiz.

6.  David “Boomer” Wells – 6′-3″, 230 lb – 260 lb – Wells, who currently pitches for the Boston Red Sox, has bounced around the league bringing his unique personality and drinking prowess to each team he’s been to.  Wells has pitched for 18 seasons, accumulating 227 wins, 3 All Star selections, and was the MVP of the 1998 ALCS.  He is probably best known for wearing an actual Babe Ruth hat when he pitched his perfect game in 1998.  It has also been told that he drank a pitcher of beer in between each inning of that game too.  God I hope that’s true.  I try to replicate that feat every time I watch an Astros game.

5.  Shaquille O’Neal – 7′-1″, 315 lb – 345 lb – A 4-time NBA Champion with the LA Lakers and Miami Heat, O’Neal has been a beast in the middle for the past decade.  As the 1st pick overall in the 1992 NBA draft out of LSU, O’Neal was barely pushing 300 lbs but as his weight has grown, so have the accolades.  A 3-time Finals MVP with the Lakers, O’Neal was the 1999 League MVP, 12 time All-Star, and voted one of the Top 50 players in the NBA.  He’s also broadened his career with his rapper alias ‘Shaq Diesel’ and the classic film ‘Kazaam’.  Lately Shaq has even begun taking the beginnings of seasons off to get in shape so that he has to work as little as possible but can still excel during the playoffs.  We can all hope that one day we’re in a position to negotiate a contract allowing us to skip the first third of the work day so we don’t have to strain ourselves later.

4.  George Foreman – 6′-3″, 217 lb – 250 lb – The weight change in George Foreman didn’t just take place over a couple years, but over the 20 years in between the 2 times he held the boxing Heavyweight title.  Originally a gold medalist in the 1968 Olympics, Foreman first won the title in 1973 over Joe Frazier.  He didn’t win it again until 1994 when at age 45 he was outboxed for 10 rounds until he connected with a devastating right hook and knocked out Michael Moorer.  Now more well-known for selling tires and electric grills, the robust Foreman hasn’t missed many meals since his career started almost 40 years ago.  He is a fatty helping average joes meet their full-fat potential.  You already had several ways to cook a burger (your grill or frying pan, etc…), but Foreman found a way to do it faster.  That extra minute you stand around waiting for the other side of the burger to brown is a minute of calorie absorption wasted.

3.    Charles “The Round Mound of Rebound” Barkley – Listed @ 6′-6″, 250 lb, Closer to 6′-4″, 300lb – One of the best power forwards to play the game, Barkley earned a reputation for saying and doing whatever he wanted on and off the court.  A tireless worker on the court, he didn’t have the best work ethic off of it, resulting in his ballooning at the end of his career.  A 2 time gold medalist, member of the NBA top 50 players and MVP of the 1993 NBA season, Barkley was never one to turn away from a microphone with classics like:

“I don’t care what people think.  People are stupid.”

Charles Barkley: “I’m so sick of fat people.”
Kenny Smith: “Why? You can’t live with yourself?”
Barkley: “First of all, they killed Oreos.  You know they can’t make the Double-Stuff Oreos anymore because fat people can’t keep their mouths shut.  Now they’re killing the McDonald’s super-size.  Can you believe that?  Just because fat people are lazy and don’t work out and can’t keep their mouths shut, they have to ruin it for everybody.  They’ll probably kill ice cream next! Is that my fault they can’t stop eating?  I’m so sick of these fat people suing these companies.  Stop eating!”

and my personal favorite:

Greg Gumbel: ” Happy St Patrick’s Day”.
Barkley: “Great. Another reason for the Irish to go out and drink.”

I can’t wait to vote for him for President.

2.  “Big” John Daly – 5′-11″, 220 lb – 250 lb – Known as one of the longest drivers on tour for the past 15 years, Daly has earned a reputation for living life fast and hard in every sense of the word.  A 2-time major winner, Daly won the PGA Championship in 1991, his rookie season, and followed that up with a British Open Championship in 1995 at St. Andrews.  Since then, his life has been full of ups and downs, mostly downs though with excessive gambling, drinking, smoking, and mullet-wearing.  He admits to losing over $50 million gambling and only puts his cigarettes down to tee off.  Daly is everything sports shouldn’t be, and we love him for it.

1.  George “Babe” Ruth – 6′-2″, 215 lb – 270 lb –  Arguably the greatest baseball player of all time, he was the 1st player in baseball history to hit 20, 30, 40, 50, and 60 home-runs.  He also set the home-run record at 60 home-runs, which stood for 34 years until it was broken by Roger Maris in 1961.  But, some of his greatest feats took place, not on the playing field, but at the local diner.  Ruth was once said to have eaten 24 hot dogs in one sitting, and that was between the 2 games of a double header.  He was also said to have gone to Coney Island one morning and eaten 4 Porterhouse steaks, 8 hot dogs, and drank 8 sodas just as a pregame snack.  With those eating skills and hitting his last home run at a stout 270 lbs, Ruth reigns supreme of Fat Athletes.

HC

Lindsay makes more cash and K-Fed still sucks August 25, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Britney Spears, Entertainment, Lindsay Lohan, Sports.
1 comment so far

 — File this away under “How does this bitch keep making money with no discernable talents, giant jumblies, and a firecrotch?”  Well maybe it has something to do with the jumblies.  Anyway, Lindsay Lohan is selling her West Hollywood condo for $2.85 million after buying it for $1.9 million just last year.  And here’s the real kicker, she never moved in!  Who blows that kind of money on a house and never moves in?  The type of girl that would blow MacGuyver if that got her into a club faster — that’s who.  The reason she never moved in is because she’s been living at the posh Chateau Marmont hotel for the past 9 months.  I’m sure her activities included sitting on the beach and throwing DVD release parties for Herbie 4 – Herbie is a Tin Can from Mexico.  By my rough calculations, which are very rough because I get confused by the 99 bottles of beer song, I bet she has spent close to $150,000 on her hotel and looks to make close to a million bucks on her unused condo.  If she makes that kind of cash for doing pretty much nothing, why is she always wearing that potato sack?  Anyway, as far as the house goes at least all prospective buyers will know that if the house is anything like the girl, the carpet will match the drapes.

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 — Poor K-Fed.  Not only is he getting eaten out of house and home by his Chunky Monkey for a wife, but his career is going nowhere too.  What’s new about that you might ask?  Well, after having to produce his own album because he was told the Wiggles had more talent, he some how landed a gig at last week’s Teen Choice awards.  In true K-Fed fashion he felt the need to prove his lack of talent to the world and sing his new single, “Lose Control”.  Now I know you thought Paris Hilton was a talentless whore, and I’m not disagreeing, but at least she is easy on the eyes.  K-Fed is just a douche bag who hit the lottery by marrying a Louisiana hick who might just be stupider than he is.  At the show, his song predictably bombed and to top it off, no one even wanted to come to his after party.  A source said:

“After everyone saw Kevin’s performance, no one wanted to be stuck having to pretend it was good.”

My guess as to why no one showed up?  Not because of K-Fed’s lack of talent but because they were worried they would get injured in the melee of Britney charging the buffet table.

 — I don’t know how many of you out there read the Sports Guy at ESPN, but his latest article is one of his funniest.  Just a couple tidbits:

Q: Was I the only one expecting Josh Blue to pull off the Keyser Soze “straightening walk” after he won “Last Comic Standing,” as a stunned Anthony Clark drops his coffee?
–Frank B., Bethlehem, Pa.

SG: The only one who’s headed to hell? Or the only one, period?

Q: What do you think your daughter’s nickname is going to be on the 2023 edition of “Flavor of Love?”
–Matt D., New York

SG: Orphan

Utterly Fantastic. 
HC

NFL Preview – AFC West August 23, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Football, Sports.
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So it’s back to NFL previews, and this week we are starting with the AFC West.  Full of teams with plenty of potential, the AFC West has 3 teams that could potentially win the division and one team that is in line to have the first choice in the Brady Quinn / Adrian Peterson sweepstakes.

AFC West Review (Ranked by Predicted Record)

1.  Denver Broncos –(Predicted: 11-5) – After a season where they made it to the AFC Championship game on the arm of Jake Plummer and the legs of Tatum Bell and Ron Dayne, the Broncos look to make it to the Super Bowl this year, again relying on the arm of Plummer and on the legs of Bell.  However, this time it might not be Tatum Bell, the 2nd round draft pick out of Oklahoma State, but undrafted rookie Mike Bell out of the University of Arizona.  As the newly appointed starter, Mike Bell looks to be the next in a long line of 1,000-yard rushers in the Denver backfield and carry the Broncos to the next level.  It is still questionable whether Mike Bell will remain the starting RB in Denver.  With competition from Tatum Bell and former Heisman trophy winner Ron Dayne, he might not be able to hold on to the top spot.  The Denver running game has long been the staple for their success, but the addition of former Pro-Bowl WR Javon Walker will add to their passing offense.  It’s also questionable if Denver’s defense (who made no major additions in the off-season) will be able to stop anyone come January.  You can depend on the frequent snowstorms at your stadium and score 50 points a game, but it doesn’t matter when your opponents score 51. 

2.  Kansas City Chiefs – (Predicted: 9-7) – We all know that KC can run the ball.  In the recent past the’ve featured prolific ball carriers Priest Holmes and last year’s surprise star Larry Johnson, but can they do anything else?  Even with the loss of OT Willie Roaf, Larry Johnson should still be a fantasy and rushing stud as he’ll push the 2,000-yard mark for the next several seasons.  The Cheifs have struggled through on the other side of the ball.  Will the addition of defensive minded head coach Herm Edwards help a defense that has ranked in the bottom third of the league the past 4 years running?  In addition to the new blood at the helm, the Chiefs also added star CB Ty Law to play along 2nd-year LB Derrick Johnson, so their defense should be on the upswing, but with no major additions on offense, I don’t see the Chiefs overtaking the Broncos this year.

3.  San Diego Chargers – (Predicted: 9-7) – On a team that finished 9-7 last year, but finished 1-3 in their last 4 games, what do you think the best move would be?  Release your Pro-Bowl QB in exchange for a 3rd year QB who has only thrown 30 passes in the NFL?  I didn’t think so, but that is exactly what this team, formerly on the cusp, did.  Philip Rivers may turn out to be a Pro-Bowler in his own right, but besides the money factor I don’t understand how you just let a solid QB like Drew Brees walk away.  I guess Marty Schottenheimer knows a lot more than I do.  Actually who doesn’t?  Anyway, the Chargers still have offensive stars in Ladanian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates, but the void of experience at QB scares me.  I don’t think they get over the playoff hump this year.

4.  Oakland Raiders – (Predicted: 3-13) – I don’t know how a team could go from making the Super Bowl in 2002 to only winning 14 games over the last 4 years.  And no, that isn’t a typo.  The Raiders have only won 14 games over the last 4 years — less than the Houston Texans, less than the 49ers, and even less than that garbage in Cleveland.  Will they turn it around this year?  Hell no.  If Al Davis is constructing this team, he must have gone completely senile several years ago.  Their best free agent pickup this year….Aaron Brooks.  Now the only reason you might know who Aaron Brooks is, is because he’s well known in fantasy football circles for having decent season stats that are loaded with 2 or 3 game amazing performances and 13 to 14 games of stinkers.  Is that who you want leading your team into the season?  Of course not, but on the plus side, they do have a cocky receiver in Randy Moss, and they released their best cover cornerback, Charles Woodson.  Oh, those aren’t good things.  Hello Raiders, you are currently on the clock for the 1st draft pick of 2007.

HC

Jessica Biel’s bootie ….. Heath and Michelle say F U August 22, 2006

Posted by holdencaulfield in Entertainment, Jessica Biel, Penelope Cruz.
3 comments

Sorry, it’s been a while since I posted.  I’ve been traveling for work and partying with rockstars, but you don’t care about the details.  All you care about is taking 15 minutes out of your day to read some celebrity nonsense and that’s what I’m here for.  So, away we go….and I’ll try to keep more up to date, but you get what you pay for.

— First up, Jessica Biel and her sweet arse.  At the New York premiere of The Illusionist, Jessica Biel brought a little more than her sweet smile and pearly whites.  Actually she brought a whole lot more.  I don’t know if she has 2 canned hams taped to her backside, but that is one sweet looking ass.  I’ve never seen that TV show she’s in, but if she wears ass-accentuating outfits, I might have to start tuning in.  Actually there is no way I’d watch a show on the WB or Oxygen or whatever station she’s on, but as long as she continues to show up at movie premieres I can get my fix there.  She definitely puts the “donk” in “ba-donk-a-donk”.

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— Here’s a question for you.  What is the most annoying noise you’ve ever heard?  A baby screaming?  Maybe your neighbor’s dog barking at 6AM across the street.  For me though, the most annoying noise I’ve ever heard is the voice of the annoying, mousey actress, Penelope Cruz.  I don’t know why she’s famous.  I don’t even think I could name one movie that she’s ever been in.  I guess she’s mildly attractive, but she doesn’t hold a candle to the aforementioned Jessica Biel.  Anyway, the only reason I bring her up at all is because I guess last weekend she decided to go swimming in a bikini and had a little trouble keeping the twins wrapped up.  Well one twin got out and she had a bit of a nipple slip.  God bless the evil twin.  Like I said before, I don’t know any movies she’s ever been in, so she could get naked in everything she’s in.  Maybe she’s actually a famous porn star named Slutty McSlut and the only thing dirtier than she is, is the New Jersey Shore.  I just don’t know anymore, but the bottom line is that I’m seeing her nips for the first time, and I’m sharing them with you.

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— And lastly I don’t know where celebrities think they get off these days.  Some of them yell at the paparazzi, some of them punch cameramen, and some even get drunk and call police officers horrible things like “sugar tits”.  But this following picture is just a horrible commentary on our society today.  Who do Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams think they are?  Actors we’ve actually heard of?  You’ve got to admire their choreography though.  They look like off-color syncronized swimmers gearing up for a meet.

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HC